Forever Young: Home Is Where the Heart Is
by Karen and LB
© 2002
Number 9 in the series.
JC usually slept on airplanes. But today, he couldn't. His mind was racing, and even the feeling of Lance's hand in his, hidden discreetly by the blanket draped over them, couldn't soothe him. As he looked at his boyfriend's sleeping face, JC couldn't help thinking about how brave Lance had been in coming out to his parents and couldn't help feeling cowardly in comparison. He knew that it still wasn't over, still wasn't easy for Lance. Jim Bass's serious eyes, fastened on them from across the aisle from time to time, told him that. It was time, he decided. They had a few days off in Orlando before returning to Europe, and he would go see his parents. With the resolve came the immediate sense of doing the right thing. And with that sense, sleep came at last.
*****
"I'm gonna miss you." They're outside in the parking lot, and Jim Bass is busy packing up the car, so Lance managed to sneak off to the side to say good-bye to his boyfriend. "I know it's only gonna be a few days, but I'll still miss you."
"I'm gonna miss you too. But we'll both feel better when I've done this." JC sounds as if he's trying to convince himself.
"It's gonna be okay, Josh. Look, if my parents can deal with it, anyone can." He glances back at his father. "Well, they can almost deal with it. We just need to give them time. All of them." He squeezes his friend’s hand for reassurance. "Call me if anything happens, okay? Day or night. And even if anything doesn't happen. I just want to hear your voice. Corny, huh?"
JC grins. "Maybe a little. But nice. Really nice." JC leans a little closer and almost gives in to the urge to kiss Lance right here in the open parking lot in front of the guys and Lance's parents and everybody else's parents. He's stopped by Justin bounding over.
"C! I can't believe you're not coming home with us!"
"It's only a couple of days, Just."
"Better be!" Justin hugs JC and turns to Lance. "You'll come over and see me, right Lance?"
Just then Jim, having finished packing the car, calls over "Say goodbye to your friends, Lance. Time to go."
"Sure, Justin. I'll call you later." Lance gives his young friend a hug and does the same to Joey and Chris, then turns to JC and pulls him close. It would be so easy to place soft kisses on his neck as he hugs him, but he doesn't want to give his father any reason to be mad. Jim's been trying to accept this, and maybe a few days alone with his parents will give them a chance to talk more. So, reluctantly, Lance lets go and jogs back to the car. Looking over his shoulder he gives JC a smile of encouragement and waves. Then he slides into the backseat, exhausted and looking forward to a few days of rest and relaxation.
JC watches the car pull away, then picks up the small bag he's taking with him. He thanks Lynn and Justin again for taking care of the rest of his stuff and makes his way back into the terminal to catch his flight.
*****
Karen doesn't want to let go. It feels likes months instead of weeks since she's seen her son, and holding him now brings her such joy that she doesn't want this moment to end. "Are you hungry? You want to lie down?"
"No, Mom. I'm fine. They HAVE been feeding me, you know." JC smiles fondly at his mother. "So where's Dad? I want to talk to both of you."
"Oh? About what? I sent him out to the store; I want to make all your favorites tonight. You're too skinny. They might be feeding you, but you have to eat it." Just then, there's the sound of a car in the driveway.
"Where's my boy?" Roy calls out. As he enters the kitchen, he drops the bag he's been carrying on the table and hugs his son tightly. "It's good to have you back, Josh."
*****
At 11 o'clock the following morning, JC, bedraggled and exhausted, rings the doorbell of Lance's house.
"Josh? What a surprise. We didn't expect you back until Tuesday." Puzzled, Diane soon notices the redness of the boy's eyes. "Josh, are you okay, hon? Why don't you come in?"
"I, um, I should go ho--to Lynn's. I just wanted to see . . . I should go . . . "
"Josh?" Diane folds her arms around the distraught boy, and although he's taller and stronger, he feels frail in her arms. "Oh honey, what's wrong?"
"I, um, I came out to my parents."
"Come in. Sit down." Diane orders. She's been through this before and she's knows what an emotional wreck her son's friend is right now. She leads him into the living room and sits with him on the large sofa. "Now, tell me everything."
JC stares at nothing, still, after all these hours, dry-eyed and shell shocked. "There's nothing to tell. I just don't have parents anymore."
With her arm around JC, Diane says, "Oh, sweetie, that's just not true. They love you very much. It's probably just a shock to them is all. It was a shock to me and Lance's daddy. You know that. Just give them time."
