A set of two. Companion pieces. Not necessarily in the same universe.

Jealousy: Part One

by Karen and LB
© 2002

It's amazing how fast things can go from wonderful to horrible. Like in a second. One minute they were making love, amazing, perfect love. So entangled in each other that an observer wouldn't have been able to say where one ended and the other began. And then he said it. Thrusting deeply, listening to the symphony of little sounds his lover made in response, JC let his mouth drift to his lover's ear and whispered "I love you, Bobbie."

Lance freezes. "What??? What did you just say?" He presses against JC's chest, needing to see his face.

JC is confused. "I-I said 'I love you, baby.' Like I always do."

Horrified that JC would try to cover up what he said by lying, Lance pushes him off and sits up, the passion quickly draining from his mind and body. "No, you didn't," he replies, keeping his voice even. "You said 'Bobbie'. You said HER name." Lance had suspected this for a while and just wondered when it would actually surface.

"I did? I couldn't have. Why would I say 'Bobbie'?"

It's almost as if a window opened, letting in a draft as Lance says, "I don't know. You tell me."

"There's nothing to tell, Lance. You know that. You KNOW that."

Lance swings his feet over the edge of the bed so his back is to JC. "I don't know anything right now. Except what I heard." He rises and begins to collect his clothes, which are scattered around the room. He can't even remember how his pants ended up all the way by the far wall.

"Lance, I don't know what to tell you. I can't even believe I said her name instead of 'baby.' I certainly wasn't thinking about her."

Lance glares up from where he's bent over, picking up his socks. "How can you say that? YOU SAID HER NAME. If you weren't thinking about her, you wouldn't have said her name. I can't believe you're even trying to make excuses."

"Lance, she's my friend. She's your friend, too. We were just talking about her two hours ago. You're gonna let one slip of the tongue wreck us?"

Lance pauses, mid-sock, and leans against the wall. Maybe JC was right. Maybe he is overreacting. But what if he's not? What if Bobbie really is more than just a friend? Lance never thought JC would cheat on him, but isn't Joey still teasing him about being a naive kid from Mississippi who wouldn't know a lie if it walked up to him and slapped him in the face? "I don't know, Josh. I don't know what to think. One minute, we're making love, the next minute you're calling out her name. I just think I better go bunk somewhere else tonight. Suddenly, I'm just not in the mood anymore." He gathers his shoes and, head down, leaves the hotel room. Out in the hallway, Lance bangs his fist against the wall and heads to Joey's room, hoping he's there and not still out at some club.

JC just lies there on the bed, stunned. How did this happen? How did this happen? He considers going after Lance, but Lance was just so furious. And so hurt. JC decides that maybe he should give Lance some time. So he instead reaches for his phone and dials. He's fine till he hears her voice. Then his own cracks as he says, "Bobbie?"

"JC? Sweetie, you sound awful. What's wrong?"

JC is crying now. "Bobbie, I screwed up bad. Lance just walked out of here. I- -we--we were making love, and I called him 'baby,' like I always do. But it came out Bobbie. And he's just so--I don't know how to fix this."

There's an intake of breath on the other end of the line. "Poor Lance," Bobbie says sympathetically. "Yeah, you really screwed up this time, JC."

"What am I gonna DO, Bobbie?" JC asks, his voice still tear-filled. "He won't listen to me. He doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm cheating on him with you."

"Can you blame him, JC?" Bobbie sighs. "I'll be there tomorrow."

"You think that's a good idea?"

"I was coming for the weekend anyway. Maybe he'll listen to me. I'll try anyway." Bobbie sighs again. "Listen, make sure my room is like on another floor, okay. Another hotel, even, if there's one nearby."

"Uh, yeah. Okay," JC sniffs.

"JC, we're gonna fix this, okay? I believe in you two. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah. Bye, Bobbie. And--thanks."

"Bye, sweetie."

JC looks around the silent room, which hadn't seemed lonely an hour ago. Finally he crawls out of bed and finds a shirt in Lance's bag, which is still in the corner. He takes it back to bed with him and holds it, letting the scent soothe him into a fretful sleep.

Lance lay awake staring at the wall. Joey is breathing heavily in the other bed. Lance can't remember the last time they'd shared a room. He'd forgotten what a noisy sleeper Joey could be. But he put up with it because he couldn't go back to his room and face JC. Not with these images in his head. He kept going over it again and again. The award shows, the parties-- every place they went it seemed Bobbie was always there, always with JC's arm around her, always smiling at her. But not like a friend. Not like Lance did with Britney or his friends from home. Home. Suddenly he was very homesick. He missed being around his old friends. Sighing, he rolls over onto his back, and this movement causes Joey to stir.

"You STILL up?" Joey groans.

"Yeah. Sorry."

"What did you two fight about, anyway?"

"We didn't fight. Not exactly."

"Well, what happened?" Joey, resigned to the fact that he's not going to get any sleep, rolls over and props himself up on his elbow, facing Lance.

"Nothing," Lance replies, annoyed at the questions, but realizing also that it was he, Lance, who intruded on Joey. "It's just . . . Joey, what do you think of Bobbie? Never mind. Forget I said that."

"Whoa, Bobbie? You like Bobbie? Wow, all this time I thought you and JC were pretty tight. Talk about confusing."

"No, man, I'm not into Bobbie. Forget it."

"You trying to fix me up with Bobbie? 'Cause she is pretty hot."

Lance's head whips around. "You think she's hot? How hot?"

"Really hot. I mean, if JC wasn't with you I can definitely see them together." So there it was. Confirmation.

JC wakes up and stretches, reaching for Lance. It's then that the empty bed brings back to him, crashingly, what happened last night. He jumps up, throws on some shorts, grabs his key and practically runs down the hall to Joey's room. JC bangs on the door and waits. Joey opens the door rather blearily. "Joey, is he here?" JC demands, frantically.

"He doesn't want to see you, JC."

Lance sits on the bathroom floor, his back against the door, listening to Joey's muffled voice. He holds his head in his hands and tries in vain to press the tears back into his eyes. How could he be so stupid? How could he believe that JC would want an exclusive relationship? He wasn't even gay before Lance came on to him. Sure, he said he had feelings for Lance, but what if Lance hadn't said anything? Would JC be dating Bobbie right now? Everything was so confusing. Lance just wanted it all to go away.

"Joey, please" JC is not above begging when it comes to Lance. "I have to talk to him. Please."

Now Lance covers his ears. He can't listen to that voice, that pleading voice. Not now. He needs time to think. So he stands up, opens the door, and calls out, "Josh, just go away. Please. I can't talk about this right now. Just leave me alone."

Exasperated, Joey throws his hands in the air.

JC sighs and avoids Joey's look. "Fine. Tell him I'm gonna shower and stuff and then go to breakfast downstairs. If he doesn't want to see me, he can come back to the room then." He starts to walk away, and looks back. "And Joey? Tell him I love him. He won't believe it, but it's true."

Lance hears every word; he shuts his eyes, willing the words to vanish from the air. No, don't say that, Josh. Don't say something you don't really mean.

