Forever Young: Discovery
by Karen and LB
© 2002
Number 5 in the series.
Lance can't wait to get back to Orlando. It's not like he hates being home-- he's loved spending the past couple of days with his friends in Mississippi, but there was one thing missing: JC. He misses JC. He misses him more than he expected he would. So while his mother gets dinner ready, Lance decides to give JC a call. As the phone rings, he pictures what his friend is doing, what he's wearing . . . or not wearing. He's startled out of his reverie when the phone stops ringing and a female voice answers.
"Hello?" It's Lynn Harliss.
"Hi, Mrs.--Lynn. This is Lance. Can I speak to JC, please?" He still cannot get used to calling someone's mother by her first name. But Lynn insisted.
"Lance, how are you?"
"I'm fine. I miss everyone."
"Well, I'll get JC for you. We'll see you tomorrow, right?"
"Yes, ma'am. Mom's coming back with me."
"Good. I'll see you then. Hang on."
Lance waits anxiously to hear JC's voice.
JC picks up the extension and calls, "Thanks, Lynn." When he hears her hang up, he says softly into the phone, "Hey, Lance."
"Hey, Josh. How are you?"
"Horrible. I miss you so bad."
"I miss you too. A lot."
Diane is looking in the refrigerator when she realizes they are almost out of soda, so she decides to call Jim; he can pick some up on his way home. She picks up the phone, unaware that it's already in use.
" . . . can't wait to get my arms around you. Do you know how much I love you?"
As she hears these words, Diane's heart stops. For a moment she doesn't even believe she heard right. It sounds like JC, but it can't possibly be him saying those words. Then she hears her own son. "I love you too, Josh." And she drops the phone.
"What was that? Are you okay, babe?"
Confused, Lance holds the phone out, listening. "Um, yeah. Josh, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later." He hangs up the phone and stares at it, not quite sure he heard correctly. He walks slowly to the stairs and heads to the kitchen. His mother stands by the wall still holding the phone. "Mom?"
She looks up at him, ashen. Then down at the receiver in her hands, which she slowly, awkwardly hangs up, missing the hook a couple of times. When she finds her voice, she doesn't even know what's going to come out. "Lance, you know I've always tried to give you kids privacy. And I would never deliberately listen in on a conversation, but, Lance . . . ?"
Lance's feet are frozen where he's standing. He knows what she's going to say. He knows she heard everything. And he also knows he can't lie to her. "I-I was going to tell you."
"Tell me what, son?"
He stares at his feet and starts to fidget. "Um, what did you hear?" Now he's not so sure--what if she really didn't hear anything? What if he's opening up this can of worms for nothing?
Diane goes to the kitchen table and sits, lifting her glass of iced tea. "Sit down, Lance." She waits until he timidly drops into a chair. "You're very young, and I think maybe this whole show business thing has, well, maybe brought you into contact with the wrong people. Bad influences."
"Mom, I don't understand. Those guys are my friends now. We haven't done anything wrong. You know I don't do drugs or anything."
"There's nothing wrong with what I just heard on the phone?"
"W-what did you hear?"
"I heard that BOY saying he loves you, and you saying you loved him."
Lance feels his face getting hot, and he fights the lump in his throat. "I don't know what to tell you, Mom. Please don't be mad at me. I don't know how this happened. But it's not JC's fault."
"Not his fault? He must have confused you somehow. That's what they do, you know."
"What? Mom, what are you talking about? Who's THEY? Wait, you're not saying what I think you're saying." The tears start coming now, no matter how hard he fights to keep them away. "Mom . . . I'M one of them. I'M gay." It was the first time he said it, the first time he admitted it, the first time he gave a name to all that he'd been feeling. "And Josh didn't DO this to me. It's what I am."
"But sweetheart, when did this happen? You always liked girls."
Lance sniffles as he replies, "I don't know. I just know that I like Josh. I really like him. I mean, I love him."
Diane cringes, then takes a deep breath, reminding herself that it's practically the 21st century. She's utterly confused, yo-yoing between her love for her son and her anger--at the situation, really, but which she focuses on JC. "But, honey, you're so young. It can't really be love. No matter what he's convinced you of, what he's done." She shudders at the thought, the anger kicking in again. "We could have him up on statutory rape charges, you know."