"That's not what they said. They said they made a mistake when they adopted me. They said they would get a restraining order if I tried to contact my brother and sister."
"What? They can't do that. They won't do that. You'll see. They need time to cool off. Josh, would you like me to talk to them? Maybe it would help if they heard from another parent who's going through something similar."
"I-I don't know. I don't want to drag you into this. They don't even know about Lance, about me and Lance."
"Well, they don't have to know, just yet. But it might help them understand if they hear from another parent of a . . . gay child. If they hear how much we love Lance and how it doesn't change anything when your child is gay. You have to understand; the anger is only natural. We come from a very different time and it's hard for us to get used to the way you kids are exposed to different things than we are. It doesn't make what you're doing wrong. It's just that we need time to adjust. In the beginning, I was very upset with Lance, but I love him more than anything in the world, and nothing will ever change that. Your parents love you the same way. They CHOSE you, Josh. Do you know how special that makes you?"
"I don't feel very special right now."
Diane cradles the boy to her and rocks him like she used to do with her own son. "You are special. Very special. Everyone loves you, Josh. You've done nothing wrong. I tell you what--why don't you go on up to the guest room and lie down for a while. You look exhausted. Lance is out with his daddy right now; they're looking at cars, but they'll be back soon. I'll call your mother and we'll have a nice long talk. How does that sound?"
JC tries to remember the last time he slept. Yesterday, on the plane. When he'd been so sure he'd made the right choice. "Yeah, that sounds good." JC pauses. "Um, thank you."
Before she lets JC go, Diane says, firmly, "Josh, you're a part of this family now. Any friend of Lance's is welcome here. You can stay as long as you like." She kisses his cheek tenderly, then rises. "Go on, now."
JC smiles slightly, tentatively, as if the muscles of his face have forgotten how to do it. He follows Diane instructions, barely making it to the guest room's bed before exhaustion overtakes him completely.
*****
Lance knocks softly on the door. He had wanted to come up hours ago but knew from his mom's description that JC needed sleep badly. So he waited, while his mom told him everything. About JC coming here, about her phone call with his mother, about JC staying here. Jim listened too, concerned, and although he wasn't entirely happy about Lance's . . . boyfriend . . . staying in the same house, he knew the boy needed to be around people who cared about him, and like it or not Jim would have to accept this situation. And little by little he was. The thought that someone would reject their own child, after what he went through with his own son, angered him tremendously. So he promised he would welcome JC into their home for as long as the boy needed. And that made Lance love his father even more.
Now, Lance waits a moment, and not hearing anything from inside the room, enters quietly. JC is curled up on the bed, sleeping soundly. Lance walks quietly over, sits on the edge of the bed, and watches his friend sleep.
JC stirs slightly, his forehead creasing in a frown. His fingers dig into the bedspread as he curls up even more.
A bad dream. Lance has come to read JC's face when he has a bad dream. He places a hand on his friend's shoulder and shakes it gently. "Josh? Wake up. I'm here."
JC's eyes spring open and he jerks up, breathing rapidly, before he can even take in who is there with him. When he does he collapses against the mattress again, reaching a hand out. "Lance. I wanted you so much."
"I'm here. Shhhhhh. I'm here." Lance caresses JC's cheek; he's genuinely alarmed at JC's extreme reaction. "Tell me what happened."
"I-it didn't go well with my parents." JC laughs bitterly at the understatement.
"I know. My mom told me. She also told me that she spoke to your mom, and she's NOT taking out a restraining order. She was just really mad."
"I bet she still doesn't want me to contact Tyler and Heather."
"Maybe not right now, but she will eventually. She's just so caught up in the whole religion thing. My parents were too. They didn't understand at first. But they got used to it."
"Your parents weren't this bad. Even at their angriest, they knew they still loved you. My parents . . . told me . . . they didn't . . . anymore." JC finally allows the tears that he has held back for so long to come.
"Aw, Josh, come here." Lance pulls JC into his arms. For once, he feels needed. Usually, it's JC who takes the lead and provides Lance with confidence and reassurance. Now, it's Lance's turn to be the protector. "Of course they love you. They say they don't, but they didn't mean it. They just don't understand right now. They adopted you. They wouldn't have adopted you if they didn't love you."
"They said they'd made a mistake adopting me."
