Take One: Hideous
by Karen and LB
© 2002
We wrote these right after the MTV 100 Greatest Pop Songs first aired. Two takes on the aftermath. I though I had a better picture kicking around, but I couldn't find it. This should be enough to remind us of the hideousness that was JC's sweater, and the staring contests that JC and Lance seemed to be having throughout.
"I can't believe you let JC out in public in that sweater, man!"
"I know, Joe. But he thinks it looks great. What could I do?"
"Tell him!"
"Don't you think I tried? I hid the darned thing, but he found it."
"Well, you didn't hide it very well. Didn't the VMAs teach you anything?"
"I tried, Joe. I really did. It's like he has a bad taste homing instinct. He can find stuff no matter how well I hide it."
"How do you stand it, dude? You ought to put those alarm thingies in his shirts so every time he leaves the house with one of them you'll know."
"Joe, he's just so PROUD of himself when he discovers these things. And he SO wants me to like them."
"Do you think you're helping him by lying to him? By making him think he actually looks good in that stuff?"
"I don't lie to him. I've tried to tell him. He just won't listen."
"Well, maybe you need to try a new tactic. Or maybe you need to try something else. Or someone else."
"Are you suggesting I should break up with JC because he has bad taste in sweaters? Cause that's SO not funny, Joey."
"It's not meant to be funny. It's true, dude. It's embarrassing the way he dresses. Do you really want to be seen in public with him looking like that? You deserve better. I mean, you weren't a fashion queen yourself, pardon the expression, when you joined the group either. But look at you now."
"Fine, so I learned to dress. But Joey, you know what an amazing person JC is. He's talented, he's smart, he's sweet. He loves me. And you want me to dump him over a questionable sweater? Especially when you're wearing THAT t-shirt?"
"At least it's a t-shirt, and ya gotta admit: It's funny. It's intentionally funny. JC's not even trying. And if he really loved you, he wouldn't be trying to embarrass you."
"He's not trying to. Why are you trying to start trouble?"
"I'm not trying to start anything. I just want what's best for you. And right now, I don't think JC is it."
"Well, I do. Just stop it. I can't LISTEN to this."
"You don't have to listen, but you know what I'm saying is true. I know."
"No, you don't, Joey. You don't know a THING about us."
"No, maybe I don't. But Lance, I know YOU. You're the one I'm concerned about."
"You don't know me if you think it would be a good thing to split up me and JC. We love each other. Do you know how rare that is to find, Joey? Do you?"
"Yeah, Lance. I do. That's why I don't want to see you get hurt. I really care about you, Scoop."
"Then why are you trying to break us apart? Over CLOTHES."
"I'm not trying to break you up, dude. I think JC's doing a pretty good job of that. And it's not just about clothes, Scoop. Think about it."
"You got something to say, Joe, say it."
"Lance, I just don't want to see him humiliate you. You might think he's not, but he is. You know I love JC like he's my own brother, but Lance, I . . . never mind."
"What, Joey? I'm getting sick of this--you dropping these little barbs and backing off. If you've got something to tell me, tell me. Otherwise, leave me alone."
"Lance, I care about you. I mean, I REALLY care about you. Do you know what I'm trying to say?"
"No."
"Lance, dude, sometimes you are SO blond. I like you. I LIKE you."
"So? Doesn't that make all this altruistic 'I'm telling you this for your own good' crap just a tad self serving?"
"Maybe it is. Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I'm sick of seeing you with him when you should be with me."
"Joey, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to break up with JC over a sweater just so you can have your shot at me."
"It's not just the sweater, Lance! Arrrrrrrr! I saw the way he looked at you during the show. Whatever you two were fighting about, it's not the first time and you know it."
"So we had a fight. Everyone does. And we always come out of it stronger. Look, Joey, you're my friend, and I want to keep it that way. But you’re seriously weirding me out, here."
"Fine. Be that way. For now. But someday, Scoop, you'll see what you're missing. And I'll be here. Waiting."
"Joey, you sound like a stalker."
"I'm not stalking anyone, dude. You want to waste your time with JC, that's fine with me. I've got all the time in the world."
"I don't WANT you waitin' for me, dude. And let me tell you; if you do, you're gonna have a LONG wait."
"Long, being the key word."
"Till hell freezes over being the key phrase."
"I dunno, it's starting to feel pretty cold right now."
"I'm sorry, Joey. That was mean of me. I may not like what you're saying, but that's no excuse to be nasty."
"S'allright, dude. No hard feelings. Oops, there I go again with the innuendos."
"Innuendos I can handle."
"Good. Because I can't stop myself. But I'll respect your wishes because I respect you."
"That's better."