That's the Way Love Goes
by Karen and LB
© 2002
"JC Chasez is a fraud."
The face in the mirror did not respond to the accusation. JC glared at his own reflection. The perfectly tousled hair, features subtly enhanced by makeup, the covered-but-not-hidden, well-trained body. Everything about the guy in the mirror oozed sex. "Fraud." JC muttered again as he walked out of the dressing room to join the others for the shoot.
"So then she says . . . hey, Justin, what did she say?" Lance is trying to remember the conversation they had with a girl at that club two nights ago.
"She says, 'Oh, I thought you guys were with O-Town'. O-TOWN, man!"
"Yeah, so Justin tells her we tried out but didn't make it." He breaks up laughing on the couch.
"C, you should have seen it, it was so funny," Justin adds as JC enters.
"Yeah, or maybe you just had to be there." JC drops into one of the chairs. "So are we gonna start shooting this anytime soon?"
"Yeah, man, what's with you?"
Lance watches, his laughter dying away. JC had seemed so . . . edgy these past few days. He's usually so up and now there's definitely something bothering him. Lance sits up. "He's right, we should get this moving."
JC shoots Lance a grateful look. "Are they ready for us?"
"WHAT is your hurry, bro?" Justin likes the down time at video shoots almost as much as the performing.
Lance is grateful when the director comes to talk to them and set up the first shot. As the day progresses, Lance keeps an eye on JC. He's not sure why, but he knows something's bugging him. But you'd never know it from the way he sang. When Lance watches the playback on the monitors all he sees is an expression of passion on JC's face. "That was good!" Lance remarks, hitting the seat cushion as the last words of the song are spoken.
"Nah, I messed up. Sorry," Justin adds, laughing.
"So are we done?" JC swipes discontentedly at his wild hair.
"Yeah, man, we're done," Justin says, concerned. "Let's get something to eat."
"Now you're speaking my language," Joey chimes in, leaping to his feet.
"I'm in," Lance agrees. "C?"
"Uh, no. Thanks. I'm just gonna get back to the hotel. Maybe order room service."
Lance goes over to where JC is collecting his things and throws his arm around his shoulders. "C'mon, I'll buy you a beer."
"Really. I'm okay. Go have fun."
"You sure? Hey, dude, you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just--I don't know--do you ever get tired of the whole thing?"
"No, not really. Okay, maybe sometimes I could use a break. You're just overworked. We've been going nonstop." He gives JC's shoulder a squeeze. "Where's Bobbie?"
"I sent her home. She was getting on my nerves."
"Bobbie? What happened? Did you guys have a fight?"
"Hey," Joey calls out, "you guys coming or what?"
"Go on, I'll catch up with you later," Lance answers. "You wanna go somewhere and talk?"
"I--no. I don't want to rui--" JC pauses. "You know what? I'm gonna go back to the hotel. See if I can clear my head. Come by later if you feel like it. Maybe I'll be more social then." JC pauses again, needing to say something more. "Thanks, Lance. I mean it."
Lance is torn between running after his friend and giving him some space. They've been together as a group long enough to know when to back off, but for the first time he's not sure what to do. "You know what? I don't really feel like going out either. Why don't we hang out at the hotel and order something up and you can tell me what's going on."
JC hesitates. He knows he should talk to someone. HE NEEDS to talk to someone. Of course, Lance is probably the last person he should be talking to about this. Still, it's so hard keeping it all inside. "I...okay, Lance. Just give me some time to get all this . . ., " he gestures disdainfully at his hair and makeup, "...off."
Laughing, Lance touches his own face. "Yeah, it gets kinda cakey after a while. Five minutes, okay?"
"Fifteen."
"Okay." Puzzled, Lance starts to collect his things and change back into his own clothes. He still cannot figure out why JC is so on edge, but he aims to find out. His mind drifts back to this past November, when he and JC attended that charity event and got into a fight over something stupid. But Lance is not going to let that happen again. Whatever is bothering his friend, Lance will try his best to help him.
JC is silent on the way back to the hotel. He's gotten most of the makeup off, but he can't wait to get into the shower and to finally feel clean again. He and Lance part in the hallway. "Fifteen minutes," JC repeats, before disappearing into his own room. JC strips off his clothes and steps into the shower, filled with trepidation over the conversation to come. He knows he can trust Lance, as far as not telling anyone. What he's really afraid of is that if he tells it all, Lance will run away from him like the freak he is. JC contemplates calling Lance and telling him not to come over, that he's changed his mind. But he knows Lance wouldn't let him get away with it. And it wouldn't be fair to him, either, after he'd given up his chance to go out with the other guys. Sighing, JC steps out of the shower and dries himself off. He quickly dresses in the sweats and t-shirt he'd brought into the bathroom with him, then combs his hair back from his face. It leaves his face looking naked, vulnerable. "Fraud," he mutters again, then, hearing a knock, he goes to let Lance in.
"Hey, I ran out to McDonald's--figured it would be better than room service." Lance looks for any sign that his weak attempt at humor has any effect, then walks past JC and drops the bags on the small table by the window. He tosses his jacket on the bed and starts pulling out wrapped burgers and cups of fries. "So, wanna tell me what's going on?"