"Those are words. They didn't mean it. My mom talked to your mom. She said she was crying. She said at first she was angry but then she said she wanted you to come home. My mom thinks it would be better if you stayed with us until things cool down."
"Your mom . . . she's great. You're lucky."
"I know. I don't know what I'd do without her. But when she first found out, I thought she was gonna throw me out of the house. But parents don't do that, Josh. They love us. They really do. They just have crazy ways of showing it."
"You don't get it, Lance. Parents DO throw their kids out of the house. Mine did."
It's rare that Lance gets angry, but when he does he usually flies off the handle. So now, he's trying very hard to keep it in check. It's not easy, though. He cannot comprehend the idea that a parent would reject his own child. Even his own father, with his strong religious beliefs, was starting to open his mind to the realization that things are not always so cut and dried. And how could anyone NOT love JC? He is the most caring, sensitive person that Lance knows. So it hurts him terribly to see his friend shattered like this. "They . . . are . . . going . . . to . . . take . . . you . . . back," Lance says, enunciating each word carefully, hoping JC doesn't detect the anger in his voice. "And Josh, if they don't, they don't deserve you. I know that doesn't help, but I love you so much. I can't understand how anyone wouldn't love you."
"THAT helps," JC says, calming a bit in Lance's arms. "That helps more than anything."
"I'll always be here for you. No matter what. And you can stay here as long as you like."
"I'm sure you dad's real happy about that. I can go back to Lynn's. Just not . . . not yet."
"Okay. But you know you're welcome here. My dad's . . . my dad . . . but even he's pissed that your parents threw you out. At least stay tonight. My mom's got a really great dinner going, and after we can go catch a movie, get your mind off this for a while. How does that sound?"
"It sounds like you're taking really good care of me."
Lance embraces JC again. "I like taking care of you." He kisses the side of JC's head and shuts his eyes against his own tears. He is NOT going to cry in front of JC. That's the last thing his friend needs right now. "Whatever you need, Josh, you just tell me."
"This." JC hugs Lance tighter. "I need this."
"I can do this. I can do this for as long as you want." He rubs a soothing hand up and down JC's back, cradling his friend as securely as he can. JC, feeling safe for the first time all day, is overcome with exhaustion again and presses sleepily against Lance's chest.
Lance slowly lowers JC back to the mattress, then covers him with the comforter. Kissing his cheek, he says quietly, "Get some rest and come down when you get hungry."
"Don't go. Please?"
At the desperation in JC's voice, Lance glances at the closed door and thinks about his parents downstairs. But he knows he can't leave his friend in this condition, and right now that's all he's concerned about. His parents will understand. "Okay. I'll stay right here." He caresses JC's cheek, now damp from tears. "Close your eyes. I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to be alone. I'm sorry to be so . . . needy."
"You're not. And don't apologize. That's what I'm here for. That's what . . . friends do for each other. I love you, Josh. We're going to get through this together."
"You don't know how much I need to hear that."
But I do. Because I went through this too. Lance doesn't say the words, just combs JC's hair back with his fingers as he watches his friend drift off to sleep.
*****
An hour later, after JC awakens, the boys head downstairs where Diane has cooked up a warm, delicious dinner. Even Jim makes an effort at conversation and after sends the boys off to see a movie. They wander around the town for a bit afterward and when they arrive home, hours later, Diane and Jim are already in their bedroom.
"Hey, I have an idea," Lance says, secretively. He takes JC's hand and leads him through the house, gathering a beach blanket and a couple of sodas, and then heading out to the backyard. It's a warm, clear, star-filled night; Lance spreads the blanket efficiently and gestures for JC to lie down next to him. "How are you feeling now?"
JC stares up at the stars for a moment, as he considers the question. "Weird. But better. Like when I was coming here, when I waiting for my flight, or in the air or in the cab from the airport, it was all I could think about. And now, it still hurts, duller, but always always there, you know?"
"Yeah, I know. It never goes away. No matter how hard my parents are trying, I'll never forget their faces when I told them. I'm never gonna do that to my kids, no matter what they do."
JC reaches over to take Lance's hand. "You'll make a great dad."
"You think? I think I learned a lot from my parents. We don't always agree on everything, but they've been really supportive with my decisions. Well, most of them anyway." Lance rolls over on his side. "You know what? I think you'll make a great dad too."
"At least I'll know what not to do." JC smiles softly. "I'm gonna spoil my kids so bad."
