Selfish: No Matter What It Is You're Going Through
by Karen and LB
© 2002
JC looks in the mirror and frowns, tweaking his hair again. He knows he's being foolish--he sees Lance every day, after all. And they're just going out clubbing with the guys. But he wants to look nice for Lance. Lance always sees him sweaty at shows, or sweaty when they run together, which they've done several times during the last couple of weeks. So he's dressed in clothes he thinks Lance will like--pants that fit like a glove and a shirt that Lance had urged him to buy when they had gone shopping with Joey last week--and fussed with his hair. Finally he caps his gel, switches off the bathroom light, and goes out to the bedroom, where he retrieves his wallet and keys from the dresser. Coming out of his room, JC practically collides with Justin.
"Everyone's ready. Except Lance," Justin informs him.
"I'll go get him." JC walks down the hall to Lance's room and knocks.
Lance almost doesn't hear the knock on the door, and he ignores it for a minute until he hears it again. "Hang on," he says into his cell phone. When he opens the door and sees JC, he motions him inside saying, "Hang on," then brings the phone to his ear again. "So tell them to send it out here. You have my itinerary."
JC waits for Lance to finish the call, then says, "Everyone's ready." He glances at the uncharacteristic chaos of the room, at Lance still in the clothes he'd traveled from the venue in. "You're not. "
"Just give me a minute, okay?" Lance scrambles around the room, and as he's about to reach into the closet for a clean shirt when the phone rings. "Yeah? Well? Okay, I'll check right now." He heads to the desk where his laptop waits and holds a finger up. "One minute," he mouths to JC, then turns to the computer screen.
There's another knock on the door, and JC waves to Lance to keep doing what he's doing while he answers it. Chris, bouncing impatiently, is waiting on the other side. "C'MON, dudes," he shouts, and JC shushes him, conscious of Lance trying to talk on the phone.
"Lance got a couple of calls he needs to deal with," JC says. "Look, why don't you take off, and I'll wait for Lance. We'll catch up with you later."
Chris peers around JC curiously and hears Lance's voice, low and contained. "You're never gonna make it."
JC shrugs. "Maybe, maybe not. I don't mind waiting. And you know Lance and clubs."
"They'll wait for HIM." Chris shakes his head. "Later, dude."
Meanwhile, Lance is busy looking over a treatment that Wendy just sent him. "It's another teen flick. Yes, it is. The main character just graduated high school."
JC closes the door behind Chris's retreating figure and flops down on the couch, waiting for the next lull in Lance's flurry of activity.
Lance gets up and begins pacing. When he sees JC reclining, watching him, he smiles apologetically. He can't help but admire the figure stretched out so enticingly. But then Wendy's voice brings him back. "No, I want to do something different. I don't want to keep playing kids. I think it's a good script--I'd like to talk to Mandy about it."
JC looks around, locates the tv remote and starts flipping aimlessly through the channels, sound on low.
And so the night wears on. Lance alternates between Wendy and A Happy Place and Stacy and Free Lance. Because of the time difference, it's midnight in LA when Lance finally hangs up the phone. He checks his email one last time and runs a hand through his short, mussed hair. "Sorry about that, C," he mutters. "Give me five minutes to change. JC?" He notices that JC is no longer on the couch and wanders to the bedroom, where he finds his friend curled up on the bed, sound asleep. As quietly as he can, he pads over to the bed and climbs onto the mattress. Shaking JC's shoulder gently, he says softly, "JC, wake up."
"Mmmmmmph?" JC stirs and his eyes slit open. He smiles adoringly at the face hovering over him. "Hey."
"Hey, you ready? I've been waiting for hours."
"Huh?" JC sits up fast. "I'm--you are NOT. You haven't even changed yet."
Lance bounces off the bed and heads for the closet. "All I have to do is throw on a clean shirt."
"You don't have to. It's so nice and comfy here." JC pats the bed encouragingly. "We could . . . stay in."
Lance spins around as though JC just spoke martian. "Stay in? We've been in all night."
"I know," JC stretches luxuriously. "But I bet we could think of something to do. Something at least as much fun as tracking down the guys."
Intrigued, Lance narrows his eyes. "Yeah? What's more fun than going clubbing?"
JC looks down, then looks up at Lance through the artful tangle of his long hair. He smiles a slow, drowsy smile. "Come over here and I'll show you."
When JC looks that way, and turns on the charm, Lance is powerless to resist. He moves slowly to the bed, hands at his side, "Show me what?"
"You'll have to come CLO-ser," JC says sweetly, perfectly mimicking Lance's own pronunciation.
