In the Mood
by Karen and LB
© 2002
Remember about a month and a half ago when Lance was less than effusive at Much Music and some other appearances?
Joey's not sure what was making this interview less fun than most. Well, than most except for the last week or so. It could be the screaming fans, the questions, Rick being . . . Rick. And Chris being . . . Chris-when-he's-around-Rick. It could be the fear of Ed the Sock! But none of those things ever bothered them in the past. As they watch the tape of clips of themselves with Rick, his eyes slide over the other guys' faces, and he realizes--it's Lance. Lance has been, well, pissy for days now. And the well-oiled *NSYNC machine doesn't work without all five of them. During the break, when they all get up and switch chairs, Joey quietly and with great sensitivity asks, "What crawled up your butt?"
Lance, taken by surprise at the confrontation, replies defensively, "What's your problem?"
"You. How can I be my usual happy-go-lucky charming self when my best friend is miserable?"
"I'm not miserable. I'm just . . . tired."
"Yeah, right." Joey thinks of several eloquent comments he could make about how long he's known Lance and how he's never seemed "tired" before, but they're coming back from commercial, and he has to smile for the camera instead.
_Great, Lance thinks. Look who I ended up next to. He keeps his eyes focused on Rick, on Chris--who can barely sit still, on anything besides the person sitting next to him, JC. He's not even sure why it makes him want to jump out of the chair and sit somewhere else. But he sneaks a sideways glance anyway, when he's sure the camera isn't on him.
JC glances over, wondering why Lance, usually the most self- contained of them all, is so fidgety. And he's BEEN jittery for days, JC realizes. JC smiles encouragingly before turning to answer Rick's next question.
More breaks--they're inside, they're outside--and then the inevitable dating question. Why does this always come up? You really want to know? You REALLY want to know? I HAVEN'T DONE IT IN, LIKE, A YEAR! ARE YOU HAPPY? ARE YOU ALL HAPPY? When the show finally wraps, Lance is so annoyed that he barely acknowledges the screaming fans. And it's not until Chris nudges him and tells him to the throw the shirt that he realizes he's been holding onto the FuMan Skeeto shirt all this time.
As they climb into the SUV for the trip back to the hotel, Joey throws himself into the seat next to Lance. "Want to talk about it?" he asks quietly.
"Talk about what? Geez, what's with you, man?"
"Talk about why you're so pissy," Justin yells from the front seat.
"I am not pissy!"
"Uh, yeah, you are," Joey says.
"We all noticed you've been down," JC adds.
"You shouldn't let Ed the Sock! get to you," Chris practically screams.
Lance throws his head back on the seat and lets out an exasperated cry.
"You know what you need, bro: You need to get laid," Justin states flatly.
"I . . . do . . . not . . . need . . . to . . . get . . . laid."
"When was the last time you did it? With another person?" Justin starts to laugh.
Lance reaches forward and smacks Justin on the back of the head.
"Hey! No need to get violent. See? You DO need to get laid."
Lance puts his head in his hands. It's bad enough he's being singled out, but his leg is pressed against JC and he doesn't know why that bothers him.
"Guys," JC puts in. "How about we give Lance a break. He'll talk when he's ready. Right?" he asks, turning to Lance.
Peeking sideways through his hands and surprised by JC's words, Lance eyes his bandmate suspiciously. JC IS the sensitive one in the group, so Lance knows he's sincere. He lifts his head and stares out the window instead, desperate for the conversation to turn.
"You know what we should do?" Joey chimes in. "We should go party tonight. Meet some girls."
"Whatever."
JC glances over at Lance, wondering what's really bothering his friend. It's true--they have all noticed a change in Lance. He just hasn't seemed happy in a while.
When they arrive back at the hotel, Lance is the first one out and manages to bypass the crowd of fans, letting Lonnie clear a path into the lobby. He heads straight for his room, figuring he'll make some calls, take a shower, do anything to take his mind off . . .
Joey is bopping around asking everyone what they want to do tonight, but he looks after his younger friend wondering whether to follow him and beat the truth out of him. Lance chews his nails, deep in thought, as he waits for the elevator with Lonnie. Glancing over his shoulder, he feels a small pang of guilt that he didn't stay behind to sign autographs, but he sees that Justin is holding up the slack. Finally, the elevator doors open and he steps inside, but just as they're about to close a hand reaches in and pushes doors open again.