"You just wanted apple pie." JC is well aware he's avoiding talking about what's bugging him.
"You know me too well. Hey, they were two for a dollar, so I'll even let you have one."
"You must think I'm a cheap date." JC stops and tries to hide his blush behind his Big Mac.
"You're way low maintenance, dude. If I was dating you, I'd spring for a lot better than Big Macs." Lance decides to play along, figuring JC will talk when he's ready. He's usually the most sensitive one of the group, and when he wants to talk he does.
JC blushes again and tries to cover by taking a sip of his milkshake. Lance can't have any idea what he's saying, can he? What his words are doing to JC? Somehow, in spite of that, JC feels comfortable, and they eat in companionable silence.
Lance studies his friend while he eats. He notices that JC is a little more jumpy than he usually is when they're not performing, but Lance doesn't want to push him. As usual, Lance is still working on his burger when JC finishes the last of his fries. "You want some of mine?" Lance offers, breaking the silence.
JC grins. "Me and my appetite, huh?"
"Yeah," Lance replies. "Want to talk about it?"
"My appetite? Yeah. I like burgers." Before Lance can protest, JC goes on. "Okay, I know you didn't come over here to talk about my fondness for special sauce. It's just, do you ever feel completely fake, Lance?"
"Wow, that's a loaded question. Do you think I'm fake?"
"NO! I meant ME. I feel that way. All the time. I guess maybe I was hoping it was one of those things that everyone feels but no one talks about."
Now they're getting somewhere. Lance knew that if he just gave it time it would come out. "You feel like a fake? You think the gift you have is fake? 'Cause I don't. I think we're all very, very real."
"Does it ever bother you that we're as much about sex as about the music? Like today, when they kept telling us to be sexier, to be hotter. I don't know if I can keep pretending to BE those things."
Lance puts down the remainder of his food. "Uh, JC, you ARE those things. I don't think you realize this, but you OOZE sex. Why do you think the girls scream so much whenever you're onstage?"
"But it's all fake, Lance. All of it."
"No one can fake that, JC. Face it, you're a sexy guy. It's something you'll just have to live with. Is that really what's bothering you? I mean, I know sometimes it's weird--having our pictures taken, saying the right things when sometimes all you want to do is tell everyone to leave you alone. But we signed on for this, remember?"
"I just never knew I'd feel so . . . lost. Like there's no me here anymore, just a product named JC."
"Hey, where's this coming from? You're not a product. When you go out there and sing your heart out, you're telling me that's not you? No one can sing like that and NOT be real. And we've had more say in what we do in the past year than we ever had. I've seen you pick out your clothes, and grow a beard or shave it off. YOU make the decisions about who you are, JC. So if you're not feeling real, then maybe there's something else going on."
"I don't want you to hate me. I don't want you to think I'm a freak."
"Why would you ever think I'd think you were a freak? What the heck is going on, JC?"
"Because I'm not like everyone else. And I don't even know where to start." JC takes a deep breath and blurts, "I'm gay, Lance."
Lance almost laughs. Almost. Because what JC is saying seems so absurd he almost thinks Chris put him up to it. But JC's face is devoid of any humor and he knows that JC would never joke about something like that, especially under the circumstances. But it still doesn't stop Lance from being taken by surprise. "What? You're not . . . I mean . . . you never . . . wow. Wow." He doesn't even bother asking the standard question, "Are you sure?" because Lance knows from experience it's something you either know or don't. "When did you start thinking about this? What about Bobbie? I don't understand."
"I've always known it. Always. Bobbie, well, Bobbie is someone who wants to meet the right people. Make connections. I don't think she's ever even questioned why I don't sleep with her. As long as she gets to keep going to nice places."
"She never seemed like the type. I mean, you guys always seemed to get along so great. I just assumed you were sleeping together. We never really talked about that, did we? Man. Gay? You?" But without even being aware, somehow Lance knew.
"Yeah. Me. And I've never told anyone."
Lance pushes his chair away from the table. "I don't know what to say. I know how hard that must have been, to say it. I know it was for me. But you guys were so cool about it. You never made me feel like a freak. Why would you think I'd think you were a freak?"
"I haven't told you all of it."
"There's more? JC, being gay is a big thing."
"There's more. There's . . . " JC closes his eyes, wondering how he got into this situation. If only he'd managed to smile and convince Lance he was fine, like he'd done with him and with all the other guys a thousand times before.
"What, C? C'mon, you can tell me anything. We've always told each other everything. All of us."
"Not this. Never this."
"What could be so bad that you can't tell ME." Lance stands up and moves to the bed, where he flops down on his stomach. "You remember when I came out to you and the guys? I was terrified. We were together, what, a year? I thought you'd all hate me and the group would break up and it would be all my fault. But none of that happened. It was like it was no big deal to you. And it doesn't have to be a big deal. We like guys. No biggie. Lots of people in the music industry are gay. We've always been really discreet about it. And we can be that way with you too. No one's gonna think you're a freak. And C, just so you know, you can talk to me about anything. Anything." Then it hits him; there has to be a reason JC is coming out now. "You like someone, don't you? And you're not sure he's gay?"
