The Right Stuff
by Karen and LB
© 2002
JC watches TRL grimly. That's it. The news is out there. And he and Lance haven't once really talked about it. Unless you can count "Dude! I'm going to space!" as talking. They certainly haven't talked about what six months of separation will mean to their relationship.
Lance returns home from yet another meeting to find JC on the couch scowling. He leans over and kisses him, then asks, on his way to the kitchen, "What's the matter--did we slip in the countdown? "
"Carson announced your little news byte."
"What? Oh, I totally forgot that was today. You want anything while I'm up? Water? A sandwich?"
"No, nothing."
"Now, nothing's set in stone, but I had to say something." Lance returns from the kitchen with a bag of Oreos and a bottle of water.
"When are you going to say something to me?"
"What do you mean? About what?" Puzzled, Lance takes a seat next to JC.
"This. All of this. We haven't once talked about what it's going to mean for us."
Still confused, Lance furrows his brow and smiles. "It's going to mean nothing. I'll be away for a little while. It doesn't have to change anything."
"A little while? Seven months is not a little while."
Lance puts the cookies on the coffee table and moves closer. "It'll be over before we know it. I'll be busy and you'll be busy and then I'll be home."
"That works for a weekend, a week. This is different."
"How?"
"It's a long time. It turns our lives upside down."
"How is it going to turn our lives 'upside down'? You tell me, because I'm perfectly secure with our relationship."
"I didn't say I wasn't." JC rakes his hand through his hair. "But this is a huge change. You're talking about leaving for six months, then going to freaking space."
"I know, isn't it great?"
"Lance, are you hearing a word I'm saying?"
"I'm listening, JC. I just don't see the problem. This is my dream. Don't you want me to live out my dream?"
"No! Yes! That's just it. It's YOUR dream. But you never asked me if I minded putting MY life on hold for it."
"I didn't think I had to. You don't want me to go, do you." He doesn't ask, he simply states it as fact.
"I want you to care whether I do or not."
Lance climbs onto JC's lap and puts his arms around him. "I care. But I can't believe you would make me choose. JC, wasn't your dream to sing? Didn't your dream come true?"
"Yes. But I didn't leave you for six months to do it."
JC might as well have slapped Lance in the face. Slowly, he climbs off and moves toward the hallway to the bedroom. "I don't know where this is coming from, but I'm not leaving you."
"You're not?" JC calls after him. "Then how do you explain it?"
But he couldn't. In Lance's mind, there was nothing to explain. He loved JC. Undeniably. But he also wanted to go into space. Why couldn't he have both?
It's what bothers JC most. Not that Lance is doing this, although JC's not exactly thrilled with the idea of Lance happily walking into something so potentially dangerous. It's that Lance didn't, hasn't, won't talk to him.
That afternoon at rehearsal they barely speak. That night they don't make love, and when they wake the next morning Lance announces that they had better do something before the tour starts up.
"Like what? You refuse to talk to me, so where does that leave us?"
"What do you want me to say? JC, I don't know what I have to do to prove to you that I love you, but I do. I love you. Isn't that enough?"
"You love me enough to leave me for all this time. You love me enough to commit to something that will take you away from me and is dangerous to boot without even talking to me about it. Carson knew before I did."
"You knew. You knew, JC. Maybe you just didn't want to believe it was going to happen. Maybe you didn't want it to happen."
"I knew after you had already decided."
"JC, I don't even know if I'm going. Nothing's been decided yet. All I'm doing is going for tests."
"And if you pass the tests?"
"Then we have to come up with the money."
JC rolls his eyes. "And if you pass the tests and get the money?"
"Then the Russians get to decide. I'm not the only candidate."
"Lance, I'm trying to talk to you here. About you and me. About what this is going to mean. About what it already means that you think it's okay to make a decision that's going to affect us both without even talking to me about it."
"What was I supposed to say? 'JC, some guys want to send me to space. Is it okay if I go?' "
"I'm not saying you should have asked my permission. But, yeah, it would have been nice if you'd talked to me before you made your decision. That's what people in relationships do."
"There wasn't a question about what decision to make. I'm not choosing between you and space. Space is something I've always wanted. You are the man I love."
"There's no point having this conversation if you're just going to twist everything I say."
"I'm not twisting anything! What do you want from me?"
"I never said anything about making a decision between me and space. That's not twisting?"
"But you said I should have talked to you about it before I decided anything. So you're saying there was a decision to be made."
"Yeah, between going to space and not going to space. Between disrupting our lives for a year and not disrupting our lives for a year." JC jumps up and paces around the room. "It's like, it's like if I decided I was going to get more serious about painting, and I decided to move to France for a year. And I didn't talk to you and I didn't care how it affected you. I just did it." He stops in from of Lance. "But that doesn't even come close. Painting doesn't put my fucking life at risk. So maybe I just decided to move to Italy and drive race cars . . . The point is, it would affect both of our lives. So I would talk to you before I just up and decided."
For a moment, Lance just sits there, speechless. "I would support you no matter what you wanted to do. No matter what. Even if it meant being separated for a year. Because I love you no matter what."