JC steps into the elevator and lets the doors close. As the car begins to move JC leans easily against the wall, regarding his bandmate.
Lance can feel the eyes on him, feeling them boring into him like a power drill. JC has that ability. Sometimes, it's like JC can see right into people's souls . . . Lance pushes that thought away and stares up at the numbers. It feels like the longest elevator ride he's ever taken, so when the car finally stops Lance exhales heavily. "Later," he mumbles, stepping off.
"Um, Lance?" JC calls as he, too, exits the elevator. "Um, if you DO need to talk, I'm here, dude."
Without turning around, Lance throws his arms up. "Why does everyone think I have something to talk about?"
"Because you've been walking around with a scowl on your face? Because you never smile anymore? Because we're closer than brothers and we know when one of us is hurting?"
Lance sags against the wall. Everything JC is saying is true; he just didn't think he'd be called on it. He should have known better. These ARE his brothers. "Have I been that bad?"
"It's not that, Lance. I'm--we're just worried. We care about you. That's all. No pressure, but if you need to talk. I'll listen. Heck, we all would."
"Great, just what I need--an audience. A group meeting to discuss how I need to get laid."
"I didn't mean all at once," JC says with a small smile. "And I didn't know that was, um, the problem."
"It's not a problem." Lance can feel his face getting hot and wonders what they're doing standing in the hallway.
"I didn't mean it like that. I meant . . . look, you want to come in?" JC gestures with his key card toward his door.
Lance starts to move toward his own door, but changes his mind. "Yeah, sure, why not?"
JC opens his door and lets Lance in. He gestures toward a chair. "I have, like, sodas and stuff. You want anything?"
"Um, sure." It's strange--he's been in JC's hotel room a million times before. He's been in all the guys' rooms and vice versa. So why does he feel so jittery right now? When he sits, his leg immediately starts bouncing. "Don't you have to call Bobbie or something?"
"Nothing that can't wait," JC replies as he hands Lance a Coke. He sits and looks at Lance. "Look--before--I didn't mean. I mean, it's only a problem because you're obviously bothered by it. If you don't want to talk, I'm not going to bug you. I just want you to know that if you need to, I'll listen."
JC is so open with his emotions. How does he do it? Lance scratches his head and looks around the room. Same as his room, except . . . it has JC in it. "Thanks. I do appreciate it. I just don't know what everyone's so worried about."
"Uh huh. And you wouldn't worry if one of us stopped smiling and stopped talking and just withdrew."
"I'm not withdrawing. I'm . . . I don't know." JC just sits with an open, receptive expression, not speaking, not pushing. "Okay, so I haven't gotten laid in a really long time."
"So? You've never been into the casual sex thing."
"But it's not normal. Not for a guy my age."
"There's no normal, Lance. You just gotta do what's right for you."
"So what should I do? Pick up some fan and bring her back here?"
"If that's what you really want. But nothing that I know about you makes me think that would make you happy."
"It wouldn't. I could never do that."
"I know." JC says quietly, waiting for Lance to go on. "I just can't seem to find anyone I'm interested in. You're lucky. You have Bobbie."
"Trust me. She's no bargain."
"No way. Bobbie? She's so nice."
"When she gets her way. But hey, we were talking about you."
Great. So his little deflection tactic didn't work. So much for strategy. "We were? Oh, yeah. Me. JC, if I tell you something, do you think we could keep it between ourselves? Not tell the other guys? At least for now? I hate keeping secrets, but I just don't think I want the world to know about this."
"Of course, Lance. You can tell me anything."
Lance takes a sip of soda and weighs his words carefully. He hasn't spoken to _anyone about this, and he has no idea why he suddenly feels like spilling it now. But something about JC--his easy manner, his friendly eyes--makes it so easy to open up. So Lance decides to dive right in. JC obviously knows something's wrong, so maybe talking about it WILL help. JC has never laughed at him before, not about something serious. With a soft voice, Lance confesses. "You know how I haven't dated anyone in a long time--let alone slept with anyone? I think the reason is . . . I'm not really interested in girls anymore."
JC knows his reaction now will set the tone in their friendship for months to come, if not forever. So he makes his voice very gentle as he says. "I know that must have been hard for you to say. And I know it must have been even harder to carry around with you without anyone to talk to. I'm really glad you trusted me enough to tell me."