Lance does wait, and as JC promised the room is empty when Lance returns. He showers and dresses quickly, knowing they have a busy schedule today, and if he keeps busy it means he won't have to talk to JC. When he finally makes it downstairs, JC, Justin, Joey, and Chris are settled around a table, with an empty seat left for Lance next to Chris. JC and Joey look up as he arrives, but the others continue their conversation. Lance takes his seat, orders some food, and sits quietly, listening to the morning banter.

JC can see immediately that Lance hadn't slept well, if at all. It fills him with guilt, as well as the desire to take the younger man into his arms and rock him to sleep. His hands actually ache with the need to touch. And Lance won't even look at him. Not one glance.

Somehow, Lance made it through breakfast. It was more uncomfortable than he thought it would be. He couldn't look at JC, couldn't see that pained expression. It's not like Lance was the one who moaned someone else's name in the middle of sex. Right now, he'll just concentrate on getting through the rest of the day.

And that's what they do--get through it; they manage to sit far away from each other in the interviews they do, and the rest of the guys keep up the front of camaraderie. And they surround Lance at every break, as if to protect him from JC. Which hurts. JC knows he did something bad, but it's not like he really cheated on Lance, or killed someone.

When the day is finally over and they head back to the hotel, Bobbie's there. JC's so relieved to see a friendly face--a friend, moreover, who's enough outside their insular little group to have perspective--that he could almost cry. But he schools his face carefully not to seem TOO happy to see her.

When Lance spots Bobbie waiting in the hotel lobby for JC, he feels as though he's been shot through the heart with a flaming spear. He really almost does fall, but then Joey is there, telling him to be cool. So Lance nods and walks right past her, heading straight for his room. If JC wants to be with his girlfriend, he's more than welcome to. Lance decided that afternoon that he is not going to stand in their way. When he steps in the elevator, he turns to face JC and Bobbie; he lowers his eyes as the doors close.

JC tries to follow, but Bobbie puts a hand on his arm. "Let me go talk to him." She cringes inwardly when she sees Lance notice her hand on JC's arm. She's here to try to fix things, not make them worse. "What room?"

Not knowing which room Lance would have gone to, JC gives Bobbie both his own and Joey's room number.

"Go disappear for a while," Bobbie instructs. "Go buy him a present or something. I'll do my best."

Bobbie knocks on JC's door and gets no answer, so she heads to Joey's. She has no idea what she's gonna say, and she just hopes she finds the right words. Joey answers the door and lets Bobbie in, offering to make himself scarce. Lance still hasn't really talked to him, and he's feeling antsy.

Bobbie goes into the room quietly, and just looks at the figure sitting, slumped and defeated on the couch. It makes her want to go slug JC. She feels a big-sisterly affection for Lance, and she hates that she's any part, even indirectly, of his pain. "Lance," she finally says, quietly.

"Hey, Bobbie," Lance mumbles, studying the nail he's been chewing for the past ten minutes. He's trapped between the southern-gentlemanly urge to offer her a chair and the immature 20-year-old instinct to blow her off.

Bobbie sits, uninvited. "JC told me what happened, Lance. He's an idiot. But he's a contrite idiot. And there's nothing going on between us. Nothing."

Great. So now Bobbie knows about his humiliation. Lance had been sitting with his legs stretched out but now draws his knees up. "Bobbie, he called your name out. While we . . . while we were, you know. What am I supposed to think?"

"That he made a mistake? Look, I'm not saying you don't have every right to be mad, or upset. Hell, if it were me, vases would have flown. But, sweetie, you two have something special. You're the ones that keep me going when I think it's never going to happen for me."

"It will," Lance says softly. "Maybe sooner than you think. Why do you think JC called out your name? HE WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU. He was thinking about . . . making love to you. Not me. You. And you know what, Bobbie? I'm not gonna stop him. If you two want to be together, I won't stand in your way. I'm not gonna be the one to keep JC from what he really wants." The tears sting the corners of his eyes and he blinks them away, angrily. He is NOT going to let Bobbie see him cry. He knows it's not her fault, but he can't help feeling that somehow, she flirted with JC without even realizing it.

Bobbie moves to the couch, not touching Lance, although she wants to hug him. "Lance, I have never taken a guy away from a friend, and I'm not about to start with you. I honestly don't think JC was thinking about me--heaven knows I tried before you were in the picture and it just never clicked for us-- but if you think it's a problem, I'm gone. I won't come on tour with you guys. I won't be his date for the award shows. I'll go."

For the first time since Bobbie came in the room, Lance raises his eyes. "You would do that? You would really do that?" Somehow, Lance believes she's sincere. But then he lowers his head. "What difference would it make anyway--he'd still be thinking of you. He'd still want you. Not me."

"Sweetie, I've seen how he looks at you. If a guy ever looked at me like that, I'd be booking a church and ordering flower arrangements. I don't know what happened last night--some kind of crossed wires or something. But I do know I've never seen him look at me or anyone else since you've been together."

Lance fidgets with his hands, considering her words. He loves JC so much-- he's been trying so hard all day to push that thought down, but there it is. And now Bobbie is saying these things to him, chipping away at the barrier he's tried so hard to build. "I like you, Bobbie, I really do. You've been a good friend to all of us--we all trust you very much. But what you're saying now, I just . . . don't know what to believe." He laughs bitterly. " I always imagined myself in a serious relationship--I know I'm young, but I never liked the idea of dating a lot of people at once. But it was wrong for me to assume JC was the same way. He needs his freedom."

"JC and I talk a lot. I've known him for a long time, and I'm probably his best friend outside the group. And I have never heard him say he wants his freedom. Ever since you two got together, all he's talked about it how happy he is with you. I care about you, Lance, and if I thought JC was messing with you, best friend or not, I would not be in here trying to convince you to give him another chance."

"How can I?" Lance asks quietly. "It was humiliating, Bobbie. No offense to you, but it isn't exactly a turn-on hearing someone else's name while you're getting it on with your boyfriend. It was like you were in the bed with us. Shit, that's probably more than I should have said." A tear trickles down his cheek, and he swipes it away, hoping Bobbie hasn't noticed.

Bobbie pulls Lance into a hug. "I know, I know. And it's killing me that I'm part of your pain. I can't tell you why it happened. But I can tell you he's never thought of me as anything more than a friend." She tightens her arms around him. "You're exhausted. You should try to sleep."

Lance hugs Bobbie back. "I'm fine, really. I...Bobbie, please don't tell JC what I told you."

"I won't. But you're gonna have to talk to him eventually. I know you don't believe me, but he's just a mess over this. He loves you." He moves fretfully against her shoulder, and somehow Lance, inches taller and pounds heavier, pushes Bobbie from sisterly to maternal. "Now stretch out on the couch. I'll stay till you're asleep."

Sighing, Lance resigns himself to the fact that he's going to have to do as she says. He is exhausted, and he doesn't really want to be alone. So Lance lays back; he's glad Bobbie came to talk to him, but he wishes it was JC sitting there, stroking his hair back from his forehead, soothing him and lulling him to sleep. "Thanks, Bobbie," he whispers, closing his eyes and drifting off.

When Joey comes back, he's got JC in tow. Bobbie is still sitting up, Lance's head in her lap. He's sound asleep, and JC looks at him longingly. "Did he talk to you?" JC asks.

