Selfish: Tell Me, What Have I Gotta Do?
by Karen and LB
© 2002
Several weeks passed since JC broke off . . . whatever it was they had. Lance still isn't sure. For a while, things were weird--JC would be fine when they were in a group but would have this sad smile plastered to his face, like he was trying to make himself happy. Lance tried his best to keep things normal, but there were times when he sensed that JC needed his space.
Slowly, Lance would find himself watching JC, or directing a joke his way, or asking his opinion on some outfit he'd chosen for a photo shoot. He found himself missing . . . something, but he wasn't sure what it was.
*****
Now, Lance finds his time is mostly occupied with the approaching movie premiere. Nervous, excited, he's constantly flying from coast to coast and spending time with Wendy and the rest of his Happy Place posse. One weekend, he's about to fly out to LA when he decides to ask JC if he could spend the weekend at his house instead of at a hotel. He almost hangs up the phone as it rings, but stays firm as he waits for JC to answer.
JC's heart pounds when he sees Lance's number on the display, and he almost lets it go to voicemail because he doesn't trust his own voice. Finally he hits the button and, in a stronger voice than he thought he had at his disposal, says hello.
"Hey, C. How's it going?" Lance says, keeping his tone cheerful.
"Um, okay. You know. Working."
"Cool. Um, listen, would it be okay if I crashed at your place for a few days? I have to be in LA for Happy Place stuff and I don't feel like staying in a hotel this time. If you're busy or something, that's okay."
JC is surprised by the request, and very confused. "I, um . . . I guess that would be, um . . . Okay."
"You sure? I don't want to put you out. I'll only be a few days."
Why are you asking this? JC wonders. "It's okay."
Lance hangs up, relieved. He's still not sure this is a good idea, but he wants to see JC, just to know he's really okay.
*****
In the ride from the airport to JC's house, Lance contemplates what he will say: Good to see you, dude. You look good. Hey, C, how's it going? Everything sounded lame. I miss you.
Even the car's air conditioning can't keep his hands from sweating, so he concentrates on the road instead. Before the CD in the stereo has finished playing, he's pulling into JC's driveway. But he doesn't get out right away. He stares out the window at the big house, wondering if he should just turn around and head to the city and stay in a hotel. Then he laughs at himself, at how much he's behaving like a school kid. They're friends, right? Professionals, artists. They can handle this. So with an easy gait, he strolls to the front door and rings the bell.
JC is divided between wanting to bound to the door and not wanting to look too eager. As he walks to the door, he also doesn't know whether to be excited or scared, happy or sad. When he opens the door and sees Lance's face, his body and face decide for him and he breaks into a huge grin. "Hey," he says, softly.
"Hey," Lance echoes, hesitates, then pulls his friend into a man-hug. "You look good." The whine from his bag reminds him of JC's other houseguest. "Someone else wanted to see you." He lifts Jackson out of his shoulder bag and holds him out to JC.
JC takes the puppy and squeezes it gently to him, burying his face in the soft fur. "Hey, little one. You hungry? Or thirsty?" He leads the way to the kitchen, where he puts down a bowl of fresh water for Jackson.
Lance follows them in. "He's a little cranky from the flight, but when I told him he was going to see Uncle JC his tail wagged like crazy."
JC laughs. "Uh huh. Right."
"He did! See, he's wagging it right now and he wasn't doing that for me this morning."
"Dude, he's met me like, once before?"
"He has a great memory. One sniff was all it took."
JC looks down at the puppy, who's trying to chew the hem of his jeans. "I think he's hungry."
"Oh, yeah, hey--I brought this until I could get to a store." Lance rummages in the bag until he finds the can of dog food he brought with him.
"Good," JC says as he takes the can and searches a drawer for a can opener. I can do this, he thinks. Just keep talking about the puppy. Keep talking about . . . nothing.
"So, um, you wanna make a run to the store with me?"
"Someone should stay here with the puppy."
"He'll be okay. I brought some of his toys. We'll only be gone for a little while."
"I...yeah, if you're sure."
"We could just leave him in here." Lance crouches down and places some toys around Jackson and pets the puppy one more time. "We'll be right back," he says to the dog. When he stands, he turns to JC. "I'm having a little get-together at the office, if you're free tonight."
By this time JC is completely confused. "I, um . . . " JC glances at the clock on the microwave. "We should go. The store's usually pretty quiet around now."
The avoidance is obvious, so Lance decides to let it go. His smile belies his disappointment as they head to the store, Lance trying to keep things as casual as possible. When they return, he drops off the cans of food he bought for Jackson and leaves the rest in his car. "If you change your mind, come on by. I'm barbecuing," he coaxes.
"Lance, get real. You bought Velveeta."
"You KNOW you like my Ro-tel dip."
"Is that what we're calling it now?"
"You can pretend all you want, but you'll be craving it in a few hours. Just think about it."
JC shudders. "Go. Maybe I'll come by later," he says, knowing he won't.
On the drive to A Happy Place headquarters, Lance isn't feeling so happy. He senses JC is trying to keep his distance and wonders if maybe it was a mistake to stay with him. All day, he holds out hope that JC will show up, but as he's standing over the barbecue, checking the food sizzling away, he knows JC isn't going to show.
"Hey," Em says, leaning over Lance's shoulder to get a better look at the food. "Want me to take over before you burn something?"
"Huh?" Lance looks down to see that indeed the first signs of charring appear on the edges of the burgers. "Oh. Shit."