A wave of relief washes over Lance. He felt an almost physical pain keeping it all in. And he's once again stunned at JC's emotional generosity. "It was. I haven't even told my mom. She knows something's bothering me, but she hasn't pushed me. I don't know how she'll react. But . . . thanks. For not laughing. I know this must freak you out, even just a little."
"Not even a little. You're the same Lance you were five minutes ago."
"Maybe on the outside. Not on the inside."
"You're still the same. I just know one more thing about you."
"Yeah, my 'deep dark secret.' I guess I'll have to be extra nice to you from now on."
"Yeah, you know my car could use detailing. And I hate doing laundry. Dude, I made you a promise. I'll keep it."
"I owe you one. It sucks having to keep secrets from your friends."
"I'll bet. Especially when we're on top of each other all the time."
Lance drops his head at the implication. "Yeah, that. I mean, I share a BUS with Joey and he doesn't know. At least I don't think he knows."
"No, I don't think he does. You know Joey. He means well, but he can't keep a secret to save his life."
Lance rolls his eyes. "Too true. I'm just afraid if this gets out they won't want to be around me. They'll freak out every time I touch them."
"I like to think we're a little more enlightened than that."
"People get strange about this kind of thing. It's fine when you know someone's straight, but when you find out they're gay--" Lance stops, realizing this is the first time he's said The Word.
"This isn't people. This is US."
"We're only human. I wouldn't blame them."
JC wonders why Lance is thinking like this. In this business, they've been around their share of gay people, and he's never seen any of them behave any differently. Unless . . . "Lance, is it really the guys you're worried about? Or your family?"
"Both. My mom's gonna freak, and I don't even want to think about my dad. I mean, I'm his only son."
"Yeah. And he's proud of you. You're a good person, Lance. Being gay doesn't change that."
"It changes a lot of things, though. Every time we do an awards show I'm going to have to find a 'date'. Every time someone asks about my dating status, I'm gonna have to lie. You, Joey, Justin-- you guys don't ever have to lie."
"Oh, please. How many times have we had to say 'I'm too busy to date'? How long did Justin deny he was seeing Britney? We tell lies every day."
"This is s a big one. When Justin finally told people he was dating Britney they made a big deal about it. Think how it would be if people found out one of us is . . . "
"I'm not gonna tell you it wouldn't cause a big fuss. It would. But we'll deal with it when it happens. If it happens."
"There's only so long you can keep something like this secret. I'm gonna have to tell my parents. And the guys. Shit."
"You'll do it when you're ready. But you got through one of the hardest parts--telling someone for the first time."
Lance's head shoots up and he looks directly at JC. "Hey, you're the first person I told. How 'bout that?" He laughs. "You're so easy to talk to--too bad you're straight."
JC grins. "We all have our faults."
"Yeah." Lance's smile is genuine for the first time in days. Maybe weeks. It's been a while since he was able to fully relax, and he's grateful to JC for that. He rises, placing his soda can on the side table. "I better go change."
"You going out?"
"Well, yeah--I mean, I thought we'd all grab some dinner and maybe a movie and hit the clubs or something."
"I was thinking of staying in and writing. But you must know all the really good spots now . . . "
"Some. C'mon, it'll be fun. You can write on the bus."
"I can sleep on the bus. But yeah, I could use a night out."
"You need more nights out, less sleep. Meet you back here in fifteen minutes?"
"Yeah, sounds good." JC puts a hand on the younger man's shoulder, squeezing lightly. "You okay?"
The touch is gentle, but it still sends a thrill through Lance. It's not like JC's never touched him before, but now it's . . . different. It's better. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just gonna . . . ," and he gestures in the direction of his room, not wanting to stay alone with his bandmate any longer than necessary. He's now afraid of what he'll say, what he'll do. With his hand on the door handle, he turns around one last time. "Thanks. For listening."
"That's what friends are for, right?"
"Right." Lance hurries out the door and down the hall, and when he gets to his room he flops face up onto the bed. What are you doing, Bass? Before he can answer himself, he heads for the shower and turns on the water full blast. In the bathroom mirror, he stares at his reflection. He didn't see anything different, but he just KNEW that he was. Under the warm spray, he closes his eyes, but his mind keeps drifting back to one thing. It wasn't just the secret that had been irritating him all week. It was JC. You have a crush on him, he finally admits to himself, and his body responds.
When he emerges from the shower, clean and spent, he's ready to face the evening.