"Me too. And you know, we'll be able to."
"We hope. We still haven't made it."
"No, but the single's doing well. And the new tracks we laid down are great. This tour's gonna be great. Look how many people come to our shows now."
"Yeah, it's amazing. Sometimes I just can't believe that it's happening, that I'm doing what I love and making something of it. And that I have you and we're doing it together."
"It IS happening and we are together. Maybe coming out was a good thing, because it's shown that this is not some phase either of us is going through. We're as serious about this as we are about the music . . . right?"
JC turns his eyes away from the stars to look at Lance. "You even have to ask?"
Lance, however, looks down at the blanket and picks at a blade of grass that had somehow invaded their space. "I guess sometimes I need to know. Because now, with your parents and everything, it would be easy for you to just forget the whole thing." It had been in the back of Lance's mind ever since JC had shown up at his house.
JC is stunned. "Lance, look at me."
When Lance doesn't comply, JC takes his chin in his hand and turns Lance's face toward him. "What happened with my parents only makes me appreciate what we have more. I felt so lost, but when I woke up and realized that you were with me, I felt loved and I felt safe. And I didn't think I'd feel either of those things for a long time." JC releases his grip on Lance's chin caressing his cheek and brushing his hair back from his forehead. "My parents didn't give me a choice, but if they'd made me make one, I know who I would have chosen."
Lance doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. These past few months have been so . . . turbulent and now, with JC going through such trauma it's all coming to a head. "You don't have to choose, because no matter what you'll always have me." He turns his face and kisses the palm of JC's hand.
JC bites his lip to keep the tears from coming. He feels like he's cried enough today. But even in the midst of all this pain, he's happy in the knowledge that both of them, young as they are, are serious, committed. "That's all I want," he whispers.
Without warning, Lance begins to laugh. "Look at us, we're a couple of wusses." He wipes his eyes, then uses his sleeves on JC's eyes.
JC grins. "Way to kill the mood, Bass."
"You want mood? You want mood? How's this for mood?" Lance plunges down and kisses JC square on the lips.
JC, surprised but not unwilling, returns the kiss, wrapping his arms around Lance's back. Breathless, Lance pulls away. "Now, you were saying?"
"I don't remember."
"That's better." Lance rolls off JC and gazes back at the house. The bedroom lights are off, but the patio light is on. "Maybe we shouldn’t . . . "
"Yeah, your parents are being so great. I don't want them to regret it." JC glances over his shoulder. "Of course, we could call this therapy."
Lance's brow creases in concentration. "Yeah, it's very important to work through your problems and release all that pent-up tension. Are you feeling tense?"
"SO tense."
"Roll over." JC complies. Lance shifts to his knees and brings his hands to JC's shoulders, applying just enough pressure with his hands. "I'm gonna squeeze out every last bit of that tension. I mean, if you want."
JC looks over his shoulder at Lance before dropping his head back onto the blanket. "I want."
"Good, because I need to find a second career if this singing thing doesn't work out." He kneads JC's shoulders, wincing at each knot. How could parents do this to their own child?
"Mmmm." JC relaxes into the blanket. "That feels good."
Lance smiles but doesn't say anything. He can't believe he's doing this. He and JC have done so much more together, but somehow, each time Lance feels as though he has to pinch himself to make sure it's real. To make sure JC is real. He brings his hands to the tight flesh at the back of JC's neck and applies a little more pressure. "Breathe deeply," he instructs.
JC draws in a deep breath and lets it out very slowly. "You're good at this."
"One of the girls in Attache used to give us backrubs all the time. It felt great."
"And here I was not asking so it wouldn't seem like I was doing the jealous boyfriend thing."
"You're not?"
"Yeah, I am. I just didn't want you to think so."
"You know I'm not gonna mess around on you, right? 'Cause I would never do that. I'm not into that. When I'm with someone, I'm with them. I want to be there for you 100 percent. I know Joey's always going out and flirting and stuff and trying to get me to do that too, but that's not me."
"I know that. It's not you I'm worried about. It's the rest of the world."
"What do you mean?" Lance works his hands lower, between JC's shoulder blades.
"Just that you keep getting more attractive every day, and sooner or later, the world's gonna notice." Lance is glad JC can't see his face right now because from the heat in his cheeks he can tell he's turning every shade of red.
"Oh yeah, they're really gonna notice some geeky short kid."