Lance smirks and stops in his tracks, rolling his hand. "Okay, I'm CLO-ser."
JC catches his lower lip in his teeth, letting his lashes sweep down over his eyes then up again. "Not close enough."
Lance brings one knee up on the edge of the bed and places his palms on the mattress. "How's this?"
"You're getting warmer."
"I am." To demonstrate, Lance peels off his shirt. JC hadn't expected that, and his intake of breath shows it. "You're still too far away."
"Well, I DO have to change if we're going out."
JC sits up partway, leaning toward Lance until their lips almost touch. "You still want to go out?"
"Give me a reason to stay."
JC brings his lips to Lance's, taking the full lower lip between his own before closing his mouth over both soft, pink lips. He wraps an arm around Lance's neck, easing him down onto the bed.
Lance makes a half-hearted attempt to push away, but then lets his body go slack and falls easily on the bed.
JC laughs softly as he feels Lance acquiesce. He lets his hands roam over the muscled expanse of Lance's back as they kiss again and again.
Lance didn't realize how hungry he was for this until they started kissing. He really was eager to go out after being cooped up inside for so long, but it's hard to resist JC when he's so sexy. "You're not making this easy, you know."
"Good. I'm trying to make it hard."
"JC!"
JC gives his most innocent look. "It's working, isn't it?"
Lance pushes himself up so that he's supported by the strength of his arms. He gazes down at himself and replies, "It sure is."
JC smiles up at him. "Good. I want to make you feel so good."
"You do." Lance lowers himself and presses his lips against JC's neck.
Wrapping both arms around Lance, JC holds him tightly. They fit so well together, he thinks. Like they were mean to be.
Lance slips his arms under JC's shoulders and hugs him back. But at the same time, he feels guilty. Lance wants JC, but he wants to have it all right now, and he's so afraid that if he plunges in he'll get lost in it.
JC presses his lips to Lance's ear. "Make love to me, Lance. Please?" Lance stiffens and his breath comes in ragged gasps as he hears the words. "JC . . . I . . . are you sure?"
"SO sure. I want you so much."
Both perplexed and excited, Lance is torn between his confusion over JC's need for him and the thrill of being needed and wanted so much. And by JC. Who could have anyone. Why him? And if they make love, will JC expect more from him? But now is not the time to think. It feels so good to lie here, on top of JC's beautiful body, to be able to touch him like this. Lance is on fire, and he's not going to stop now. Instead of talking, he covers JC's mouth with his own and lets his body take over.
As soon as Lance kisses him, JC knows everything is going to be all right. He can feel Lance's heart pounding against him, feel his own beating in response. His arms are wrapped around Lance as if he never wants to let go.
Equally caught up in the moment, Lance begins to unbutton JC's shirt, eager to touch him, eager to feel skin on skin. His fingers awkwardly work the buttons, but soon he has the shirt open, revealing a white wifebeater underneath. He breaks the kiss and slides his hands under the shirt, then moves down and places hungry kisses all over JC's rippled abs.
JC sighs contentedly, enjoying the kisses that should tickle, but don't. Needing to touch Lance, he runs his fingers through the thick hair, something he's longed to do for so long.
Lance flicks open the button of JC's pants, kisses his stomach one more time, then raises his head. "Hang on. Don't move."
JC looks up, startled, but follows Lance's instructions.
"It's okay, I just gotta get something. Um . . . I'll be right back." He almost falls off the bed trying to stand up, then smiles awkwardly and darts into the next room, where he empties out one of his duffles and sifts through the contents until he finds the items he stowed away weeks ago. When he returns to the bedroom, he hurries back to the bed and puts the box of condoms and the small tube of lubricant on the nightstand. "Um, I bought these a few weeks ago . . . just in case."
"Very . . . businesslike," JC says seriously. Well, in an ATTEMPT to be serious. He's actually way too happy.
Lance sits on the edge of the bed and stares at the wall. "Look, I . . . this doesn't mean we're . . . I mean, I want to be with you, JC. But I--"
"You what, Lance? I want to be with you; you want to be with me. What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing. Nothing at all. It's great." And maybe that's the problem. "Really great."
"You don't sound like it's great."
"I'm just a little scared, I guess. It's been a long time."
"Lance," JC says softly, sitting up and laying a soothing hand on Lance's shoulder. "I told you before--I wanna make you feel good. And if this is making you feel not good, I can go."
"Don't. I want you to stay. Really."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I just freaked for a minute."
JC leans his head against Lance's back. "I guess you're allowed."