When they all gather to go out, JC is pleased to see that Lance looks more relaxed than he has in days. He knows he did the right thing in getting Lance to talk and sincerely hope things work out for his friend.
"Looks like Mr. Crabby isn't so crabby anymore," Joey remarks over burgers at a local theme restaurant, The Armadillo. "I still think you need to get some."
"You think EVERYONE needs to get some," groans Lance.
"Everyone should. Sex makes the world go 'round."
"I thought that was money," Justin chimes in.
"So young, so naive," Joey muses, his arm around his younger friend.
Lance smiles down at his burger. He's glad they're all back to their usual teasing, but he can't help stealing glances at JC, who looks especially good tonight. It's not that he's dressed differently, but he has that fresh-out-of-the-shower smell and his hair is blown out just right, and that shirt looks really good on him . . . and Lance takes another bite of his burger to combat any further thought.
As usual, they end up in a club. And as usual, JC barely takes a break from the dance floor. When he finally does, he finds the couch that the guys have staked claim to in the VIP room and practically throws himself down on it, jostling Lance. He's a little sweaty, a little drunk, and very happy.
"You guys want anything?" Chris asks, pushing himself up from the comfy cushions.
"Yeah, get me a rum and coke," Lance replies. With JC so close, he needs something to take the edge off.
"You see GQ?" Joey asks.
"Yeah, he's working on another movie. Em was here for a while too."
"Okay, enough movie star talk," Justin chimes in, disliking conversations he doesn't figure in. "Who's up for hitting the floor again?"
Joey jumps up. "I'm game."
"I'm gonna hang here for a while," states Lance, sleepily.
Joey shakes his head. "One minute you're cranky, the next you're falling asleep on us. You okay, dude?"
"Yeah. I'm goooooood." It's the truth. The rum and cokes were kicking in nicely.
Joey grins at JC and takes off for the dance floor. JC looks over at his drowsy bandmate. "Long day, huh?"
"Loooong day. But a good one."
"Yeah? Even having to watch the Rick and Chris show? Even me nagging to you spill?"
Lance laughs, but those words sober Lance up some, and he sits up. "Yeah. That too. I'm glad you did. It feels good."
"Good. I'm glad."
Lance raises his glass. "Thanks, man."
"Any time, dude."
"Don't you want to dance?"
"I've been dancing. Right now I just want to drink my drink."
"Do you miss her?"
"Huh?"
"Bobbie. Your girlfriend. Remember her?"
"Oh. Yeah. She's only been gone like a day, and we had a screaming fight before she left. What do you think?"
"I think you should call her. What'd you fight about?"
"How miserable her life is, getting dragged around to four-star hotels. Something like that."
"Maybe you need to spend more time with her. Okay, that was stupid."
"Yeah, because I love being called a prick in front of a million 14- year-olds."
"She didn't."
"She SO did."
"Where?"
"The hotel lobby."
"No way!"
"Way. In Chicago. In front of my parents."
"What did you do?"
"What could I do in front of all those people? But later on I told her we were through and to get her butt on the first plane out."
"WHAT? You broke up with Bobbie?"
"Yeah. Don't tell me you're surprised. You didn't like her. None of you liked her. I have a hard time remembering why I liked her."
"She was okay. Just a little pushy. I can't believe you broke up. You've been going out for so long. Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Surprisingly so. I guess maybe because it's been coming for a while."
"I'm sorry. It's hard enough meeting someone you connect with, let alone keeping them."
"Yeah, well. Better to be alone than to stay with someone for the wrong reasons."
"Especially with our lives. Are you really okay? I can't believe you didn't say anything today."
"Yeah, I'm really okay, but thanks."
"You know what we should do? We should drink ourselves silly and wake up with a big ol' hangover tomorrow."
"You really ARE good at this planning stuff, aren't you?"
Lance taps his head. "Always thinking."
"Our bandmates are going to hate us." JC says, gesturing to a passing waiter for more drinks.
"Oh, I don't think we have to worry about that. I think we're all gonna have a little Tylenol cocktail for breakfast."
"Again with the planning," JC says with a grin. "What happened to my innocent, pure little Lance?"
"Who?"
"Never mind." JC swallows about half of his fresh drink.
Lance giggles, lightheaded. "Well, I might as well be pure with the amount of nooky I've had lately."
"Hey, I'm in the same boat now that Bobbie's history."
"Man, I can't believe it. But hey, you'll find someone before you know it. Chicks dig you."