JC shakes his head, almost smiling. This would actually be funny if it weren't so painful. "No, that's not it."
Lance's eyes narrow. "JC, you're not . . . sick, are you?"
"No! Lance!" JC drops his head into his hands and finally mumbles something inaudible.
Lifting his head, Lance asks, "Huh? What did you say?" He leaps off the bed and crouches beside his friend, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "What?"
JC buries his face deeper in his hands, and repeats, miserably but audibly, "I'm a virgin, all right?"
Strangely, Lance is relieved. So relieved he starts to laugh, then realizes that might not be the best thing under the circumstance. "Man, I thought you were sick. That's all? That's what's been bothering you? C, lots of guys our age are still virgins. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not easy meeting the right person, especially when you're gay. Wow, you think you know someone--all this time I thought you and Bobbie were . . . you know."
"ALL? No one is still a virgin at 24, Lance. Nuns, maybe."
"Not just nuns, JC. Not everyone is going around having sex all the time. It's not exactly the safest thing. I mean, I don't sleep around. And it should be something that you do with someone you care about."
"Don't you see? I'm selling sex every day. And I don't have a clue."
"You don't have to have sex to be sexy. Sexy isn't something you get from doing it. It's something you are. And you, JC Chasez are sexy whether you know it or not."
"You just don't understand."
"Maybe not. Maybe you can help me understand. But look--I'm not a virgin and look how I come across. Everyone calls me 'the shy one.' They look at you and see 'the sexy one.' It comes from inside you, bro. You might think you're a fake, but you're not. And whoever is lucky enough to be the one for you, man, he'd better deserve you."
JC stares at Lance for a moment, then drops his head back into his hands. Dumbfounded, Lance sits back on his heels. He has no idea what to do. Should he hug JC? Would that scare him? Should he push him some more? Should he give him space? All of these questions and no answers, so Lance acts on instinct. He moves closer, sliding his hand around JC's back and rubbing gently. "Hey, it's me. You've already told me the worst and I'm not running. You're not a freak, you're not a fraud. And the fact that you're a virgin doesn't make you a criminal." He smiles, then. "In fact, if anything, it makes you that much more attractive." Suddenly, he takes his hand away. "Oh gosh, I sound like I'm hitting on you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot."
JC groans. Well, he's come this far, so he might as well get the rest of it out and watch as Lance DOES run away. "I-I always, um, wished you would. Um, hit on me."
Again, Lance thinks this is part of the joke, and again, he's ready for a snappy comeback. But something stops him. Maybe it's the look of pure terror on JC's face, a look Lance has never seen before. He's always thought JC was attractive--from the day they met Lance had a crush on JC. But he'd always pushed it down, way down, because he never thought JC was even remotely interested in boys. Now, if what JC is saying is true . . . "You did? Man, you wanna know something? I've always had a crush on you, JC."
"You? No . . . really? God, I sound 13."
Playing along, Lance squeals, "Oh my gosh, Joey told me that Justin said that you like me!" He laughs, then slides his hand down JC's arm to his hand. He studies the long, slender fingers as he says, "Really. From the day I met you. I thought you were gorgeous. Still do. Now who's freaking out who?"
JC finally looks up. "I don't . . . I don't even know what to say. I said I sounded 13. Well, a lot of times I feel like it. Like I stopped growing, emotionally, then."
"Why? Because you figured out that you were 'different'? Well, you're not. You just happen to like boys. Nothing wrong with that. You know, it took ME a while to realize that there's nothing wrong with being gay. You know how much my religion means to me; it took a while to get over this guilt. Until I realized there's nothing to feel guilty about. Love is love, dude; it comes in all shapes and sizes. And the fact that you waited all this time, that's what makes you special."
"I told myself then that I'd never do anything about it. So I thought I was going to live my whole life without ever loving anyone."
"JC, NO ONE can live like that. You can't deny yourself stuff that you're entitled to, like love. Everyone deserves to love someone. How can you even think you'd have to hide something like that. Did you . . . I mean back then . . . did you ever like anyone?"
"I wouldn't let myself. Not ever."
"I'm really sorry you had to go through that alone. I wish I knew you back then. But you don't have to hide it anymore. I came out, and look at me. And it hasn't hurt the group any, has it?"
"Nope. I guess you're just braver than me. I can't believe I even told you. After all this time. It's scary. But it feels good, too. To finally tell someone after all this time."
"I'm glad you told me. And it does get easier, believe me. And I WILL help you. In whatever way I can."
"Thanks. It, um, means so much to me that you listened and you didn't freak and that you KNEW there was something bothering me and you made me talk."
"I could just tell. I've been there. I know what it's like to keep something like that inside. Maybe not as long as you have, but it's still a big secret. And I also know what a relief it was to finally share it with someone. You know you can trust me, right?"
"I wouldn't have told you if I didn't. No matter how much you plied me with french fries."
"They work on Joey."
"I'm not Joey. So where's my apple pie?" Without taking his eyes off JC, Lance reaches up and feels around for the bag, then extracts the still warm box and holds it out to JC. "But you gotta do something first."
"What?"
"It's nothing bad. I would just like to kiss you."
JC's eyes are wide. "Oh, I, um. Um, okay?"