Lance shoots up from the chair as though he'd just been struck. His mother might as well have hit him, because the pain he's feeling now is worse than anything he's ever experienced. He's never fought with his mother, not like this. They've always gotten along so great and were always very close. But now, he feels like she doesn't know him at all. "RAPE? Mom, JC NEVER . . . we haven't even . . . I can't believe you would think that about me. I might be young, but I know what I'm doing. And I know I LOVE Josh. I LOVE him, Mom. I LOVE HIM."
Diane gets up herself, cautiously approaching her frantic son. Standing close to him but not yet touching, she says, "I'm sorry. I guess I overreacted. I guess I'm kind of in shock. Maybe this is why you didn't plan on me finding out this way." She lays a hand on his arm. "Please, come sit down and talk to me some more. Tell me how all this happened."
His head down, Lance warms to the touch. He wants so badly for his mother to hold him the way she used to, when he'd fall and scrape his leg, or when he lost a ball game. He needs that comfort now, but he realizes she may not be ready for that yet. So he falls back in the chair and stares at his hands. "I don't know. I just know that I've been trying so hard to fit in and I finally feel like I do. I feel like I'm really connecting with the guys. And . . . with Josh. We went out one night and it just sort of happened. I can't really explain it. I didn't plan it. I just know that he makes me feel things I never felt before. He makes me happy. He's so nice, Mom. He makes me laugh and he listens to me. And I know you'll like him too, if you just give him a chance." He didn't plan on saying so much, but it all came tumbling out of his mouth.
"You know perfectly well that I already like him. And I was--AM very pleased how he's taken you under his wing. I've seen how much easier things have been for you lately. I just didn't realize . . . "
"What? That I'm gay? It's okay, Mom, you can say it. Lightening won't strike you."
"Give me time, son. You know this goes against everything I was ever taught. The church would be telling me to disown you right now. I can't do that, but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with this, either." Diane sighs. "When you're a parent, you have dreams for your children. It's not easy to just let those dreams go."
Disown me? Lance is too numb to even process that thought. He always thought his parents believed in tolerance, and they've always at least acted that way toward others. But now he's one of THEM. He's different. "W-what dreams? Mom, this doesn't change anything. I'm still your son. I'm in this group. And we're gonna make it. You'll see."
"I know that. I'm talking about dreams like you meeting a lovely girl and settling down and giving me grandchildren. It's hard to let go of that." Diane sighs again, more deeply this time. "But one thing that you said was true: You're still my son. The church may disagree, but nothing's going to change that."
Lance still can't look at her. What she's saying is true. But it still hurts. "I don't know what my future will be . . . as far as that's concerned. I only know that right now I found someone I really care about, and he means so much to me. I don't want to hurt you. I love you more than anything. But Mom, someday you're gonna have to let me make decisions for myself. And this is one of them. I'll never stop believing what the church teaches. You know how important our faith is to me. But maybe the church isn't always right about everything."
"Maybe not. But it's hard to ignore a lifetime of training. I'm trying, Lance, I really am."
"Mom, do you . . . do you still love me?"
"How can you even ask that? Of course I do." Diane reaches over to hug her son. "Go on now. I have to get supper ready. And I have a feeling there's someone you need to call back." Diane gets up and goes to the refrigerator. "And Lance? Two things: I don't think we should tell your father about this just yet. And know that I AM going to have a chat with JC when we get back to Orlando."
Head low, Lance nods. It was inevitable. He just didn't think it would come out this way. But as he heads up the stairs to his room, he also realizes that his mother will come around. She just needs time. He tells himself. Now, he's more concerned about his father.
Diane busies herself with cooking. It's always been this way for her. Purists will tell you that you have to dedicate yourself to prayer completely, but she's always felt she's prayed best while doing something practical. And she's always felt that cooking is an act of love, so the two go together for her. They've brought their children up to be tolerant and free of prejudice. Now it's her turn to practice what she preaches. She prays for the strength to handle this right, to find a way to accept her son without condoning something she still believes is wrong. She prays for guidance. But above all, she prays for her son to be happy.
Lance debates whether or not he should call JC. His mother seemed to hint, by her telling him to, that she's willing to at least keep an open mind.After the near disaster that just happened, he's almost afraid to risk it. Still, he wants to hear JC's voice so badly. He pushes the number before he can back out and flops down on his bed. "Josh, it's Lance. We have a problem."