The quickly swallowed drink is having its effects on JC. " 'Chicks dig me'? Who are you, Shaft?"
"That would be Joey. C'mon, did you see those signs last night? 'JC marry me!' Ooo!"
"Yeah, cause that's how I'm gonna meet someone. By reading lame signs. Okay, the next person I see with my name painted on their face, is IT. Cause that's what really turns me on."
"I knew it! See, there IS marriage in your future." Lance stops and looks sadly at his drink.
"I'll make sure the girl with my name painted on her face has a cute brother for you, okay?"
Lance makes a half-hearted attempt at a smile, but it wasn't until he said what he said that the truth about his situation hit him. "You're a good friend, JC."
"You make it easy to be one, Lance."
"Here's to us," Lance announces, raising his glass again. "Oops, empty. I think we need another drink." He starts to rise and then stumbles, falling back onto the couch and half-landing in JC's lap. "Or maybe I've had enough. Sorry."
"Hey," JC says, putting an arm around Lance to steady him. "For someone who was going to drink himself silly, you're such a lightweight."
"Am not. Those drinks are strong." Looking around at the crowd, Lance realizes how this must appear. He climbs awkwardly off JC's lap and falls back against the couch. "I think it's time to leave."
"Yeah, that's probably a good idea. But I'm glad you got me to come out tonight. And I want you to remind me I said that when we step out into the sunlight for the sound check thing tomorrow."
"I'll loan you my sunglasses. Hey, you don't have to leave. There's still plenty of babes to hit on."
"And have a truly meaningful relationship with before we leave in, what, six hours?"
"It works for Joey."
"I'm not Joey."
"That's a good thing. One of him is enough."
"Speaking of Joey, I wonder where he disappeared to? And everyone else."
"They're out there somewhere." Lance pushes himself off the couch again, this time on steadier feet. "I'm sure you'll find them if you go out there."
JC gets up as well, draining the last of his drink. "Nah, Lonnie'll tell them we went back to the hotel."
Lance shrugs, and lets JC lead them through the throngs to the back door and around the corner, where they find a taxi. The night air feels good against his face, and he starts singing one of the songs they heard earlier in the club.
JC smiles over at his younger friend. It's good to see Lance relaxed again, if not happy. JC hadn't missed the wistfulness in Lance's tone earlier. For the first time he really thinks about just how much harder it will be for Lance to meet someone, to have a relationship. Even if he does tell the rest of the guys and his family, he's still going to have to hide from the rest of the world. And that makes JC very sad for Lance.
Still singing when the cab pulls up in front of the hotel, Lance pays the driver and steps out onto the curb. He can't wait to fall into bed and sleep for 20 hours. Well, more like five. He'll sleep on the plane to Cleveland. As they wait for the elevator, Lance begins to sing again, to break the silence of the lobby and take his mind off how good JC looks, slightly rumpled, red-faced from the alcohol, bleary eyed.
JC leans bonelessly against the wall, humming a harmony line to what Lance is singing. When the elevator arrives, he pushes away from the wall and follows Lance onto the car. They continue singing on the ride to their floor, and even when the doors open and they step out, they never miss a beat. By the time they reach JC's door, Lance is grinning and dancing.
"Wow! We should be in a BAND."
"No one would hire us!"
"Sure they would. We could be the next, the next, Milli Vanilli. Okay, bad example."
"Really bad. Then they really would call us Lip Sync."
"Yeah. But I'm too buzzed to think of anything else." This strikes Lance as especially funny, and he doubles over, giggling helplessly, and crashes against JC, finding himself face to face with his bandmate.
JC places steadying hands on Lance's shoulders. "Um, maybe we should, um, not be in the hallway."
"Maybe I should let you get to bed."
"Maybe . . . " JC licks his lips unconsciously.
Lance still doesn't pull away but remains inches from JC's face. He can feel the hot breath on his face and the almost tangible electricity coming from JC's body. "Um, I should go."
"Yeah," JC says, but he doesn't let go of Lance's shoulders. What the heck is going on with me? he wonders. Am I THAT drunk? Do I just miss, well, not Bobbie, but SOMEONE? Cause Lance is looking pretty darned good to me right now.
The hands on his shoulders, the lips so close--it's too much. Lance pushes away quickly, running a hand through his short, spiky hair and mumbles quickly, "I better go. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Um, yeah. Yeah. See you tomorrow." JC stumbles to his door, shaking his head as if the action could clear it.