"Only if you want me to. I don't want to pressure you."
"I want you to. It almost scares me how much I want you to."
Lance rises and touches JC's cheek tenderly. "There's nothing to be afraid of." He bends slightly, brings his face so there's only a fraction of space separating them, and just grazes JC's lips with his own. It's a feather-light kiss, but a kiss nonetheless. He pulls back to gauge JC's reaction.
JC sits with his eyes closed for a moment. When he opens them again, the pupils are huge and dark, dilated both from darkness and desire. He moistens his lips to speak. "Again."
"You sure you don't want your apple pie?" But Lance complies, and with one hand cradling the back of JC's head this time he closes his mouth over JC's once, then again and again. It's like he's experiencing his first kiss all over again, and if he didn't know better he could have sworn he actually saw a spark.
JC wonders how he lived without this for so long--how he ever thought he could go through life without feeling like this. Tentatively, he reaches out, then hesitates, finally settling his hands at Lance's waist.
Lance senses JC's trepidation, but knows this conflict well. He knows it will be up to him to make his older friend more at ease, and he also knows he's going to enjoy every minute of it. "Come here," Lance says, taking JC by the hand and leading him over to the bed.
JC follows, willingly, but still nervously. What if he does something wrong, something stupid?
Lance turns to JC. "Don't worry. I just want us to get more comfortable. We don't have to do anything you don't want to. We can just talk, okay?"
"Okay. I, um, I liked what we were doing, though."
"Good. Because I did too and I was hoping you'd say that." Lance sits on the bed, pulling JC down next to him. Leaning on one hand on the bed, he brings the other to JC's lips and replaces it with his mouth. Again, he presses his lips against JC's gently, first kissing the top lip, then the bottom, then both at once. He can taste the fear, the curiosity at the newness of this experience, and it excites Lance tremendously.
Lance kissing him feels amazing, but when JC starts to kiss back, he realizes just how much better a kiss can be. This time he's not so tentative as he slips his arms around Lance. Lance's eyes widen in surprise as he feels JC's eagerness. He leans into the kiss and parts his lips, flicking his tongue out to brush the surface of JC's lips.
JC feels a tremor run right through him. He pulls back. "I don't think I'm ready for th-" He grabs Lances shoulders and kisses him again.
Gently, Lance pulls away. He can feel the near desperation in JC's kiss, and he doesn't want to move too fast and possibly scare him off. "Wait, JC, wait. We don't have to do this. We can take this real slow." He takes JC's hand in both of his. "I really like you. I've always liked you. But this is all new to you. I don't want you think you HAVE to do anything."
Lance's concern warms JC even more than his kisses had. "Is it normal to both want this and be scared of it?"
"Yeah, it's perfectly normal. Heck, I'm scared and I've done this before."
"You are?"
"Of course I'm scared. I don't want to freak you out or anything. I don't want to move too fast. But JC, kissing you is like, like whoa."
"You got that right. I've never felt anything like it."
"See, that's why I'm scared. Because I never have either."
"Lance, can I ask you something?"
"You can ask me anything."
"Um, well, I . . . I know you have more experience than me--like who doesn't? But, um, how many? I mean how much? I mean, you know."
Lance is stunned. It's the last question he expected, but one that would have to be answered eventually. "Wow, um, you know I don't . . . I mean, there's been opportunity but . . . " He takes a deep breath. "There've been a few. I had this boyfriend in high school. Right before I met you. And there were a couple of discreet . . . dates over the past few years. But I don't sleep around and you know I'm not seeing anyone now."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to . . . I had no right to . . . "
"No, it's okay. You have every right to ask. Because . . . I'd really like to maybe see what this is between us. And if that's going to happen then we both have to be completely honest with each other."
"I'd like that, Lance. I'd like that a lot."
"I don't want to date just anyone. It's so easy for us, in this business. I don't want to be like that. When I'm with someone, I want to be with that person. You get what I'm saying?"
"Yeah, I think I do."
"So I guess what I'm saying is that I'd like to take this slow--I mean, if there is anything between us I'd like to find that out and make sure it's not just something that happened because you came out."
"Yeah, that makes sense. I already know I love you as a friend. We don't want to mess that up."
"No. It's complicated enough as it is. The last thing I want to do is lose your friendship. But I WOULD like to see where this goes. I think we're both mature enough to handle that."
"So, what do we do?"
"What do you want to do?"
"I want to kiss you some more."
"We can do that." And that's exactly what Lance does. He kisses JC again, and this time when his lips part he slips his tongue into JC's warm, moist mouth.
This time JC doesn't startle when he feels Lance's tongue. Instead he relaxes into the kiss, letting Lance explore his mouth and tentatively reaching out with his own tongue.
Lance smiles inside at JC's acceptance. He wants to make JC as comfortable as possible, but at the same time he can't help his own increasing arousal.
JC reaches up with both hands to cup Lance's face, then lets one hand slide into his hair. It's almost too much for him, the sensations of Lance's warm tongue in his mouth, the smooth skin, and the soft hair against his hand. Almost involuntarily, he moves closer, instinctively feeling safe in Lance's arms.