"So, you're not even a little nervous?"
"Sure I am. You should feel my heart racing."
Lance turns, smiling shyly, and places his palm on JC's chest. "Wow. Wait, feel mine."
JC touches just his fingertips to Lance's chest. "We better do something about this," he whispers, rubbing his fingers very lightly on the smooth, tan flesh.
Lance nods, sliding JC's shirt off his shoulders and lifting up the undershirt to expose his chest. Once that shirt has been discarded, Lance takes charge. He slowly lowers JC to the mattress and kisses him gently on the lips. Soon, he parts those lips with his tongue and begins exploring the dark recess within.
JC teases at the sweetly intrusive tongue with his own. His fingers, still lying against Lance's chest, find a small, hard nipple and circle it, spiraling down to almost but not quite pinch the sensitive flesh.
Lance moves between JC's legs, undulating his hips as his mouth travels over JC's cheek to his ear. He breathes heavily and groans, "I want you so bad."
JC gasps out "You got me. You so got me."
Lance nips at JC's earlobe before tracing JC's neck with his lips, already on fire from their kisses, while his hands work to get JC's pants over his hips.
JC lifts his hips to make it easier for Lance. His hand moves more boldly over Lance's chest, swooping lower every time.
Momentarily moving out of reach to remove JC's pants, Lance sits back on his heels and gazes down at the figure sprawled out before him. "You're so sexy."
JC looks up with lust-clouded eyes. "Yeah? Me?"
Lance gets on all fours, his hands on either side of JC and brings his face close. "Yeah. You."
Running one hand down Lance's chest to cup his crotch, JC grins up at him. "You are."
Lance's back curves upward at the touch, and he buries his face in JC's neck, teasing, "Nah ah--YOU are."
JC stretches his neck to allow Lance better access. "Mmmm. Maybe we both are."
"Maybe?"
"Definitely."
"Well, then, Mr. Sexy, I think I better get busy before there's nothing left to get busy with."
JC rubs his hand over the bulge straining against Lance's zipper. "I don't think there's much danger of that."
"You keep doing that, there will be." Lance pulls away, kneeling back to unfasten his pants and slide down the zipper. He leaps off the bed and lowers his jeans, keeping on his boxer-briefs for now. Bouncing back on the bed, Lance lays beside JC, letting his hand wander over JC's long body.
JC closes his eyes and practically purrs, then reaches out his hand to caress Lance. With feather-light fingers, he explores Lance's chest before moving lower with a firmer touch.
Lance traces JC's jawline with his own fingertips, then moves up to his soft, full lips.
JC kisses the fingers, then nibbles on them playfully.
Lance watches, fixated on the teeth and tongue, and soon his lips are pressed against JC's cheek.
JC exchanges Lance's fingers for his mouth, this time not kissing tentatively, but plunging his tongue past lips and teeth to explore the sweet, moist depths.
Automatically, Lance rolls on top of JC and between his legs, and his hips grind against the bulge in JC's shorts. Lance reaches inside and begins stroking the pulsing erection, his own arousal increasing with every second of the kiss. Pressing against that very welcome hand, JC runs his hands down Lance's back, slipping them inside Lance's boxer- briefs and squeezing his firm round ass. Lance moans into JC's mouth, sending a low vibration through his body. He strokes more insistently, urging JC on.
The sound alone sends shivers down JC's spine and he starts tugging at Lance's shorts, needing to touch him all over.
Lance releases JC and sits up, moving to the edge of the bed to remove his shorts. He looks back at JC, his heart pounding, and reaches for the box of condoms. With steady, sure fingers he removes one and lays it beside JC's hip, then turns sideways and lowers JC's shorts, sliding them down his legs and off. He sighs at the sight, then tears open the small packet and rolls the condom down his hot erection. "Are you sure about this?" he asks once more.
"SO sure. Now . . . please?"
Without saying another word, not wanting to talk either himself or JC out of this, Lance positions himself between JC's legs and reaches for the lube. "Put your legs up," he instructs.
JC does as he's told, looking up at Lance through his raised knees.
"I've um, never used this before," admits Lance, turning the tube over in his hands.
JC holds out his hand. "Here." He takes the lube from Lance and squeezes some out onto his palm, then recaps the tube and tosses it aside. He strokes Lance's sheathed erection with his slick hands, covering it thoroughly.
Lance closes his eyes while JC coats the condom. When JC is finished, Lance hooks his arms under JC's legs and raises his hips. Beads of sweat form on his brow as he positions himself. With one quick movement, he's inside, surrounded by JC's tight passage. A low grunt escapes his throat as the sensation hits him, and he lowers himself onto JC, needing to be as close as possible.