As Lance undresses in his room, he wonders whether telling JC his secret was such a good thing after all. It's already changed things between them, and if he thought he had a crush on his bandmate before, he's 100 percent sure now.
JC tries to pick through his confused thoughts. So, my best friend tells me he's gay and all of a sudden, I'm up for a little experimenting? But he knows that's not it. He would never do that to Lance. We've just always been playfully physical with each other, and Lance's confession just put a new spin on it, JC tells himself. Opened up new possibilities. Whoa! Where did that come from? JC gets up and moves to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He meets his own eyes in the mirror and sees confusion there. "I may never drink again," he mutters darkly. At least Lance doesn't have to worry that I'll be afraid to touch him is JC's last fleeting thought as he drifts off to sleep.
Lance lays awake for a while. Was telling JC a good idea or not? Now they share a bond that Lance doesn't share with the other guys. Lance has opened up in a way he never has before. And JC was completely receptive. Maybe things will change, but maybe that's not such a bad thing. He sighs as sleep finally overtakes him, wishing only that one thing could be different: That JC could feel about him the way Lance is beginning to feel about JC. But he'll never let him know that.
When the wake-up call comes, JC greets the day even more graciously than usual. A hot shower and about 3,000,000 Tylenol later he's feeling better physically, but his mind is still scrambled. What's he gonna say to Lance when he sees him? He knows this is important--if he handles it wrong, Lance is going to regret ever having trusted him.
Lance decides to treat last night like any other night out, so when he joins the others in the lobby for the trip back to Cincinnati he acts like nothing's wrong. Except when he sees JC, puffy eyes and all. He can't help but smile but pushes all other thoughts to the back of his mind.
"Hey," JC says, collapsing onto the couch next to Lance. "How's your head?"
"Still attached. Barely. Remind me never to have another rum and coke. At least until tonight. How's yours?"
"I wish had stock in whoever makes Tylenol. And I'm gonna kill the guy who suggested that we drink that much. Oh, wait. That was you."
Lance holds his hands up in front of his face. "Uh oh, I'm in trouble."
"I guess I can let you off this once." JC grabs Lance's wrists and lowers his hands. His voice drops. "Listen, about last night, I think I was kind of out of line."
Lance shifts nervously, his leg bouncing. "No, you weren't. It's cool. You didn't do anything." Even though I wanted you to.
"You sure? Cause the last thing I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable. Or make you regret confiding in me."
Looking around to make sure no one is listening, Lance replies, "I don't. You don't. And you don't have to worry about me."
"So we're cool? We don't have to skulk around avoiding each other? Or use words like skulk?"
"I don't know--skulking could be fun. In public." Lance smiles down at his lap, then looks up again. "No, we don't have to avoid each other. I mean, I have no reason to avoid you, but I'd understand if you don't want to, like, sit next to me on the plane or something."
"See, that's just it. We usually sit next to each other on planes. I like sitting with you. You're the only one who doesn't, like, fidget or expect me to talk when I want to sleep. Why would that change?"
Lance shrugs and lowers his voice. "Because you're afraid I'm gonna hit on you?"
"You never did before. And that's not your style anyway."
"I didn't realize I was gay before. What is my style?"
"You don't hit on people. You watch them until you're sure they're interested. THEN you approach them."
"I do? Huh. I guess I never really thought about it. Of course, I can't even do that much now."
JC gets up as he sees Lonnie signal that the cars to take them to the airport have arrived. "I know. That's gonna be really frustrating for you. But I hope you find someone. No one deserves to be happy more than you do."
Lance watches JC as he follows his friend out to the car. Sure, I finally find the perfect guy and he's straight. He shakes his head; maybe he will find someone someday, but he'll never be JC.
*****
The next few days pass without incident--the usual routine of concerts, appearances, and travel. JC spends as much of his down time as possible with Lance, telling himself that he wants to show Lance that nothing has changed. But something has--JC finds himself thinking about Lance at odd times, finds himself looking forward to the time they spend together much more than he ever did before. One afternoon he asks Lance, "How did you know you were gay? I mean, how were you sure? I mean, you liked girls before, so what made you certain?"
Lance almost drops the game console he's holding. "Wow, what made you ask that?" He regains his composure and continues. "I don't know. Just lately, I knew that I wasn't interested in girls. I'd look at a girl and think she was pretty but she wouldn't do it for me. Not like when I was younger. But sometimes, when I'd see a guy-- you know what I mean?"