"Yes," Bobbie replies. "But I promised it would stay between us. I'm sorry, JC. I don't know what to tell you. You really hurt him, and I don't know how you're gonna fix it. Or even if."

It's the gentle stroking that rouses him. He'd slept deeply; now, he's trying to brush the cobwebs from his mind as he opens his eyes. He has no idea what time it is, only that Bobbie's here and he's laying in her lap. But wait, it's not her lap--he feels soft denim against his cheek and Bobbie had been wearing leather. He sits up suddenly and scurries to the far end of the couch. "What are you doing here?"

"Joey took Bobbie back to her hotel, so I stayed with you."

Lance ruffles his hair, trying to brush away the memory of JC's touch. He doesn't want to want him right now. He stands and walks to the window. "You didn't have to. I would have been fine alone."

"I know, but I wouldn't."

Lance runs a finger along the windowsill, wishing it was open so he could jump out. Suddenly, the air in the room feels close, and he silently curses at Bobbie for leaving him alone with JC. She knows I don't want to talk to him. "You're not alone. You have Bobbie."

"Bobbie's not you."

"Shouldn't it be the other way around? I'm not Bobbie. I'm not the one you really want. Maybe you just haven't been honest with yourself, JC, and that's why it came out when it did."

"Lance, that's not true. If it were, why would I be begging you to give me another chance? Why wouldn't I have taken Bobbie back to her hotel? Why wouldn't I be with her right now?"

Lance leans his head against the cool windowpane. "I don't know. But maybe you should have. Maybe she's the one you're meant to be with. Or maybe someone else. Maybe I've been cramping your style all this time. You know, before I came along you were dating other people. And you haven't dated anyone since we started seeing each other. At least as far as I know. But maybe this is your way of saying you need some space." Now he turns to face JC and shoves his hands in his pockets. "And maybe I should give it to you. Maybe I've been holding you back. I don't want to do that, Josh. I don't want to crowd you."

"I don't want anyone else, Lance. Just you. Just you. When I went out just now, I almost bought a ring. I thought maybe if I asked you to marry me, you'd believe me. But that's not how I want us to remember our engagement, so I didn't."

Lance's head snaps up. "M-marry? You want to marry me?" Lance doesn't know whether to jump for joy or slug JC. Is he only saying that because of what happened? If he hadn't said Bobbie's name would he even have thought of marriage?

"Yes. I was planning to ask you on our anniversary."

Lance sinks to the floor. "Josh, I--I don't know what to say. I mean, do you really think you would have asked me if this whole thing hadn't happened? If I hadn't gotten mad at you? But besides that, we both know how serious this is. Josh, we're still so young. I'm not even 21 yet. Even if this were a . . . normal . . . relationship, I don't know if we'd be talking marriage." He looks up at JC, still sitting on the couch. "You're serious, aren't you."

"Yeah. You can ask Joey if you don't believe me. I've been talking to him about it for a while. How I should ask you. When, where. And yeah, I know we're young, but I kind of figured on a long engagement. I want to make a commitment to you. A real one."

The door seems so far away. Normally, Lance is not at all claustrophobic-- hell, they spend more time in close quarters than most people, being on a tour bus so much of the time. But now the walls seem to close in on him and he feels as though he's been backed into a corner. It's not so much what JC is saying as that he caught Lance completely off guard. Sure, Lance has thought about marriage, but more in a fantasy, this would be the ideal situation type of way. With their lives being what they are now, Lance couldn't even contemplate it. That is, until now. Now, he's forced to think about it. To REALLY think about. "Josh, the timing . . . I mean, we have a new album coming out, and a tour to plan, and we'll be on the road so much-- do you really think either of us is ready for that?"

"Yes, I know all those things. And that's why I wasn't going to ask you just yet. And I'm not asking you, yet. I didn't tell you this to put you on the spot. It was just the only way I could think of to tell you, to show you how committed I am to us." JC sighs and tries to think of the right words to say. "I don't expect an answer now. I don't want one. We're not ready, not now. But I want you to know that's where I hope we're headed."

Marriage? With JC? Most states don't even recognize such a union. But in spite of that, Lance can't hide the shiver of excitement that makes him want to run over and hug his friend. He doesn't, though. He stays where he is and tries to keep his voice steady. "I want us to be exclusive, Josh. I really do." He stares at his hands, unable to look at JC's sad, hopeful eyes. "I love you, despite what happened last night." His voice cracks as he continues, "But that hurt so much. The thought of you loving someone else, it felt like you had just punched me right here." He brings a fist to his heart.

"I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am, Lance. I don't know why that happened, but I swear to you it was not about loving her or anyone else. I love only you."

Now Lance can't hold back the anger he's been feeling since last night. It wasn't right to take it out on Bobbie. "Then why did you call HER name while WE were making love?" He springs to his feet, needing to move. "You say you love me, but you brought her into our bed."

JC remains uncharacteristically still, sure now that nothing he can say will fix this, convinced he's ruined everything forever. Lance is never going to forgive him for his slip and the best he can hope for is to maybe take some of the pain out of Lance's eyes. "I don't know what to tell you, Lance. I swear to you I wasn't thinking about her. I was thinking 'baby' I thought I SAID 'baby' and THAT came out. I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to convince you I'm telling the truth. You can't prove a negative. You taught me that. So how do I prove I wasn't thinking about anyone but you?"

"It's not some kind of scientific phenomenon that can be proven, Josh." Lance sits on the edge of the bed, away from the couch where JC is sitting. Then he realizes the bed might not be such a good idea; he doesn't want to give JC the idea that that's what he wants right now. So he moves to the chair by the window. He's tired of feeling angry. Tired of this whole thing. He wishes it had never happened. Why did JC have to say what he did? But then Lance thinks about something his minister once said about forgiveness. About how we're all flawed and we all make mistakes and we all hurt our loved ones at some point in our lives whether or not we realize it. So, in a quiet voice, Lance says, "I know you're sorry. And . . . I forgive you." It was hard to say, but if they were ever going to get past this and work toward the goal JC threw out for them, then Lance HAD to say it. Had to hear himself say it. He'd made JC suffer enough. Maybe they'd never know what triggered that slip, but maybe it had to happen to bring them to this new level of understanding.

JC looks up, his eyes huge and round and filled with something too tentative to be called hope. "Y-you really mean that?"

Lance leans forward and rests his arms on his knees. "Yeah, Josh. I do. I don't want to fight, I don't want to be angry. I just want us to get back to where we were. As for where we go from there, I think we're just gonna have to take it slow. I want us both to be sure we're at the same place, you know?"

JC rises slowly and crosses to Lance, dropping to his knees in front of Lance's chair. "Yes. Whatever you want, whatever you need. I love you so much, Lance."

Still not ready for any physical contact, Lance remains sitting, but says, softly, "I love you too. But Josh, promise one thing: Promise you'll never lie to me. That if someone else comes along and you want to be with that person, then you'll tell me."

"That's not going to happen. But I promise."

"One more thing: I don't want you to think that you can't be friends with Bobbie anymore. I like Bobbie. I don't like that you said her name while we were making love, but I know that wasn't her fault and I don't want her to think she has to stay away because of that. I don't want to be the kind of boyfriend who tells you who you can and cannot be friends with."