Even with all the boyfriends and "dates" he's had before, Lance has never felt such intense emotion so quickly. But then he remembers that he's always liked JC and this is just the culmination of that attraction. Finally. He can barely believe it's happening, and he's terrified that any minute he'll wake up in his bed and find out it was all a dream. But the fingers in his hair feel real, and the hot tongue against his feels real. Slowly, Lance lowers JC to the bed.
JC holds onto Lance tightly, trustingly. Besides everything else he's feeling, he finally no longer feels like a freak. An unlovable freak. He knows whatever else happens, he'll always be grateful to Lance for giving him this new sense of himself.
Lance carefully rolls on top of JC. He knows he said he wants to take this slow, for JC's sake, but he can't seem to control the physical sensations he's experiencing. JC is just so damned sexy. Lance can't get enough of those full, sensual lips and the strong, chiseled cheeks. His hand caresses one of those cheeks now, as his tongue continues to explore JC's mouth. But before long, his mouth is traveling over JC's face, placing soft, wet kisses on JC's cheek, his eyelids, his forehead, his temples, and back down to his mouth.
JC knows Lance must be able to feel his arousal, and he doesn't care. He only cares about how Lance is making him feel. Aroused, yes, of course, but also cherished, surrounded by a tenderness he's never felt with another person.
Panting, Lance brings his mouth, to JC's ear. "JC--Josh, I know I said we should take this slow, but . . . man, you're just so . . . I want you."
"I, um, I . . . I want you too. I'm just afraid you'll be, um, disappointed in me."
"Are you kidding? I've wanted you for so long there's no way I could be disappointed. When you feel this way about someone, the sex is just . . . amazing."
"Even when the other person doesn't know what he's doing?"
"Sometimes even more. And believe me, your instincts take over pretty fast. But don't worry; I'll go slow, and if there's anything about it that bothers you we'll stop. I want your first time to be great. And Josh? If you do decide to go through with it, I want you to know that it means so much to me that I'm your first."
"There's no one I'd rather have my first time be with. I trust you, Lance."
"See, I have more to worry about than you do. What if I suck?"
JC smiles up at Lance. "You couldn't. Besides, how would I know?"
"You'd know. Believe me, you'd know. But that's not gonna happen because you're so sexy that there's no way it's gonna be bad." He kisses JC's cheek and gazes into his friend's blue eyes, eyes filled with curiosity and fear and desire. "There's one thing I gotta do first. You stay right here, and don't move, okay?"
JC nods mutely, trying to look as if he's not a little uncomfortable, a little intimidated.
"Don't move," Lance repeats, hoping that by the time he returns JC won't have lost his nerve. This is crazy, he tells himself on the way to his room. What if he's not really sure? What if he's not ready? Am I pushing him too fast? I can't believe he likes me! He quickly retrieves what he needs and practically flies back to JC's room. Trying not to sound too anxious, Lance knocks softly. "Room service." JC walks over to the door.
"I didn't order room service."
"I think you'll like tonight's selection. Would you like to hear the specials?"
"Very much."
"Well, I'd rather tell you in person instead of through this door. Otherwise, everyone will want them."
JC opens the door and steps back to let Lance in. "Room service is so PUSHY here."
With one hand behind his back, Lance enters saying, "It wouldn't be a four- star hotel without the snooty room service. Here." He holds out one of the flowers he'd snatched from the vase in his room and heads to the bathroom.
JC follows, a bit confused, a bit curious.
Lance grabs the candle from the sink; one thing he's always liked about these posh hotels are the little extras. He holds it up. "Atmosphere." Then he takes two glasses and returns to the bed, placing the glasses and the bottle of wine he'd brought with him on the nightstand. Someone had given him the wine earlier that day, and he'd almost forgotten about it until he went back to his room to get the other things he needed. He finds a corkscrew and begins to open the wine. "Sit."
JC obeys, watching as Lance opens the wine. "It's, um, really nice of you to make all this fuss."
"Look, we didn't plan this and normally I would have wanted to take you out on a real date before . . . This is the very least I can do. I don't want it to seem like some meaningless one-night stand." He fills each glass, then hands one to JC, holding up his own. "To . . . special friends."
"Yeah. And maybe more?" JC lifts his glass to Lance's, then drinks.
"Definitely more." Lance leans over and kisses JC quickly, wanting to taste the wine on his lips.
The heady wine and the kiss together are enough to make JC feel almost lightheaded. He takes another sip, watching Lance, and this time he's the one who leans in for a kiss.
Caught off guard, Lance almost spills his wine. He's immediately aroused by JC's aggressiveness, and he gives in immediately to JC's advances. He licks the wine from JC's lips and plunges his tongue inside JC's mouth; the kiss mixed with the sweet wine is incredibly intoxicating, and Lance feels that familiar twitching in his groin.
JC, still feeling a little awkward and very inexperienced, lets Lance set the pace, leaning into the kiss and reaching out with his own tongue to meet Lance's.
When Lance finally pulls back, he sighs. "Mmmmmmm, delicious." Rising, he pulls out a pack of matches from his pocket and lights the scented candle, then turns off all but one lamp, kicks off his shoes, and returns to the bed. "Much better," he says softly, taking JC's hand. "Remember, anytime you want to stop, just say so."