_Only too well. "But you WERE interested in girls before?"
"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I dated Danielle for nine months. That's the longest time I ever had a girlfriend. But she was the last one."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be asking you all this stuff. I'm just trying to understand, you know?"
"It's okay. I don't mind. It's only natural to be curious."
_About a lot of things. "Well, I appreciate you being honest with me." Is that all it is? JC wonders. Curiosity?
"Can I ask why you're asking all of a sudden?"
"Just trying to understand, I guess."
"Well, how do you know you like girls?"
"I--I guess I never thought about it. You know how it is. You're a horny kid, girls are there . . . "
"JC! You, horny?"
"You didn't know me at 16."
"I wish I did."
"You do?"
"I mean that you must have been fun to hang out with back then."
JC laughs. "Oh, yeah. Mouse Club Geek."
"Horny Mouse Club Geek. Okay, who'd you dig back then?"
"Oh, there were always girls around. You know."
"Oh yeah, we had girls following us all over in Showstoppers." Lance laughs, returning his attention to his video game.
JC lets the conversation die, but he thinks a lot about what they discussed as they finish their game.
"Hey, you want to go shopping?" Lance asks, feeling the urge to get out for a while.
"Yeah, sure. I'm tired of getting my butt kicked anyway."
"Age'll do that to you."
"You are just ASKING to be tickled."
"Whoa, JC. You might pull something."
"You SO asked for it." JC lunges at Lance, pinning him down and tickling his midsection. "Not bad for an old guy, eh?"
Lance squirms under JC's weight, laughing and trying his best to fend off the attack. Suddenly, he rolls them over and before he can stop himself, kisses JC, hard, on the lips.
JC freezes, completely stunned.
Lance leaps up and backs away. "Oh my gosh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, oh my gosh." He runs out of the room as fast as his legs will allow.
"Lance," JC calls, jumping up and tearing after Lance.
Lance runs to his room, knowing that if he tries to leave the hotel he'll have to take one of the bodyguards with him, and he doesn't need that right now. Of course, if he goes to his room JC will probably come looking for him, so he shuts the door and prays that doesn't happen.
JC gets to Lance's door in time to hear it close. He knocks quietly, not wanting to draw attention. "Lance, come on . . . ," he says quietly.
"Go away."
"No. I have to talk to you. Please let me in."
Lance cringes on the bed, torn between wanting to open the door and cower in a corner. But he knows how persistent JC can be, so after a moment, what feels like hours, he trots over to the door and opens it a crack. "Look, I'm sorry about that--I don't know why I did it but it won't ever happen again. I'm really sorry."
"I'm not."
Lance's eyes grow wide and his breath catches in his throat. He must not have heard right. "Y-you're not?"
"No. PLEASE let me in?" There's a moment of hesitation, then Lance bows his head and opens the door wide.
"Thanks." JC walks into the room and Lance closes the door behind him. JC turns to face Lance. "Lance, I . . . I've been wondering what it would be like to kiss you for a while now. I just, um, didn't do anything about it because I didn't know how you'd feel about it."
Lance backs up toward the bed, feeling behind him, needing to sit down because his knees are giving way. "Y-you wanted to kiss ME? But JC, you're not . . . gay."
"Maybe I am, or bi or something. All I know is that I've been feeling this . . . attraction."
"JC, you just broke up with Bobbie. It's probably a reaction to all of that. You've never been attracted to boys before." Lance simply cannot believe JC would be attracted to him. Or won't let himself believe that.
"I know, I know. All I know is that I have these feelings for you."
Lance's heart skips. That's the way he's been feeling for a long time. He never allowed himself to hope that JC could possibly feel one tenth the way he's been feeling about JC, so he chooses his words carefully, keeping his eyes focused on his hands. "JC, I have to be honest: I've had a crush on you for a while now. That's one of the reasons I was so on edge. And we've been spending a lot of time together, so maybe this is just . . . I don't know, a reaction. I didn't plan on kissing you. But I did and I, um, liked it."
JC grins. "Me too. Enough that I'd like to try it again."
Unsure of how to take this and stunned over JC's revelation, Lance hesitates, his heart pounding wildly. So much has happened in the past few weeks-- personally, professionally--he doesn't know what to think. For him, he has come to know and accept the truth about himself, once he brought it out in the open. But for JC-- he's probably just curious. "JC, are you, like, sure? Because I can understand your being curious. I was. But you don't have to prove anything."