JC looks up at Lance and there are tears in his eyes, now. "I don't deserve you," he whispers.

Lance can't bear to see JC looking so pained, but at the same time he's still not sure he can deal with all the emotion right now. He stares out the window, trying to figure out what to do. Finally, he places a tentative hand on JC's cheek, wiping the tears away with his thumb. "I-I think I need to get out of here for a little bit. I need to go for a walk. Alone. I just need to think for a little while, okay?" He rises, not waiting for an answer, and grabs one of Joey's hats. He doesn't want a bodyguard with him, and he doesn't want Joey or any of the others with him. He just wants some space. Before he leaves, though, he turns to face JC, "I'll be back. I promise."

JC just sits on the floor for a few minutes, staring at the door. When he finally gets up, he feels about 100 years old. He decides to go back to his own room, where he almost loses it when he discovers Lance's shirt, which he'd slept with last night, folded neatly on the made up bed. He picks up the shirt and sits on the bed, then lies down, as always during times of turmoil taking refuge in sleep, curling up around the soft fabric of Lance's shirt.

Lance manages to slip out through the lobby undetected. There are enough people bustling about that by keeping his head down no one notices him. It helps that he's alone: Two or three of them usually cause a stir, but each one by himself seems to be able to blend into the crowd. Most of the time. Maybe that's why the group works so well, Lance muses. Each one by himself is strong, but together they can take on the world. And they have. And that makes him think of JC again, as he walks the streets aimlessly-- alone they're just Lance Bass and Josh Chasez, but together they're the perfect couple. Well, almost perfect. Lance is not feeling so perfect right now. In fact, the farther away he walks the more he misses JC. So he decides right then to turn around and go back to the man he loves.

When he arrives back at the hotel, he runs into Lonnie, who shakes his head and wags his finger, and Lance gives him one of his best "little boy" smiles and promises not to do it again. Back to reality, he tells himself, as he slowly approaches the door to his room. He starts to knock, then realizes how silly he's being and slides the card into the lock.

The room is silent and dark. Lance switches on the desk lamp, knowing JC is probably asleep, and tiptoes over to the bed. Sure enough, JC is curled up on the bed and there's something in his arms. Probably another stuffed animal. Lance smiles, sits on the edge of the bed, and reaches for the object, then pulls his hand back when he realizes it's his shirt. JC is sleeping with his shirt.

JC, sleeping very lightly for him, stirs when he feels the bed move. He squints up at the seated figure. "Lance. Hey."

"Hey. What's this?" He gestures to the shirt. "Wouldn't one of these be a bit more cuddly?" Lance reaches down to the floor and snatches up one of the assorted stuffed animals given them by fans that day.

"They don't smell like you."

"They smell better than that sweaty shirt."

"Not to me."

"If I knew you weren't so clean I'd think you were on drugs. That's the shirt I rehearsed in yesterday." He pelts JC with a beanie fish.

JC fends off the fish. "How was your walk?"

"Lonely."

"Lance." JC's hand is shaking as he reaches for Lance's.

Lance takes the hand tenderly in his own. He brings it to his mouth and places a soft kiss on the skin.

JC closes his eyes as he feels the smooth lips on his hand. He holds onto that hand like a lifeline.

Lance gives it a gentle squeeze. "So, what do you say we grab some dinner-- just the two of us?"

"I'd like that." JC sits up. "And Lance? What do you say we don't come back here tonight? It's kind of a surprise. Okay?"

"What do you mean . . . where are we going?" He eyes JC suspiciously.

"Some place that's not a hotel, for a change. You'll love it. I promise."

Intrigued, Lance decides to trust JC. This time. "Okay, whatever you say. Does Johnny know about this?"

"Johnny? No. But I cleared it with Lonnie and Dre."

"So, you're saying we don't have babysitters tonight?"

"I guess that's what I'm saying."

"Wow, how'd you get them to let us go?"

"I begged, I pleaded. I promised to be careful. And I think I'm writing a song for Lonnie's girlfriend's birthday."

"I knew there was a catch. I just hope it's worth it."

"It will be."

If there's one thing JC can do, it's keep a secret. Lance knows JC will not tell him what's going on until it happens. So the only thing he can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. "Let's go. Oh, do I need to bring anything?"

"Nope. Fresh clothes for tomorrow if you want them, but that's about it. A toothbrush?"

Lance still eyes JC suspiciously as he throws a few things into a small bag. There are some habits he can't seem to break, and being prepared for any situation is one of them.

"Good." JC has packed a similarly small bag. "Ready?"

"Lead on."

JC leads the way out to the elevator. "So where do you want to have dinner?"

"Some place quiet, casual."

"Justin said there was a decent place across the street and up a couple of blocks . . . "

"Sounds good. I'm kind of hungry. And J? It's my treat."

"If you say so." They hit the street, tugging on baseball caps, and walk across the street to the restaurant.

Lance teases JC, along the way, pulling down his cap and playfully slugging him. To passers by, they look like any normal friends out having fun. And fun they have. At the restaurant, they're seated at a quiet table along the wall, and no one seems to notice. A few people glance their way, but no one bothers them. They chose a restaurant unlikely to be occupied by screaming teenagers, and if anyone did recognize them they politely left the boys to their meal.

Lance feels much more relaxed by the time the check comes, and after settling up and downing the last of the wine he'd been drinking, he asks, "So, are you gonna tell me where we're going?"

"You just hate surprises, don't you."

"I love surprises. I just like to know what they are."

"Okay, I'll tell you this much. A friend of my dad's has an amazing apartment and he's out of town and lending it to us for the night. And that's all you're getting out of me."

Lance puts a hand on his friend's arm. "We're gonna spend the night in someone else's apartment? We've got a perfectly good hotel room back there." He gestures in the opposite direction from which they're heading.

"Trust me. Wait till you see this place." JC hails a cab, they get in, and he gives the address.

The cab lets them off in front of a building that's not too tall, but it's on one of the highest hills in San Francisco so the view is outstanding. Lance takes a moment to check out the view. The night is clear and he can actually see stars in the sky. That's something he misses when he's in a big city; back home, he could lay out on his lawn at night and see thousands of stars.

"C'mon," JC urges, leading Lance to the door. He gives his name to the doorman, who lets them in and offers to assist with their small bags. They decline and get on the elevator, riding to the top story.

The apartment comprises most of the upper floor, with huge windows and sliding doors overlooking the city and the bay. JC leads Lance through one of the glass doors, and they step out onto a huge, beautifully planted terrace.

"Now do you see why I wanted to bring you here?"

Lance replies dreamily, stunned by what he sees, "Yeah, I think I do."

JC steps behind Lance, slipping his arms around the younger man's waist and leaning his chin on his shoulder. "Still want to go back to our 'perfectly good hotel room'?"

"Not a chance."

"I thought so. Stay right here. I'll be right back." JC gives Lance a tiny hug, then steps inside for a moment and flips a switch. Thousands of tiny lights, woven into the bushes and trees, come to life. He chooses some CDs, loads them into the player, and switches on the outdoor speakers. Then he rejoins Lance on the terrace.

Lance is speechless. He's never seen anything so beautiful in his life. It's like they're on another planet, and no one else exists but the two of them. Lance walks--no, floats--to the center of the garden and turns around slowly. "You did all this?"