"I trust you." JC squeezes the hand holding his. "I want to be with you."
Lance brings the hand to his lips. He takes the glass from JC's other hand and places it on the nightstand. Then he just sits and looks at his friend, at the face framed by candlelight, the sparkling eyes, the slightly tense body. He's aware of the irony of the situation, the older, more experienced performer and the younger, more experienced lover. He laughs then. "I guess I'm a little nervous."
"You're not supposed to be nervous. We can't both be nervous."
Lance takes another sip of his wine, then places his glass next to JC's. "It's been a while. At least since I've been with someone I care about. I just want this to be special for you."
"It already is." JC squeezes Lance's hand again. "Considering this wasn't planned and all, you thought of everything. The wine, the flower, the candle. It's perfect."
"You're perfect." Lance brings a hand to JC's cheek and caresses it. Soon, the hand travels down, to the neckline of JC's shirt, and lower still until it reaches the hem. As he kisses JC once again, he reaches underneath the shirt with both hands, to the warm, smooth skin. "Okay?" he murmurs against JC's neck.
JC nods, not trusting his voice. Lance's hands against his skin are making him feel things he's never felt before, and he wants to feel more.
Lance kisses, no, devours JC's neck. He can feel the older man's quickening pulse against his lips, and his own excitement increases by the second. He pauses only to lift the sweatshirt up and over JC's head, and when it lands silently on the floor Lance licks his lips in anticipation. "You are SO sexy, JC."
JC blushes. "Only because of you."
"I'm not the one who works out this body. Man, look at that stomach." But instead of just looking, Lance dips down to kiss it.
It's like fire, that kiss. It was the last thing JC expected, and it sends a tremor straight through him.
Lance eases JC down on the mattress, lifting his legs from the floor so that he's stretched out. He begins to kiss his way up JC's chest, pausing at JC's navel and then licking his way over the ripples of his well-toned abs. When he reaches JC's chest, he raises his eyes as he takes one small, erect nipple into his mouth and flicks his tongue over it.
JC moans, his hand involuntarily reaching for Lance's head, burying itself in his hair.
Working his way over to the other side of JC's chest, Lance circles the neglected nipple and takes it between his teeth, rolling it carefully before capturing it in his mouth. While JC is thus occupied, Lance uses the opportunity to reach between his friend's legs and gently cup the swell of his erection through his pants.
JC's hand tightens in Lance's hair and the other wraps around Lance as he moans again, his pulse quickening till he's sure he can hear his own heart beat.
JC's reactions excite Lance even more, and as he brings his lips to JC's throat--the throat that produces such magical sounds--he reaches inside the sweat pants to grasp the twitching member. JC freezes, amazed at how different it feels to be touched by someone, by Lance than it felt all those times he's touched himself in his loneliness and solitude. His head falls back, his neck stretched, and he groans out Lance's name.
Slowly, Lance strokes JC's heat, lifting his head to watch JC's face. "Okay, Josh?" he asks concerned.
"Oh, yeah, Lance. This is . . . this is . . . wow."
"Yeah? Well, how's this?" He nibbles JC's ear as he strokes, harder, more confidently.
"Ohhhhhh," JC groans. "But Lance, I wanna . . . Can I touch you too?"
Lance smiles against JC's ear. "You can do anything you want."
JC hesitates, not knowing what to do next. He reaches out with a tentative hand and runs it over Lance's chest, feeling the muscles even through the fabric of his shirt.
How could such a light touch feel so good? Lance silently says a prayer of thanks that the events of the day happened as they did to lead him to this moment. He sits up, never taking his hand away from JC's erection, and brings JC's hand underneath his shirt.
JC gazes up at Lance as his hand begins to move, seemingly of it's own volition, over Lance's warm, soft skin.
Closing his eyes, Lance mouth falls open and he shudders with pleasure. He gives JC's stiffened member a playful squeeze, then removes his hand only long enough to peel off his shirt. "Mmmm, that feels so good." He lays back down and returns his hand to the warmth inside JC's pants.
JC finds a nipple and rubs his fingers over it, enjoying the sensation of it tightening into a hard little peak in his hand. Remembering what it felt like when Lance did it to him, JC dips his head to lick and kiss the sweet, hard flesh.
From insecure novice to passionate lover in mere minutes--Lance is astounded. His breath becomes ragged and he moans, "Oh, baby . . . "
JC feels absurdly proud of having evoked this reaction and he smiles against Lance's chest. Emboldened, he lets his hand move over Lance's stomach and, a little awkwardly, brushes over Lance's erection. Lance instinctively moves against the hand, eager for more contact. "Are you sure you haven't done this before?"
JC moves back from Lance's chest to look up at him. "Really sure. I don't even know if I'm, um, doing it right."
Lance chuckles and brings a hand to JC's cheek. "There's no right or wrong when you're with someone you care about. It only matters what feels good, and let me tell you, this feels great."
"I'm glad I waited for someone special."
"I'm glad you did too. Boy, am I glad." Lance rolls over on top of JC. "But right now, I'd be gladder if you weren't wearing any clothes. So I'm gonna take these off, okay?" he asks, tugging at JC's sweatpants.