"I think . . . I think if I was just curious what it would be like to kiss a guy, or something, that one kiss wouldn't have left me wanting more. I . . . I don't completely understand this either. But I know how I felt when you kissed me."
Almost afraid to ask, Lance stares at his knees. "How did you feel?"
"Like I wanted to keep doing it. Like it was the natural next step. Like it was where all our conversations, our friendship, our closeness SHOULD go."
That's the last thing Lance expected. When he came to accept that he was gay and that he had a crush on JC, he never expected it to be reciprocated. And he's still not convinced that JC is sure of his feelings. But for now, maybe they should just go with it. Try it out. "You know, I've had a crush on you for a while now. I'm not even sure when it started, but I know that I've wanted to kiss you for so long."
JC finally leaves the spot he's been rooted to all this time, walking over to sit next to Lance. When he looks up at Lance, his eyes are very blue and very clear. "Then you should kiss me."
Confronted with such a suggestion, Lance is suddenly terrified. He feels a lump in his throat and that tingly feeling you get right before you kiss someone you really, really like. It's not like he's never kissed anyone before, but this is his first real kiss with a guy, with a guy he LIKES. A lot. So he closes his eyes and breaths in and closes the gap between himself and JC and very softly, very slowly, presses his lips to JC's.
It's pretty chaste, as kisses go, but JC feels like he's been touched by a live wire. It's a benevolent jolt, though, one that sings through his nerve endings with pleasure, not pain.
It's an automatic reaction when Lance kisses someone--his hand moves up to JC's face even as his lips continue to close over those ripe, enticing lips. He doesn't want to stop, and the kiss continues for a few more seconds, until finally he pulls away. "Wow. Um, I . . . wow."
JC's whole face turns up in a smile, not his professional smile, but a genuine smile that lights his eyes. "Yeah. Wow."
Lance's hand remains on JC's cheek, and he pulls it away as though it's touching a hot stove. "That was . . . really nice."
"REALLY nice," JC agrees, softly. "So, do you think we could maybe try this? Really slow, I promise."
"Try . . . this? You mean like . . . whoa."
"Oh, it'd be like, WHOA, all right." JC turns hopeful eyes on Lance. "Seriously, Lance. Could we, you know, date?"
"This is crazy, JC! We're bandmates! We're friends! And you're not . . . I mean, I don't know if you're . . . gay."
"I know that I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time."
"What about Bobbie?"
"Bobbie and me . . . I don't know why we even stayed together as long as we did. Habit maybe. It was easy. But we hadn't been happy for a while."
"This could be really complicated."
"It could be really great, too."
"It could be REALLY great. Are you sure you want to do this?"
"I...yes. Yes. I have a feeling I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I don't."
"The rest of your life? That's a lot of pressure, you know."
"Sorry, I didn't mean it to be. I just don't want to, you know, get old and look back and think 'I could have had something special, but I chickened out,' you know?"
"It's kind of hard to think that far in the future right now."
"Not for me. I kinda, I always use that as my measurement, you know? When I'm thinking about doing something, or not, I think about how I would feel about it looking back over my life."
Lance nods and considers those words carefully. It's an interesting way of looking at life. He's been so lucky these past few years that he never stopped to think much about the future. "I think I do. And I think I'd like to give this a try. It's crazy--probably the craziest thing I've ever done, but I don't want to look back and regret it either."
JC grins, the hopeful look in his eyes replaced by a flash of pure happiness. "So, if we're dating, can I take you out to dinner?"
"You're asking me out on a date?"
"Yes," JC says with a coaxing smile. "Isn't that how these things are supposed to go?"
How can Lance resist? "You're paying?"
"Well, yeah. I asked didn't I?" JC smiles wickedly. "You like McDonalds, don't you?"
"Oh, wow, you DO know me!"
"See? We're perfect for each other."
Lance puts a hand on JC's shoulder and gives him a consolatory look. "Almost. First we have to do something about these clothes."
"I'll go change."
"C'mon. I said I wanted to go shopping --I'll buy you something. Then you can buy me dinner."
"Sounds like a good deal to me." JC rises and holds out a hand to Lance. It only takes a second, but Lance reaches for the hand and realizes this is the first time they're holding hands in a more than just friendly way. He hopes it won't be the last.