"I wish I could take credit for it, but all I did was borrow the place. I knew you'd love it."

Lance looks directly into JC's eyes. "I do. I love it very much."

"I'm glad." JC extends his right hand. "Would you like to dance?"

Lance looks down at his feet, which are fidgeting with loose gravel. He doesn't even know why he's nervous. But somehow, until now, he'd felt like there was this wall between him and JC, and now it's been shattered and they're finding their way back to each other. He takes the hand, hoping JC doesn't notice the sweat in his own palm, knowing he would though. JC notices everything.

He's just as nervous as I am, JC realizes as he pulls Lance into his arms and they start swaying to the music. One night apart and JC feels like he's learning how Lance feels in his arms all over again. He feels like he can breathe again for the first time since Lance walked out of their room last night, and with the breath comes the ache of unused muscles pressed into action once more.

Lance keeps a few inches of space between their bodies, not yet ready for that kind of close contact, or maybe just afraid to get that close right now. He knows what will happen if they do. But the music is soothing and the night air warm and enticing, and JC just looks so damned good in this light. Lance knows it won't be long before his defenses crumble.

JC lets Lance call the shots. He wants nothing more than to gather Lance tightly to hit and squeeze him till he's breathless, but he's not going to do anything till he gets a sign from Lance. They move in slow, languid circles to the music and JC picks up the melody and begins to hum.

He can't help but smile. That voice always gets to him, no matter how mad or upset he is. All it takes is a few notes to send chills up Lance's arms--he wants so badly to hear that voice in his ear, vibrating through his body, so he pulls JC a little closer.

Another inch and they'll be pressed together. Lance is so close that JC can smell him, and he smells so much better than any shirt. He's practically shaking with the need to enfold Lance, to bury his face in Lance's hair, to taste Lance's skin.

Lance can feel JC's body penetrate every layer of clothing. His own cheeks are flushed with desire, but he reigns in the urge. For now. He doesn't want to make this too easy.

JC is still determined to allow Lance to set the pace, but it's getting harder-- er--more difficult by the minute. He's relieved when a faster song comes on and they naturally pull apart a bit to move more easily. He even manages a smile. "Would you like anything, Lance? A drink?"

Relieved that some of the tension has been cut, Lance answers, "Yeah, a drink would be great. Thanks."

"What do you feel like? David said he'd leave the fridge and the bar stocked for us."

"Anything. A hard lemonade if he's got it. Who is this guy, anyway, and how come he's letting us use his place?"

"He's an old college friend of my dad's," JC explains as he leads the way to the kitchen, all chrome and black marble. "Made tons of money in-- brokerage I think. I came up and stayed with him and his wife a couple of times when I was living in LA, and when I called to say we'd be here for a few days, he offered me the place even though they're like in Aspen or someplace."

"That's real nice of them. I mean, REAL nice." He looks around the apartment in amazement. Even though Lance is living quite comfortably himself, he's still not used to living in such splendor.

"Yeah, they're great. I really wanted you to meet them."

"Next time. Maybe we can come back and visit. When we have more time."

"That would be great." They return to the terrace with their drinks. "I'd really like to see the city with you. It's beautiful here." They lean on the terrace's railing, looking out at the moon reflected on the bay.

"Yeah, it is. I love the view. I love looking at the water." He tilts the bottle to his mouth and watches as the condensation drips down the sides. "Thank you."

"I-I'm just really glad to be able to share this with you. It's like my favorite view in the world."

Surprised, Lance looks over at JC's profile. "Really? I didn't know that. Wow. I didn't know that." He realizes now there are probably dozens of things he still doesn't know about JC.

"Yeah. Things were not, you know, going well for me in LA, and being able to come up here, it really helped me."

"How?"

"Just being away from all the crap. It was like being able to crawl home to Mom and Dad, without the humiliation."

"Wanting to go home is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes, you need to go home to figure out where you're going, you know?"

"I know. And coming to see David and Joanna and talk things through with them kind of made it easier for me when it did come time to go home and say 'Mom, Dad, I kind of failed, here'. I didn't have you to talk to back then."

Lance's brow furrows. "You didn't fail, Josh. Everything we did led us to where we are today. If you hadn't gone to LA, maybe your life would be completely different now. I'm glad you had David and Joanna to talk to, but don't ever feel like you failed at anything."

"Thanks, baby," JC says, then gulps when he hears the familiar pet name, then one that had caused all the problems, fall from his lips.

Lance can't help but smile, eyes focused on his drink. "Josh, it's okay. You don't have to be so careful."

"Yeah, I do."

"I already said I forgive you. If we're gonna move past this, we're both gonna have to relax." Unconsciously, he takes another sip. "I feel like there's still a lot of tension between us."

"I just--I just don't want to screw up again."

Sighing, Lance finishes the rest of his drink, puts the empty bottle on the ground, and turns to JC. He takes both JC's hands in his own as he says, "JC, we both screw up. It happens all the time in relationships. I'm not perfect, you're not perfect. It happens, and it will probably happen again." Before JC can speak, Lance continues. "Maybe not that exact thing--I HOPE not that exact thing--but something else. It's how we deal with our screw-ups that matters. That's what's gonna determine if we can make this thing last."

JC feels like a huge weight has been lifted from him--like he doesn't have to keep walking on eggshells. "You're right. You're right."

"So let's just both admit we're not perfect. C'mon, say it with me, I, Joshua Scott Chasez and James Lance Bass, am not perfect."

JC laughs. "Okay, I am SO not perfect. You on the other hand, are real close."

"Well, maybe a little." Lance shoves JC playfully.

"Hey, no shoving when we're like 100 feet off the ground!"

Lance peers over the railing. "Oooo, you're right." He takes JC by the arm and moves them both three feet away from the railing. Then he shoves him again.

"You are SO asking for trouble. And I take back that almost perfect thing."

"I like trouble. Bring it on."

"Don't say you didn't ask for it." JC lunges for Lance, catching him around the waist.

Lance is ready and grabs JC around his back, trying with his legs to bring him down.

JC grapples, but Lance has the advantage and JC feels himself losing his balance.

Lance feels JC's leg start to buckle and goes in for the kill. In seconds he has JC on the ground; they roll over and Lance lands on top. Panting, he pins JC's arms, laughing. "Say it, Chasez. I'm stronger than you, and I can whoop your ass."

"Okay, I admit it. My ass is yours."

The laughter dies down and Lance loosens his grip but doesn't yet let go. "Just don't ever forget that."

"Never. Never ever."

"Good, because I really don't want to have to whoop your ass. I'd much rather do this." And he dips his head and very lightly presses a kiss to JC's lips. JC feels like everything stops for that one moment. His heart, his breathing, the breeze blowing over them. Then he takes a breath and the world starts turning again and Lance is still in his arms.

Lance pulls back and is startled by the expression on JC's face. "Josh, are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It just feels really good to kiss you again. Really good."

"Yeah? How good? This good?" And Lance lowers himself once more for another kiss, this time moving his hands so he's now clasping JC's hands instead of his wrists. JC intertwines their fingers, lifting his head from the ground to meet Lance's mouth.