"We'll never have to find out if that's true. Because I would never do that to you."
"What do you want me to say? I'm sorry if you think I did this deliberately, because I didn't. I told you what was going on from the get-go."
"Yeah, you told me. 'I'm doing this, and I don't care what you think.' "
"I never said that."
"Not in those words, no. But that's what I'm getting from you."
"Then you're reading more into this than there is. I want to do this. I want to do this with your support. I don't know what you're afraid of."
"You never asked for it."
"I didn't think I had to." Frustrated, Lance wipes his eyes and stands up, gathering his things. "Maybe I should stay somewhere else tonight."
"If you walk away now, you might as well keep walking."
Lance hesitates for just a second, but then he's gone.
"Lance!" JC calls, but he doesn't go after him. He flings himself on the couch, anger and sadness and helplessness warring in him.
Somehow, they came to a truce for works' sake and got through the Olympics. And during that weekend JC did seem genuinely happy for Lance. But Lance knew it was just a front, so before the tour started he approached JC with the proposition that they would get through the tour and talk again after Lance came back from his first round of tests in Moscow.
Talk again? That's pretty funny, since we haven't really talked yet, JC thinks. "Fine, whatever you want," is what he says.
For a while, things seemed fine. They weren't sharing a hotel room, but they were both civil and made every effort to put on a great show. Lance was so excited about going to Russia and having things progress so quickly that he didn't have time to be upset. He only hoped that whatever was happening between him and JC would work itself out.
He was wrong.
The day of the Ft. Lauderdale show, Lance sensed JC was unusually tense. "Hey, JC, you want to get out of here for a while, grab something to eat before sound check?"
"Um, yeah, sure."
They retreat to a quiet restaurant not far from the arena, and when they've ordered and have their food in front of them, Lance speaks. "So, um, I guess I'll be leaving for Russia soon."
JC looks up and meets Lance's eyes. "How soon?"
"Like, two weeks."
"That's soon. That's really soon."
"I know. That's why I thought we should, um, you know, talk. This isn't working, is it?"
"No." JC spits it out bitterly, but there are tears in his eyes.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry it had to end this way. I don't know what I can say or do to prove to you that I love you, so maybe we should just . . . take a break."
"I don't--I don't have a choice."
"What choice? You've made it pretty clear you're not happy about this."
"Don't try to make this all my fault."
"It's not. It's not anyone's fault. It just . . . happened."
"Oh, right. It just happened. It didn't 'just happen,' Lance, and you know it."
"I think it will be good for us to be apart for a while." When he says the words he tells himself that someday he'll come to believe them.
"You took care of that. We'll be as apart as two people can be and still be on the same planet. Until you LEAVE the planet."
"Is that what you want? For me to leave?"
"It doesn't matter what I want. It's what you're doing."
Lance grows quiet. "I wanted to share this with you. I really did."
"Then why didn't you? You shut me out."
"I didn't shut you out--I told you what I knew."
"You will never get this, will you? Yeah. You told me. You just didn't care what I thought or wanted."
"So tell me now. Tell me what you want."
"It's too late."
"If you say so."
"You're leaving anyway. What does it matter what I think?"
"It matters to me."
"Why? Why now?"
"Because you seem to have something to say but you're not saying it."
"I had something to say two months ago. You weren't interested."
"Then why didn't you just say it, JC?"
"I tried. You wouldn't listen."
"This is going nowhere. I'm going to Russia. I'm hopefully going to space. I hoped you'd be there when I got back."
"I would have been. I would have gone with you, if you'd asked."
Lance looks down at the table, the sadness evident in his eyes. "I couldn't take you with me."
"If you wanted me to be part of it, you could."
"I'm not running this thing. There are rules and stuff."
"Lori Garver's bringing her whole family."
"Um, yeah," Lance says, fidgeting with his hands. "Family."
"So I don't rate."
"You rate with me. You just don't rate with the public."
"We could have figured something out."
"We couldn't risk it. Not for either of us. Everyone's going to be watching me 24/7."
"So, you're going whether I want you to or not, and you wouldn't take me with you if you could. Exactly why do you think I should be here when you get back?"
"Because you love me?"
"If I believed you still loved me, that might be enough."
"Maybe you just don't want to believe it."
"You haven't given me a reason to believe in a long time."
"Did I have to? Couldn't you just believe that I do?"
"It's kinda hard when everything you do is telling me you don't."
"Then I don't know what else to tell you except that I do love you, but I'm going to do this."
"I know," JC says sadly.
So there was nothing left to say. Well, there was plenty left to say but neither boy had the energy to drag this out longer than it had to be. During sound check, JC tried his best to hide his feelings, but Lance could tell it was tearing him up. It was bad enough the tour was ending--that was always stressful enough. The tour was ending, their relationship was ending, it was completely understandable that JC was upset. During the show that night Lance kept trying to get JC to smile, but JC kept him at a distance.
Lance hadn't even told JC about Boston. He had mentioned after his first trip to Russia that he might have to have his little heart condition taken care of sooner than he planned, but nothing was definite. Now it was, and with the breakup Lance hadn't wanted to make JC feel that he had to come with him or do any more hand- holding. But he still felt it would only be right to keep JC in the loop. So he wrote him a letter and had it hand-delivered the night before the procedure.