JC gasps as he's penetrated, closing his eyes and grimacing as he waits for the pain to pass. When he opens his eyes again, he looks up at Lance, his eyes full of trust and something more, something he tries to mask because he doesn't want Lance to be scared away by it.
"Does it hurt?" Lance asks, pausing mid-thrust, his voice full of concern.
"Um, yeah, a little. But it's okay. And it's getting better," JC says encouragingly.
Lance pulls back, fearful of hurting JC any more. "I can stop. I don't want to hurt you."
"No, it, um, feels good more than it hurts." JC touches Lance's face. "Don't stop."
"It feels so good, JC." Lance thrusts again, slow and deep, capturing JC's mouth as he brings JC's legs higher, resting them on his shoulders.
JC begins to move with Lance, rocking his hips with the thrusts. The hand that had lain against Lance's cheek now caresses the back of his head, where the hair meets the tender skin of his neck. The other grips and releases the bedspread spasmodically.
Lance breaks the kiss as the intensity of the act drives him to thrust faster. He moans against JC's neck, sweat pouring from his brow and down his back. He reaches underneath JC and wraps his arms around him, holding him as close as possible. "Oh my gosh, JC . . . "
JC is incredibly aroused, with the movement of their bodies squeezing and caressing his aching erection and Lance both buried deep inside him and wrapped around him.
Lance presses his lips to JC's neck again and again, and nibbles his fleshy earlobe. He props himself up, knowing he's close to orgasm and wanting to see JC's face. Wrapping one hand around JC's neglected erection, he strokes in time with his thrusts, needing for JC to feel as much pleasure as he is experiencing at this moment.
JC looks up at Lance with the same expression of wonder he'd worn when Lance had awakened him earlier. Like every dream he'd ever dreamed had just come true.
"What, what is it?"
JC is saved from answering when his orgasm hits him, hard. His head digs into the pillow as his back arches and he presses harder against Lance.
Lance reaches under JC, supporting him with one hand while his other continues stroking his erection until his orgasm subsides. He's so entranced by JC's reaction that he is barely aware his own tempo has increased.
JC's eyes flutter open and he looks up into Lance's intent face again. As Lance continues to pump into him, to stroke him, it feels like his orgasm could last forever.
Lance finally releases JC, lowering himself once again and pressing his body tightly to JC, finally exploding as he climaxes, his cry muffled against JC's shoulder.
JC wraps his arms around Lance, holding him tightly as he trembles and shakes, pressing kisses into the soft prickliness of Lance's hair.
Lance remains in the safety and comfort of JC's arms long after he's spent. He sighs, content and weary, still puzzled over the intensity of his feelings for JC. He never meant for this to happen. He never meant to fall in love with JC.
"So you still wish we went clubbing?" JC says, softly.
"Maybe. A little. Then I'd get to see you dance."
"You get to see me dance every day."
"That's different. That's choreographed. I like to watch you when you're just being you."
"This is as 'me' as it gets."
"I like this you."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Good." JC squeezes Lance gently. "Cause I like this YOU."
Lance rolls onto his side. "I think you'll like me better once I get cleaned up," he says, gesturing with his eyes to the soggy condom.
"Yeah, I guess maybe I might."
Lance hauls himself off the bed and trots to the bathroom. When he sees his reflection in the mirror, he looks away. He feels so guilty, but so good at the same time. Is it so wrong to feel this way about someone?
JC rolls onto his side and curls up to wait for Lance to come back. In the back of his mind is the fear that Lance is going to come back and ask him to leave. Not like that, of course. All gentlemanly. "Well, I've got more calls to make in the morning and you'd be more comfortable in your own room . . . "
When Lance does return, he crawls quietly back into bed, pulling the covers over them both and turning so that he's lying spoon fashion behind JC. "Mmmm. You smell nice. I never even told you."
"Thanks. I'm glad you like it. Lance?"
"Yeah?"
"I, um, look. I know I've been coming on kind of strong the past couple of weeks. But I, I don't just DO this, you know? I don't just, you know, do this with anyone."
Lance tightens his hold around JC's waist. "I know. Me neither. But JC, this IS a big step."
"I, I know. But we both, um, wanted, um, SOMETHING, right?"
"Yes. I have NO regrets."
"Good. I was afraid . . . "
So was I, thinks Lance.
"We'll figure this out, right?" JC murmurs sleepily.
"Right," Lance answers softly. They will. He hopes.