It's so familiar, so comforting, to be kissing JC again. And yet, somehow, it's like Lance is kissing him for the first time. He closes his mouth over those full, moist lips again and again, pulling back from time to time and leaning his forehead against JC's, just to look at him, to reassure himself that he's still there.

JC releases one of Lance's hands to reach up and cup his cheek. He closes his eyes against the tears that threaten when he thinks about how close he came to losing Lance.

Lance sits back, still straddling JC. "Are you sure you're okay? We don't have to do this you know. We can wait. Till we're both ready again."

"No, baby, that's not it. I'm just a little emotional, here. But I want to be with you."

"Okay, because I want to be with you too. But it's really nothing to cry about. This is a good thing, no?"

"Yeah, it is. I just love you so much, and it scares me to think that I almost lost you."

"Well, you didn't. I'm here. Now. And I'm not going anywhere. Okay?"

"Okay. So why don't you get back down here and kiss me."

"I thought you'd never ask." Lance lowers himself, this time not only pressing his lips to JC's but pressing his hips against his lover. In this semi-squat, he begins to rock against JC.

It takes about three nanoseconds for JC to forget about everything he was thinking and fall completely under the spell of Lance's hypnotic rhythm. He opens his lips, inviting Lance in, and runs his hands over Lance's thin sweater.

Tentatively at first, then more boldly, Lance slips his tongue into JC's mouth. He meant what he said about taking this slow, getting back to where they were and moving on. He just lets his tongue probe JC's mouth gently, not with the usual urgency of rushed sex they often indulge in when they're on the road and are pressed for time.

JC falls into Lance's languid, leisurely pace, as gentle as the breeze that blows around them, drawing a well-tuned trill from the wind chimes hanging among the bushes. Lance rolls off JC to lie on his side, never breaking their kiss as he brings a hand to JC's cheek, caressing it and holding it tenderly.

When Lance removes the warm, rocking presence of his hips, it's all JC can do not to cry out. But he manages, concentrating on the kiss that just seems to go on forever.

The hand caressing JC's cheek starts to slide down his jawline to his neck, where it lingers momentarily, absorbing the heat from JC's throat the way that Lance's tongue is absorbing the heat from JC's mouth. His fingers toy playfully with the buttons on JC's shirt, and one by one they slowly become undone.

JC sighs as he feels each button release. One hand is trapped under Lance, but the other slips up to bury itself in Lance's soft hair. They're still kissing, exploring one another's mouths as if newly discovered territory.

Lance pushes aside the soft cotton fabric, revealing the creamy smooth skin underneath. He pulls away long enough to gaze down at the moonlit chest as his mouth forms a slow, lazy smile.

JC loves when Lance smiles like that, complicated and full of promise. Lance's eyes glitter, catlike, with the reflection of all the tiny lights scattered around the terrace and JC could look at them forever.

Lance kisses JC once more before letting his hand glide over the beckoning chest. He tickles it lightly, just enjoying the feel of it beneath his palm. When he encounters one enticing nipple, he teases it to hardness before journeying on to the other.

JC smiles into their kiss, revelling in the feeling of those smooth, strong fingers against his chest. When Lance touches his nipples, he draws in a long breath, as if trying to draw Lance right into him.

Lance intensifies the kiss, but only slightly. He wants to draw this out as long as possible. The night air is crisp and warm, the moon lights up the terrace almost as much as the lights in the shrubbery, and there isn't anywhere on the planet Lance would rather be than right here, right now.

JC plays with the hem of Lance's sweater, then lifts it slightly, letting his fingers skim lightly over the skin at Lance's waist.

It's only been one night since they've been together, but Lance has missed JC's touch so much. So when he feels the gentle touch on his bare skin, he moans into the kiss.

It's that moan that really brings it home to JC that they're really here, they're really together, and he didn't destroy the best thing in his life with his stupid slip. The hand in Lance's hair tightens, and he pulls him more deeply into the kiss, probing deeply with his tongue, tasting lemons and Lance.

Suddenly, Lance pulls back. He can sense things are heating up, and the intensity of JC's kiss jars him. "Sorry," he says, breathless. "I just want to take things slow, okay? It's not like we haven't done this before--lord knows, we have--but I dunno. I just want it to be right. Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah, of course it does." JC smiles up at Lance. "I'll try to restrain myself. Of course, it would be easier if you weren't just so damned beautiful."

"Stop. You're not helping any, you know."

"What, I'm not even allowed to compliment you?"

"That was a come-on. You're just trying to butter me up."

"Okay, fine." JC drops his hands to his side and tries to appear serious. "I'm just gonna lie here. I won't say anything, I won't touch anything."

"I give you five minutes."

"You have that little faith in me?"

"I KNOW you, JC."

"So, if I last longer than five minutes, what do I get?"

"Hmmm, good question. You'll get a reward." Lance lowers his eyes and then looks directly at JC, his green eyes blazing. "But I know you're not gonna last."

"Try me." JC is already squirming under Lance's gaze.

"Nah. I think I'll just sit here a while." He runs his hands through his hair. "Actually, I think I'll stretch. You know, my muscles are all tight from laying on this HARD ground." He rises and turns around so his back is to JC, then lifts his hands in the air as far as they will go and bends over to touch his toes.

JC opens his mouth to protest, then shuts it. He can feel a stirring in his groin, which he does his best to ignore.

Lance remains bent over for a few more seconds, stretching from one foot to the other. He stands and twists at the waist, then stretches his arms over his head and leans over as far as he can, first to one side, then the other.

JC is pleased to see that he still has a clear view of the stars, in spite of the lights around him. He begins counting.

Lance looks over his shoulder to assess JC's condition. When he sees that JC is staring up at the sky, he says. "Yeah, it's a beautiful night tonight. We got lucky. In fact, it's kind of warm out." He starts fanning himself with his sweater, lifting it at the hem to reveal his flat stomach.

A small whimper escapes JC, although he tries to choke it back. He looks up pleadingly at Lance, then tries to peel his eyes away and focus on the big dipper or something.

"Whew, it's really warm up here. I should just . . . ," he lifts his sweater, revealing his chest. "Nah."

JC digs his fingernails into his palms so hard that he later discovers he's drawn blood. The need to touch and be touched consumes him completely, and he struggles to remain where he is.

"I'm sorry, am I bothering you? Maybe I should just go over there or something." Lance strides over to a small bench and reclines on his side, facing JC.

Well, he's still heartbreakingly beautiful, but at least he isn't FLAUNTING it. Much. JC dares to look over at the reclining figure and that's it for him. He can't tear his eyes away from The Look.

Lance stretches, catlike, arching his back and pressing his feet against the arm of the bench. "You know, it is really too warm to be wearing this right now," he says, sitting up with his knees bent. In one smooth motion, he raises his sweater and lifts it up and off, tossing it casually on the ground. He rests his head on his hand, elbow bent, and with the other hand lightly fingers his stomach.

JC swallows, hard. He tries to look away and can't. Lance can say that JC was just trying to butter him up, but the truth is that JC just finds him incredibly, irresistibly beautiful. One hand, stinging from the half-moons his nails have dug, moves a couple of inches across the ground and stops. He's not going to blow this.