"I, uh, I, yeah, okay." JC knows he must be red, and he's grateful for the dimness.
"It's okay. I've seen you naked before, and I really like what I've seen." He kisses JC's stomach as he slowly removes JC's pants and underwear, and as the now freed erection springs up, Lance smiles in wonderment at the beautiful body stretched before him. As the pants join JC's shirt on the floor, Lance takes a deep breath. "How did I get so lucky?"
JC resists the urge to cover himself before Lance's gaze, Lance's words. He reaches for Lance, pulling him back to himself, hugging him, crushing him against his chest.
Every move makes Lance more aroused. He can feel his own erection straining inside his pants, and he knows he won't be able to contain himself much longer. JC's inexperience is a bigger turn-on than he ever expected. Lance loves being able to help people, being able to exert his own skills, and this is no exception. "Oh baby, I'm gonna make this so good for you," he whispers into JC's ear. He kisses JC's neck, then pulls away and stands, stripping off the remainder of his clothes. Reaching for his pants, he extracts the tube of lubricant he brought back from his room from the back pocket. He pours a generous amount into his hand and rubs his palms together, spreading the gel over his fingers. He puts the tube on the nightstand where it will be within easy reach and stretches out beside JC. "Remember, if there's anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, you just say the word and I stop. Okay?"
JC's eyes widen when Lance strips. Lance's body has matured in the past year and it's beautifully muscled now, beautifully proportioned. He watches Lance's preparations silently and, not trusting his voice, nods in response to Lance's question.
"Just relax, and let me take care of everything." Lance kisses JC as he climbs on top and kneels between JC's legs, nudging them apart. He wraps one hand around the throbbing erection and uses the other to gently massage JC's balls. When he senses JC relaxing to the touch, he brings the hand lower, seeking and finding the small puckered opening. Very lightly, he touches it with one finger, then slowly eases the finger inside, watching for any sign of discomfort from his friend.
JC feels his whole body tense as he is penetrated, and he wills himself to relax. Lance's hand on his erection is at once soothing and arousing, and as JC becomes accustomed to the new sensation of Lance's finger moving in him, he realizes that this, too, is pleasure.
Lance's brow creases with concern, but when there is no cry of "Stop!" he pushes in deeper, then adds a second finger. He can feel how tense JC is, and he tries his best to be as gentle as possible in his preparation for the more intense act to follow. "You're so beautiful, so beautiful," he says softly, sincerely.
JC feels himself relaxing as Lance's careful pressure ceases to be about intrusion or discomfort and becomes completely about pleasure and melting warmth. "You are too," he whispers. "Inside and out."
When Lance senses that JC is getting used to the sensation of being penetrated, he carefully removes his fingers and stretches out on top of him. His mouth closes over his new lover's, and he tries his best to convey all that he's feeling in that kiss. Then he rolls onto his side and coaxes JC to do the same, so that his back is now to Lance. Lance kisses the back of JC's neck and his hair, breathing in the sweet, delicious scent. He sits up and fumbles briefly for his pants again, then removes a package of condoms from the front pocket. He tears open one with his teeth and rolls it down the length of his own hardness, then coats it with the lubricant before laying down again and wrapping his arms around the scared, aroused young man next to him.
JC squeezes his eyes shut, and gathers a fistful of the bedclothes. He's lived his life up to this point convinced that this would never happen, and now, as much as he wants it--and he does--he can't help being scared. But he trusts Lance, so he gives himself over entirely to that trust, to Lance.
Bringing his lips to JC's ear, Lance whispers, "Don't be afraid. I'm not gonna hurt you. In fact, I think I'm falling in love with you." He places soft, loving kisses all along the side of JC's neck, and resting his head on JC's shoulder, wraps one hand around JC's stiffened member and slowly pushes inside, just a little. He can feel JC tense at the intrusion and holds him closer, reassuringly.
JC gasps at the penetration, and his first instinct is to pull away, but Lance's words, his firm hold on him, the hand on his own erection serve to soothe even as they arouse. "Lance," he whispers. "More. Make love to me, Lance."
At those words, Lance feels like he will explode right then and there. But he doesn't--this isn't about his pleasure. This about showing JC that he is . . . loved. Yes--loved. At this realization, Lance pushes further into JC, and as the tight, virgin flesh surrounds his hardness, he moans. "Oh my gosh, JC, you feel so good." He tightens his grip around JC's erection and begins to stroke slowly, sensually.
It doesn't feel like an intrusion, JC realizes. It feels like a completion. Of COURSE he waited. He was waiting for this.
Lance begins to rock slowly inside JC, easing his way further, gently. He shivers with delight at how amazing JC's tightness feels against the swell of his erection. It's never been this good, not with anyone. His breath becomes ragged against JC's shoulder, and he moans quietly into his lover's ear.
JC's hips begin moving involuntarily in time with Lance's thrusts, as he becomes accustomed to the twin sensations of Lance inside him and Lance's hand stoking his own heat. He feels surrounded by love, and he's always feared that sex would make him feel bad, wrong, cheap. But nothing could feel more right than this.
JC's responsiveness almost brings Lance over the edge. He thrusts harder, faster, consumed by passion and the need for JC to know how he feels about him. His mouth covers JC's shoulder with kisses as he feels himself nearing climax.
