Dress Me Up
by Karen and LB
© 2002
This is a little piece o' fluff inspired by our deep and abiding conviction that the hummingbird sweater that JC wore on Rosie was borrowed from Mama Bass. The attached picture of their Grammy rehearsal (Thanks, Tania!) is what actually got us writing.
"But sweetheart, he always asks SO nicely."
"Mom, I know he does, but you've GOTTA start saying no. He's embarrassing the rest of us. I saw him peeking at your nightgowns the other day. It's getting worse."
"But my colors look good on him."
"Mom, he's a winter. You're a summer."
"A winter? Lance, have I taught you NOTHING?"
"Okay, maybe not a winter, but this is getting out of hand. The sweater was one thing. But the dress? It's not normal, I tell you."
"But it makes him so happy."
"What about my happiness, mom? I'M your son, not JC. Don't you see how much this embarrasses me?"
"I WAS thinking of your happiness. You wanted us to get along so badly. We bonded over my wardrobe."
"Couldn't you bond over cooking or something?"
"This is Josh we're talking about. I like my kitchen without flames pouring out of it, thank you."
"He's not that bad . . . Okay, he's that bad. But Mom, what am I gonna do? Next thing you know, he'll be borrowing your makeup."
"Um . . . "
"MOM!"
"He was tired. He needed some concealer. Then I couldn't resist doing something with those cheekbones."
"Mom! If I wanted to date a girl I would."
"Lance! How would Josh feel if he could hear you?"
"He should hear me. In fact, I'm gonna go talk to him right now and put a stop to this."
"Now, Lance. You be nice to him. And don't blame this all on me or he'll think I don't like him."
"I know it's not your fault. And I'll be nice to him. He loves you, mom, he really does. But I have to tell him or it'll only get worse."
"Just be gentle."
"I will. And mom--I love you."
"Love you too, sweetie."
"JOSH!"
"In here!"
"Josh darlin', we gotta talk."
"What's up, Lance?"
"Sit down."
A frown creases JC's brow. "What's wrong?"
"Um, it's nothing big. You know I love you, don't you? 'Cause I do. So much. But Josh, I have to tell you something, and you may not like it. It's about your clothes."
"Is this about my VMA coat again?"
"No, it's not about the coat. Well, not really. You know how I feel about that. It's about . . . Josh, you've gotta stop wearing my mom's clothes."
"But, Lance, I only borrow her stuff occasionally."
"It's one time too many. Do you know how I feel when I see you in my MOM'S clothes?"
"Why don't you tell me."
"Think about it, Josh. You expect me to kiss you when you're wearing my mom's DRESS?"
"It was only once."
"Then there was the sweater."
"I was cold!"
"I would have given you my jacket."
"But you looked so hot in that jacket."
"So would you. Better than that sweater."
"Besides, YOU would have been cold if I'd taken your jacket."
"I had a shirt on underneath."
"So did I. I was still cold. This . . . this is because your mom doesn't like me, isn't it. I knew it."
"What? Where is that coming from? My mom loves you, you know that."
"I, um. Oh, I just worry sometimes."
"You have nothing to worry about. She loves you. Almost as much as I do. Well, no one loves you as much as I do."
"Just not my clothes."
"No. Not all of them, though. Just when you wear my mom's stuff."
"I bonded with your mom over those clothes."
"I'm glad you're bonding, but now that you have, could you stop wearing them? Please?"
"Even if I get cold and she's the only one with a sweater to lend me?"
"Josh, if you ever get cold I'll warm you up."
"Well, if it really bothers you that much."
"It does. And I appreciate you being so good about this."
"We're going to have to go shopping. You're practically cutting my wardrobe in half."
"HALF? How many more of my mom's things do you have? You're not . . . no, I can't even think about it." But he does think about it and to put to rest his fears he reaches over and pulls JC's pants a few inches from his waist and peers inside. "Whew."
"Okay, maybe half is an exaggeration. But we're still going shopping."
"My treat. Whatever you want."
"_Whatever_ I want?"
"Well, with my approval."
"What if I want to do you in the fitting room?"
"You can try me on anywhere, Josh."
"So what are we waiting for? Where's my purse?"
"JOSH!"
"Kidding!"