Lance moves from the bench and crouches before JC. "You still want to lie there?" JC looks up mutely, imploringly. "Fine. Maybe I should just go put my shirt back on." He slowly stands, stretching out each movement as long as he can and slowly walks back to where he left his sweater.

"Are my five minutes up yet?"

Lance has his arms through the sleeves, and as he's pulling it over his head calls out, "Time's up."

"Then don't even think about putting that sweater back on." JC springs up from the ground and covers the space between him and Lance in three strides.

Lance smiles, mid-stretch. In one fluid motion, the sweater is once again tossed aside. Lance turns, head partially lowered, eyes turned up. "I guess you get your reward."

JC manages not to grab Lance, throw him to the ground and have his way with him. Instead he touches the smooth skin of Lance's shoulder and says, "And you didn't think I could do it. You were completely cruel, by the way."

"I had to get you back somehow."

"You did. You sure did. So, what's my reward?"

"This." Lance places his hands on JC's waist and kisses him softly; they are close but not touching, and Lance can feel the heat generated between the space of their bodies.

"Mmmmm," JC sighs when the kiss breaks. "Worth every second of that torture."

"It was that bad?"

"You know perfectly well how bad it was."

"I just wanted to insure that you will never think of anyone besides me when we're making love."

"There isn't ROOM for anyone else in my heart."

Lance places his palm on JC's chest. "But you have a big heart," he says, kissing JC once again.

"And it's yours."

"Good, because I don't want to share" This time, Lance slides his hands inside JC's shirt and around his back, pulling him close and pressing his lips tenderly to his friend's. It's a sweet kiss, filled with all the joy of reunion, the sense of what they could have lost and didn't. Lance pulls JC even closer, this time letting their bodies touch, skin on skin, twin hearts beating in time.

JC wraps his arms around Lance, just holding him close and savoring the closeness and the kiss for a long moment.

When their lips part, Lance looks down at their pressed bodies and brings his hands to JC's shirt, opening it wider and slowly lowering it over his shoulders and down his arms.

JC tries to convince himself that it's the slightly cool night air that sends a shiver through him, but he knows that's not true. When Lance is done removing JC's shirt, JC reaches out with both hands and slowly runs them up Lance's arms, from wrist to shoulder.

Lance is unable to meet JC's eyes just yet; he's concentrating on the fingers trailing up his arms and on the lean, beautiful chest in front of him.

JC lets his hands rest on Lance's shoulders for a moment, then brings them up to cup Lance's face, tilting it upward to meet JC's kiss.

Closing his eyes, Lance feels JC's lips close over his own, and this time he allows his tongue to slip out and into JC's warm, inviting mouth.

JC meets Lance's tongue with his own, drawing it further into his mouth. His hands slide up into Lance's hair, cradling his head gently.

Lance brings his hands back to JC's chest, this time smoothing his palms over the warm skin until they come into contact with his tight nipples, which Lance caresses gently.

JC lets his hands drift slowly--even more slowly than before--down Lance's back, pulling him imperceptibly closer with each inch he moves downward, till he reaches Lance's butt and clasps it, bringing their hips tightly together.

Lance gasps and moves his mouth so he and JC are cheek to cheek. He can feel the growing stiffness in his groin, but instead of pushing JC away he brings his mouth to JC's ear and whispers, "Make love to me, Josh. I want you so badly."

JC is surprised and grateful at this request. And a little nervous. Almost like their first time. He just wants everything to be perfect. "I can do that," he manages to say lightly. "C'mon." He leads Lance to a more secluded area of the garden, where a huge hammock swings between two trees.

Lance is pleasantly surprised at this little find in the middle of this unexpected slice of paradise. He smiles at JC then, a genuine, warm smile, the first he's felt in the past 24 hours.

Lance's smile warms JC straight through. He knows now that they're going to be all right, and his anxiety drains out of him, even as he holds the hammock steady for Lance then climbs in after him.

The hammock is padded with a thin, soft mattress, and Lance immediately relaxes as he stretches out onto it, reaching an arm out for JC to rest his head on. For a moment, he just gazes up at the stars and marvels at the emotional roller coaster they've been on in the past two days.

JC snuggles into Lance's arms, letting the smooth swinging of the hammock soothe him. He could sleep like this. Later.

Lance turns his head and looks over at JC. "Josh, I'm really sorry about the way I acted. Or overreacted. I know you didn't mean what you said, and I know it was a mistake. We'll never know why you said it, and it doesn't matter anyway. What matters is how I feel about you--I love you. I'll always love you, no matter what."

"I was afraid I was never going to hear you say those words again. I love you, too. Forever." JC seals his words with a tender kiss.

Lance turns on his side to meet JC's kiss. This kiss is full of all the love he feels at this very moment. He can't imagine loving JC more than he does right now, under the stars. He caresses JC's cheek and then his neck, and then brings his hand lower to JC's chest, fingering the small hairs and toying with his nipples.

Every movement causes a gentle swaying of the hammock. And every touch causes a similar rocking in JC's heart. He pours himself into the kiss, letting everything that he's feeling come through and communicate itself to Lance.

Lance's mouth slides to JC's cheek and over to his ear, which he tickles with his tongue. He pulls JC on top of him, opening his legs so that JC is laying between them.

JC slowly and sensuously rolls his hips against Lance's, smiling as he feels them both respond. He nuzzles his head into the crook between Lance's neck and shoulder, nibbling and licking lightly at the sensitive flesh.

The hammock rocks gently as Lance wraps his arms around JC, craning his neck to give him better access, his breath ragged as JC's tongue on his skin begins to excite him even more. He can feel JC's hardness through his pants, and he licks his lips in anticipation of what's to come. He brings his fingers to his mouth, wetting them and then sliding them down JC's chest to his nipple, which he circles, moistening it and pinching it gently.

JC nibbles his way up to Lance's ear, which he traces with the tip of his tongue before taking the lobe between his teeth and biting at it gently.

Lance whimpers; JC knows exactly which spots on Lance's body are most sensitive, and this is one of them. His back arches involuntarily, and this causes his crotch to grind against JC's, increasing the pressure already building up. He slides his hand lower, to the growing bulge in JC's pants, and he massages it in time with the gentle sway of the hammock

JC slides his mouth downward, seeking another of Lance's special spots, licking and kissing the prominent adams's apple. His hand plays over Lance's chest with a delicate, feather-light touch, never settling in one place for long.

Panting now, Lance squeezes JC's erection harder, and then flicks open the button of his pants so he can slide his hand inside. He touches the curls surrounding the hardened member, delighting in their softness, realizing now how much he missed this contact, even for such a short time. When he touches JC, he finds that his lover is already very hard, and Lance smiles up at the sky knowing that things will only get better from now on.

JC moans against Lance's throat when he feels Lance's hand on the aching hardness of his erection. He moves his hand more deliberately over Lance's chest now, pausing to tweak one nipple to a hard peak before dipping his head to replace his fingers with his mouth.

Lance moans and involuntarily squeezes JC's erection, but the squeeze soon turns into a caress as he tries his best to concentrate on rubbing the length of JC's shaft, not an easy feat when JC's mouth on his chest is driving him crazy.