"You're not geeky and you're not short. And I notice you."
"You're the only one I WANT to notice me."
"Oh, I notice. Believe me, I notice."
"It's so weird--a year ago I didn't even know you existed. Except maybe as the kid on the Mickey Mouse club."
"Make that 2 years ago. We've been going out for almost a year, Mr. Organized."
"Wow, has it been that long?"
"Valentine's Day, babe."
"Wow. I didn't realize. I mean, it went by so fast. It's almost like I can't remember what it was like before we . . . you know."
"I know. And I know what you mean."
"Almost a year, huh?" Lance throws his concentration back into JC's tight muscles. A year is a long time. Long enough to know what you're doing. Soon, Bass.
JC smiles. "Over a year. Are you gonna call me a wuss again if I say it's been the best year of my life?"
"No, but I'm not sure I believe you. Better than the Mouse Club?"
"Baby, Mickey's got nothing on you."
"I don't know about that. He's got those big ears and big feet, and you know what they say about that."
"Yeah, but that high, squeaky voice SO gets on my nerves."
"So you DID date Mickey! I knew it!"
"Are you kidding? Minnie would have kicked my butt!"
At the suggestion, Lance glances down at the body part in question. "Hmm, I could think of much better things to do with it." Then he covers his mouth laughing. "I didn't mean . . . oh my goodness."
Even in the dark, JC knows Lance is blushing, and reaches with one hand to touch his hot face. His mouth quirks into a smile. "What DID you mean?"
"I, um . . . " Lance squirms next to JC, realizing that maybe this back rub idea wasn't such a good one. "I just meant that you have a nice ass." There, he said it. No big deal. Yeah, right.
"Nicer than Mickey's?"
"I never really checked out Mickey's butt. He's got that tail and all."
"So whose butt have you checked out?"
Nervous fingers play along JC's back. "No one's. Except yours."
"Then you have nothing to compare it to."
"I don't need to compare it. I know what I like. And I like this." And with that, he gives JC's tight ass a light pinch.
"You know, it's really hard to tease you when you have an answer for everything."
"I had to learn fast--the four of you aren't easy to take on."
"We were that bad?"
"Were?"
"Are?"
"Okay, maybe not as bad as when I first met you--Joey wouldn't leave my hair alone for a week."
"That was Joey. What'd I do?"
"Aw, you know, just general teasing stuff. I don't mind, though. If you didn't tease me it would mean you didn't like me, right?"
"Right. I-I'm really sorry that I wasn't nicer to you in the beginning."
"No, you were all nice. I know y'all were only kidding around. It helped make me feel like one of the guys, you know? You knew each other before I came along. I was the new guy. So when you kidded around with me right off the bat, it made me feel like I belonged."
"Yeah, but I didn't really make an effort to get to know you, either. And I wish I had."
"But you did eventually. That's all that counts." Lance gives JC's shoulders a gentle shake as he says this.
"Yeah, I came to my senses."
Lance rolls over onto his side. "We both did."
"We're so smart."
"What if we hadn't gone out to dinner that night?"
"Then it would have been something else. I believe that. You couldn't have been right in front of my eyes forever without me eventually waking up."
Lance pulls at the blades of grass in front of him. "I can't imagine what my life would be like without you."
"I don't ever want to find out."
Silence fills the air then. Lance takes a deep, quiet breath of the clean night air. "We better go in."
"Yeah, I guess we should. I, um, I needed this. The time with you. I--thanks."
Lance reaches out and grazes JC's cheek with his palm. "You did the same for me."
"Well, if I made you feel as--as RIGHT as you make me feel, then I'm really glad I could do it."
"There's nothing wrong with you. Not a thing."
"Keep telling me that and I might even believe you."
Lance glances quickly up at the house. "Would I do this if I thought there was something wrong with you?" And before JC can respond, Lance kisses the older boy.
JC practically melts into the kiss. Lance really can make him feel like he's all right, like everything will be all right.
Reluctantly, Lance breaks the kiss. "We really better go in."
"Okay, yeah." JC sits up, moving his shoulders and neck a bit. "Much better. Thanks."
"You're welcome." Lance leans over and presses his lips to JC's, this time much more tenderly.
JC lets the kiss linger, sweetly, then gets to his feet, extending a hand to the younger boy. Together they gather up the blanket, and JC slings his arm around Lance's shoulder as they walk toward the house.