JC reads the letter, then reads it again. He puts it down and calls the airlines. His flight booked, he calls Joey to find out what hotel Lance is staying at in Boston. At a little after midnight, he's standing outside Lance's door, debating whether to knock. If Lance has to get up early, he's probably asleep. But JC desperately wants to see him. So he compromises and knocks softly.
Lance had just turned in, after reading for a while. His mother was in the room next door, and he figured she was knocking to remind him for the hundredth time about some detail for tomorrow. Rubbing his eyes, he walks his pajama-clad body to the door and is stunned to see JC on the other side. "JC, w-what are you doing here?"
"I had to see you before you . . . you know . . . the surgery."
Holding open the door, Lance gestures for JC to come in, smiling and shaking his head. "It's not surgery. It's an outpatient procedure. I'll even be awake during it."
"I know. But it's still, like, your heart. And I seem to still feel a certain attachment to that thing."
"I thought you were mad at it."
"I was. I am. But not enough to want to stay broken up from it."
"I don't want to break up either. I never wanted to."
"We still have a lot of stuff to work out. How we are with each other. But I want to."
Lance sits on the large bed, cross-legged. "I never meant to leave you out."
"I think maybe you were so excited you didn't realize you were."
"I think you're right. Everything seemed to happen so fast, even though it started, like, a while ago. It never occurred to me I wasn't including you ever step of the way, and that was really selfish of me. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, too. I just got so frustrated that you couldn't hear what I was saying."
"Maybe I was afraid you wouldn't want me to go."
"Part of me doesn't. It's scary stuff. I don't want anything to happen to you."
"Nothing's going to happen to me. Besides, you can't live life wondering 'what if'. If we did, we'd probably never be *NSYNC."
"I know. I'm still scared."
"Everything has its risks. But this is something I have to do. I'd just be happier doing it if I knew I had your support."
"If you want it, it's yours."
"I don't want to do it without it. I can't do it without my parents, Stacy, and you behind me."
JC kneels in front of Lance and takes both his hands. "I support you. Even if it does scare me."
Lance smiles, despite the tears welling in his eyes. "If it didn't scare you, I'd know you didn't love me."
JC releases Lance's hands and wraps his arms around Lance's waist, laying his head in Lance's lap. "I DO love you."
"I love you too. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to break up."
"Then we won't. But you still have to leave."
Lance strokes JC's hair in a soothing rhythm. "I'll be back in July. And I'll spend every free moment I have with you. And I'll call you as much as I can from Russia. I promise."
"I'm going to miss you so bad."
"I'm going to miss you so much, too. But we still have till Monday, and I want to spend as much time with you as I can. Can we do that?"
"Yeah, except I'm committed to the stupid Derby stuff. On your birthday and everything."
"That's okay. We'll figure something out. My mom and Beth are throwing parties next week. You're coming to those, right?"
"I am now."
"Good. It's not a party without you. And you can keep my mom company tomorrow. She'll like that."
"She doesn't even know I'm here." The thought makes JC chuckle.
"It'll be a nice surprise."
"She's not mad at me for, like, breaking up with you?"
"Are you crazy? She loves you. She understands how hard it's been on both of us. She'll be so happy we're back together."
"After being officially broken up for, what, three days?"
Lance laughs. "We have a better track record than Justin and Britney, I guess."
JC lifts his head and looks up at Lance. "Doesn't everyone?"
"They'll work it out. Just like we did. They were meant to be together."
JC smiles and pillows his head on Lance's lap again. "What time do you have to get up tomorrow?"
"I don't have to be at the hospital until 10."
"That's not too bad. But you should still get some sleep. I'm sorry I got here so late. I would have been here sooner if I could."
"I'm glad you're here. Um, you know you can stay here. I've got this big bed and everything."
"Thanks. Otherwise it'd be a park bench somewhere."
"You'd probably get arrested."
"Think of the headlines."
"Think of your cellmates." Lance shudders.
"I guess I'm safer right here."
Lance pulls JC onto the bed. "I'll protect you."
"My hero."
"Why don't you go wash up and climb into bed."
"Okay." JC gets up, and, grabbing the small bag he'd brought with him, ducks into the bathroom. He emerges after a few minutes, strips to shorts and T-shirt, and joins Lance under the covers. Lance holds open the blanket and then curls his body around JC. "I'm so glad you came."
"Me, too. Being apart from you like that, it was like amputating my own foot or something."
"Ouch. Don't do that. I like your feet." To prove it, he nudges JC's feet with his own.
"You know what I mean," JC says, nudging back. "Like part of myself was gone."
Lance begins to grope JC. "Seems like everything's where it's supposed to be."
"Cause I have you back."
Wrapping his arms around JC and squeezing tightly, Lance says, "For good."
"For good." For the first time in far too long, JC kisses Lance.
Despite everything that's happened, despite everything that may or will happen, Lance loves JC more than he ever has.
They fall asleep in one another's arms, secure in each other, and in the future.