"You okay?"
"Yeah, fine. Why?"
"You don't seem to be all here."
"Just got a lot on my mind. The movie and stuff."
"Yeah, the movie. It's the stuff that worries me."
"It's nothing, really." He pauses, gathering his thoughts. "You ever make a mistake only you didn't know it was a mistake until after you made it?"
Em smiles. "That's usually the way it happens. But you also usually can fix it." Em wanders back to the group settled around the big round table and on the benches, leaving Lance to ponder her words of wisdom.
JC putters around the house, unable to focus. Occasionally he wonders if he should go to Lance's office thing, but he decides Lance was just being polite. Instead he carries Lance's belongings up to the guest room, plays with Jackson, spends a little time in the studio. He feeds himself and the puppy. Later into the night, he notices a change in Jackson, who wanders around disconsolately and finally leans on one small bag of Lance's that JC had forgotten to bring upstairs and whimpers.
"You miss your daddy, don't you? I know exactly how you feel," JC says, scooping up the small creature. He lies down on a couch and coaxes Jackson to curl up on his chest. And they both sleep.
Lance lets himself in not long after JC dozes off. The house is dark, but even in the shadows he can make out JC's sleeping form on the couch. The small dog rises on JC's chest with each breath, and as Lance approaches, the dog stirs, sensing his owner is near. When Jackson's head pops up, Lance puts a finger to his lips. "Shhhhhh," he commands, but it's too late. Jackson wriggles out from under JC's arm and bounds to the floor excitedly.
JC stirs and his eyes flutter open. He sees Jackson dancing happily around Lance's feet. "Back already?" he mumbles sleepily.
"I'm sorry--I didn't want to wake you." He bends and scoops up the dog, who begins hungrily licking his face. "Thanks for watching him."
"We had fun. He missed you, though." JC pauses. "Your stuff's up in the guest room. Except that," he says, indicating the bag. "Jackson needed something he could sniff."
"Aw, you missed me?" Lance asks the dog, who responds by swiping his nose with his tongue. "Daddy missed you too. But I'm sure Uncle JC took good care of you, didn't he? Hmmm? Em was asking about you," he directs at JC.
"Oh, that was nice of her. I didn't think she'd remember me."
"Of course she remembers you. She really likes you. She was wondering why you didn't come."
"I would have just felt out of place. I'm not movie people."
"You helped with the soundtrack."
"That's just . . . what I do."
"It's part of the movie. You're part of the movie whether you like it or not."
JC smiles and shakes his head. "I didn't say I didn't like it. It's just like . . . a different world."
Lance sits on the arm of the couch. "It's not that different from what we do. Just, like, more focused, I guess. Anyway, Em was pissed I didn't drag you along and said you better get your ass over there next time."
JC's smile turns into a grin. "Such the little lady. Maybe next time."
Lance finds himself hoping so. "I better get to bed. We have publicity tomorrow. What are you up to tomorrow?"
"I've got some studio time booked. And I might try to make it to the beach."
"I've got an idea: We could swing by the beach in the afternoon if you want. Maybe get a game of volleyball going."
"Yeah. That would be good."
As tired as he is, Lance feels a spark of anticipation rise in his chest as he heads upstairs to the guest room. He's missed spending time with JC, more than he cares to admit.
JC watches Lance climb the stairs, puzzled. Lance seems more eager now to spend time with JC than he ever did when they were dating. It's very confusing.
*****
As promised, Lance and crew invade the beach late in the afternoon. Lance comes prepared with volleyball in hand and soon they're dividing into teams, with JC, Em, and Lance on one side, Beth, Wendy, and Rich on the other. At one point, the ball goes sailing over the net right toward JC, and Lance dives for it, colliding with the slightly taller boy and sending them both to the sand.
"Uh, sorry," Lance says, laughing, but not moving too quickly off JC.
JC pushes Lance off, angry at Lance for teasing him, angry at himself for being excited by a simple touch. He smiles, however, and teases Lance about his volleyball prowess.
Even after the game ends, Lance remembers the touch, remembers how quickly JC wanted to be away from him. And the fact that JC looks SO good in the sunshine, his tanned body glistening with sweat in his shorts and tank top, doesn't help one bit.
They manage to convince JC to join them at a local fish place on the beach, and Lance sits quietly, watching JC. When did he go from wanting to be out of the relationship as fast as possible to wanting to be with JC?
JC keeps feeling Lance's eyes on him and he spends a lot of time looking at the table when he's not talking to Em. A month ago, or two, he would have been thrilled, but now? He's just starting to get over Lance. He should never have let Lance stay with him.
The group breaks up later, and in the parking lot, Lance decides to take a chance. "You wanna catch a movie?"
"What's with you, Lance?"
"What do you mean? I just asked if you want to see a movie."
"It's just a little . . . weird, you know? I mean, you suddenly wanting to spend time with me."
"We're friends, right? Can't we do stuff?"
"Yeah. You just surprised me is all."
"Why? Look, I'm, um, really sorry about what happened. But I'd like us to be friends again."
"That would be good. Real good."
During the movie, in the dark, Lance keeps sneaking glances at the man sitting next to him. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just admit that I like JC?
JC is very conscious of Lance--his nearness, the warmth of his arm. He's doing what he promised himself he wouldn't, of course. He's falling for Lance all over again. And he's sure he's going to get hurt.
By the time the credits roll and the lights come back on, Lance is sure of one thing: He wants JC back.