JC lets his hand drift downward as he continues to lick and tease Lance's nipples. He can feel Lance squirm as JC's hand rubs almost roughly over his denim-covered erection. Lance's knees come up when he feels the hand between his legs. Hands rubbing, touching, mouths kissing--Lance squeezes his eyes shut, taking it all in. To think, he almost walked away from this. He clutches JC tightly then, afraid to let go. Afraid if he does, JC will somehow disappear.

"I'm not going anywhere, baby," JC murmurs, as if he can hear Lance's thoughts, this time not cringing at his own use of the familiar pet name. He lifts his head to capture Lance's lips again as his fingers deal with the button and zipper of Lance's jeans.

The tears sting Lance's eyes. He had been so afraid of this moment, but Josh's touches and kisses are so reassuring, so comforting.

JC tightens the arm wrapped around Lance and pulls him closer still. "Shhh, baby. It's all right. We're all right."

"I almost lost you." The realization hits him now, hard.

JC kisses the tears. "We almost lost each other. But we didn't. And we'll be stronger for it. I love you even more than I did yesterday."

Lance opens his mouth and engulfs JC's. When he pulls back, he whispers, "I'll never leave you, Josh." And with that, he wraps his hand around JC's erection and strokes it gently, soothingly.

"I'll never give you a reason," JC whispers back. He moves Lance's hand aside, and begins working Lance's pants down over his hips, setting the hammock swaying.

"I guess this means we have a rocky relationship," Lance says, giggling, relieved that he can smile again.

JC groans. "You know, if I weren't such a nice guy, I'd have to tickle you for that."

"Don't even think about it, Chasez. If I'm laughing, I won't be able to kiss you. Or do . . . other things."

"But I like kissing you when you're laughing." JC finishes removing Lance's pants, pausing to deal with his shoes, without tipping them out of the hammock.

Lance places a hand on JC's back, partly to steady him, partly just for the contact. "Oh yeah, that must be a real turn-on."

"It is. 'Cause I can feel you laughing here." JC presses his hand to Lance's stomach. "And I can feel you here." He kisses Lance's throat. "And I can feel you here." JC skims his lips over Lance's. "And not many things feel closer than really, really laughing together."

JC's words bring on another fit of giggles. Lance is laughing not so much because anything's funny but because he's so happy to be here, in this romantic setting with the one man he loves. "Then laugh for me, JC," he murmurs, as he presses his lips against his lover's.

The sound of Lance's low laughter is contagious, and they share a messy, giggly kiss. When they separate, JC smiles down at Lance, just happy to be here in this moment. The laughter dies down, and Lance gazes up at JC, still unable to believe that JC can love him so much. He touches JC's face, then his neck, then his chest, wanting to confirm that he's real. His hand lingers at JC's waist, and soon he tugs down the pants, rolling JC off him so that he can finish removing them. When he has the remainder of JC's clothing off, he stares in amazement. "Man, you're so beautiful."

JC is taken aback by the intensity of Lance's stare. "Um I, I love you too." JC slides himself on top of Lance, revelling in the sensation of skin on skin, and takes Lance's face in his hands, kissing him with both passion and tenderness.

It's happened before: They've made love under stressful circumstances and Lance has felt as though it was their first time all over again. But now, it really does feel like they're rediscovering each other. He touches JC's skin tenderly, memorizing every inch, learning every curve, every texture. His hands constantly travel back to JC's chest, loving the toned muscles under his fingertips and the small, teasable nipples.

JC presses himself harder against Lance, grinding their erections together. Then he pulls back. "Be right back," he whispers, brushing a kiss against Lance's cheek. He disappears into the apartment, slipping into the bathroom and locating some hand lotion. He moves quickly and soundlessly back to Lance's side, aided by the wind in the trees and the soft tinkle of the wind chimes. He watches Lance for a moment as he lies in the swaying hammock, his pale face beautifully edged in moonlight. JC puts out a hand to steady the hammock so he can climb back in.

Lance sits up and snakes his hands around JC's waist, supporting him as he returns to his side. During the short time JC was away, Lance lay there, a little bit scared, mostly excited about what they were about to do. He is still a little nervous about things "going back to the way they were" after what happened last night, but he really does want to trust that what they have is real . . . and permanent. So as JC climbs back into the hammock, Lance welcomes him, inviting him back with his hands and his lips.

"Mmmm. Miss me?" JC purrs between kisses. He slips his hand between their tightly pressed bodies to encircle Lance's hot stiffness, teasing it to even greater hardness.

"Yes. Yes. Yes. VERY much. Don't ever leave me like that again."

"That's gonna make it really hard to shop for your birthday."

"There's only one thing I want for my birthday."

"Yeah, baby?"

"I think you know," Lance growls seductively, thrusting into JC's hand.

"Yeah, I do," JC whispers, slipping his hand deeper to fondle Lance's balls.

Lance grips JC's shoulders, trying not to press too hard, afraid he's going to leave bruises. But he has to hold something, because if JC continues to touch him in this way Lance is going to explode. JC reaches for the bottle of lotion which has almost slid underneath Lance. He pours some on his hand and slips it between Lance's legs again, reaching deep until he finds the small opening.

Lance focuses his attention on JC's eyes as he spreads his legs wider, anticipating the delicious sensations that JC is always able to produce. He loosens his grips and instead holds JC's neck, feeling the tendons and the pulse as JC's heartbeat quickens.

He could look into Lance's eyes forever. They're not only beautiful, but they show so much, their complicated expression always fascinating. JC watches those eyes as he presses his fingers into Lance's tight opening, knowing from their expression how quickly to penetrate, how to move.

He closes his eyes and lets his hands wander to JC's face, smoothing his fingers over the soft skin, tracing the outlines of JC's eyes, his cheeks, his lips. Lance moans softly as JC's fingers thrust deep inside him. It had only been one night apart, but it feels to Lance like it's been much, much longer.

JC kisses Lance's fingers as they pass over his lips. He still watches Lance's face as he continues to stroke his fingers into his lover.

Lance moves his hips in rhythm with JC's fingers, causing the hammock to sway once again. He pulls JC's face down and kisses him, his tongue sliding over JC's lips and into his mouth, tasting all the sweetness and passion of his lover. JC senses that it's the right time and, withdrawing his fingers, he spreads lotion on his own throbbing erection. He carefully pushes into Lance, never breaking their kiss.

Lance thrusts his tongue deep inside JC's mouth as he feels JC fill him with his heat. He pulls his lover close, leaving almost no space between their bodies, needing the contact, needing to feel JC's heartbeat.

JC begins rocking his hips against Lance, thrusting in and out of him, keeping as much contact between them as possible. He slips his arms under Lance so he can hold him, crushing Lance to him with an almost desperate grip.

Lance whimpers and cradles JC's head against his shoulder, meeting each one of JC's thrusts with his hips, urging him in deeper, needing to be filled completely.

It's amazing how fast things can go from wonderful to perfect. Like in a second. One minute they're making love, amazing, perfect love. So entangled in each other that an observer wouldn't have been able to say where one ended and the other began. And then he said it. Thrusting deeply, listening to the symphony of little sounds his lover makes in response, JC lets his mouth drift to his lover's ear and whispers "I love you . . . "

Lance freezes, waiting for the inevitable, knowing that this was too good to be true and it will all crumble once again. He braces himself . . .

" . . . Lance. So much, always."

Part two

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