JC cries out with each thrust, but the sound holds no fear, no pain. Lance's hand is insistent on JC hardness, drawing him ever nearer to his inevitable completion. JC reaches up and back with one hand to touch Lance's soft hair, to touch the soft skin of his cheek.
"Ohhhhh, Josh," Lance moans, turning his head so he can kiss those fingers. He moves quicker against JC, and as their rhythm becomes one, Lance cries out, holding JC so tightly against him that it's almost as though they were one person. He explodes inside his lover, such an exquisite sensation that he knows he will remember it for the rest of his life.
JC is amazed and gratified that he could make Lance cry out likes that, that he could be the instrument of that passionate completion. And that's enough to bring him to his own climax, and he whispers Lance's name again and again as he comes.
"Oh baby, yeah, c'mon," Lance encourages as JC bucks against him. When JC stops convulsing, Lance wraps both arms around him and holds him close. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"
"No," JC breathes. "That was . . . Wow. Wow."
"You're amazing. You know that? You are just . . . AMAZING." Lance wishes he could stay here forever, in this bed with JC.
"Me? You just...just changed my life."
Lance rests his head on JC's shoulder, more content than he's been in a long time. "How?"
"You know, the whole 'I thought I'd die a virgin' thing . . . "
"YOU? C'mon, like that would happen? I'm just sorry I never told you sooner how I felt about you."
"How do you feel about me?"
Lance isn't sure what to say. How much to say. What if he scares JC off? Now he's the one who feels insecure and scared. "I, um, I really like you. A LOT."
"I, um, really like you, too."
Lance decides to leave it like that--for now. He knows how he feels but he's afraid of putting too much on JC at once. "I have to go up to Toronto in a few days. Will you come up and see me?"
"I'd like that." JC realizes that he'd been preparing himself for a brush-off and is very relieved. "I'd like that a lot."
Lance lets out a sight of relief. "Me too. I'd really like to spend time alone with you. Figure out where this is going, you know? You know I've talked before about how I feel about relationships. I tend to fall in love very fast when I meet someone I connect with."
JC is glad Lance can't see his face when he ventures, "Do you think you could? With me?"
"I think . . . I already am." It's too late to take it back now.
JC turns to face Lance. "Me, too."
No, it can't be true. JC? Love him? Lance cups JC's face--his blue eyes are almost too intense to look at. "Josh. You don't have to say that. I know this is your first time, but I did sort of push you into it."
"No, you didn't. Not really. But if this is going slow, I can't wait to see when we speed things up."
Leaning his forehead against JC, Lance laughs. "Yeah, I guess we're gonna have to switch gears. I at least owe you a dinner." Lance rises from the bed, removing the soggy condom and goes into the bathroom to dispose of it. He grabs a towel and hops back in bed, cleaning JC off while saying, "I don't want this to just be about sex."
"It won't be. You're one of my best friends, Lance. I already loved you."
Lance takes JC in his arms, cradling the older man to his chest. "Maybe this was meant to happen. Maybe all along we were meant to be together. Do you know how good it feels to hold you?"
"I know how good it feels to be held."
Lance rubs JC's back and kisses the top of his head. "I feel so lucky right now. Lucky that I was your first, lucky that you're still here. Thank you, Josh."
"You're thanking ME?"
"Yeah. Because before tonight I felt like something was missing from my life. Now it's not."
JC tightens his arms around Lance. "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."
"Well, you better get used to it. I intend to spoil you rotten."
"I think I'm gonna like that."
"You know, this relationship is a good thing--I mean, it's gonna be a lot less complicated than it could be because we work together. There won't be any of that 'I never see you' crap. And with the tour coming up, we'll get to see each other a lot. We may have to do something about the bus situation though." Lance pauses. "Am I moving too fast?"
"Yes," JC says. "But not the way you mean." JC snuggles more securely against Lance's chest. "My poor brain can't get past grinning foolishly and muttering 'Lance made love to me.' You really think I can figure out bus assignments? I'm not sure I can remember my full name right now."
"Joshua Scott Chasez. MY Josh."
"Oh, yeah. That's it." JC feels like he's never going to stop smiling.
"Don't ever worry about forgetting who you are. I'll always be here to remind you. That's what love's all about."
*****
A week later, the guys receive copies of the edited video for their approval. JC and Lance sit cuddled together on the couch of Lance's hotel suite in Toronto, watching. "Wow," JC says when it's over, and picks up the remote to rewind it so they can watch it again.
"Yeah, wow. NOW you see what I was talking about? You ooze sex appeal, JC."
"No wonder you couldn't keep your hands off of me." JC kisses Lance lightly. "Seriously, I was talking about you. Wow."
"It's amazing what good lighting will do."
"Yeah, right. How about we make a deal--you don't try to judge when you're sexy and I don't try to judge when I'm sexy."
"Can I judge when you're sexy? Oh wait, too easy. You're sexy all the time. Okay, deal," Lance relents, holding out his hand.
"Deal."
As JC enfolds the proffered hand, Lance pulls him forward and plants his lips on JC's mouth, sealing the deal. Because sometimes, that's the way love goes.