JC looks at the phone as if it could give him a clue to Lance's state. "Babe, you sound horrible. What's wrong?"
"Um, Josh, my mom knows about us. She heard us on the phone. What am I gonna do?"
"Okay, first of all, I love you. Second, you'll be back tomorrow and we'll get through this together, you got that? And I'm sorry it happened like this." JC finally pauses for breath. "Now, how is she taking it?"
Lance sighs. "Not good. Not good at all. She's disappointed in me. For the first time in my life, she's disappointed. I've never done anything to disappoint her. Never. And now . . . she's gonna want to talk to you, you know."
"If she wants to talk to me, I'll talk to her. But I know your mom. I'm sure she's surprised and all, but she loves you."
"I don't know." Lance clutches a pillow against his chest with one hand, wishing it were JC. "I know, that's crazy--of course she loves me. And maybe once she sees us, she'll see how much we care about each other. But she doesn't want to tell my dad. Not yet. Josh, I'm scared. I wasn't scared to join the group, and I'm not scared to get up on stage and sing, but this terrifies me."
"You are strong and you can handle this. And as of tomorrow, I will be with you. I know this isn't how we planned this to happen, but we were going to tell them, eventually."
Lance knows JC is right--they WERE going to tell them. Eventually. Just not now. Not in the next month, maybe not even in the next year. He wishes he could turn back the clock one hour. He should have used his cell phone. But he didn't. Maybe on some level he wanted to get caught so he wouldn't have to tell his mother. "I wish you were here."
Lance's lost tone goes straight to JC's heart. "I wish I were, too. But you will be here in LESS THAN A DAY. You just have to get through a few hours, then we'll be together. Okay?"
"Josh . . . I, um, I love you." Lance hangs up the phone sadly. Not long after, his father comes home and they have a quiet dinner together. His mother's concern shows in her face, but Lance tries his best to act as though nothing is wrong. Later, he spends some time with his friends; he still hasn't told them and in light of his mother's reaction he decides to wait.
The night passes with Lance tossing and turning, and by the time their plane takes off, Lance's leg is bouncing uncontrollably as he plays out every scenario in his head. Finally, Lance and his mother arrive in Orlando and head to the small but comfortable house they've rented. And in an hour they have to be at Lynn's house.
As they pull into Lynn's driveway. Diane looks over at Lance, remembering the first time they did this. To her surprise, Lance looks just as terrified as he did that long ago day. He's staring sightlessly out the window, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they've arrived. "Sweetie?" she asks, putting a motherly hand on his arm. "Are you okay?"
Lance starts, as if aware of his surroundings for the first time. "Um, yeah. I'm fine. A-are you okay?" He dreads this; he dreads what she's going to say to JC, how she's going to act. But then he remembers one very important thing: This is his mother. The person who loves him no matter what. And now, that love is being put to the test.
"I'm fine, son," she says softly, intentionally putting light emphasis on the last word. "Ready?"
Lance nods but doesn't speak. Lynn greets them warmly, ushering them to the backyard patio where the other boys are already splashing around in the pool. Lance sees Josh at the far end and shoots him a look.
Diane looks directly at JC, so she sees his face when he sees Lance. She watches it open, blossom, radiate love, before falling into a concerned expression. How had she missed this? How could ANYONE miss this? It's at this moment that she understands what Lance tried to tell her--that there's real affection here, love even, not just--what she's been taught to think of as perversion. "Lance, hon, why don't you go put on your swimsuit and join your friends. I want to speak to JC for a minute." When she sees the panic in her son's face, she puts a comforting hand under his chin. "It'll be okay. I just want to talk to him. Go on now." She watches him leave, turn his head to look back at her, and head into the house. "Lynn, I'll be right with you to go over those papers Johnny sent." She walks over to where JC is sitting, at the edge of the pool. "JC, can I have a word with you, please?"
JC looks up at her, his eyes very wide and very scared. This is Lance's mom, he reminds himself. You like her. She likes you. At least she used to. He nods, silently, suddenly feeling much younger than his 19 years.
Diane puts a hand on his shoulder when she sees the expression of fear on the boy's face. She reminds herself that he's young too--not as young as Lance but it's not like he's some older pedophile. She steers them to two chairs at the far end of the patio, shaded by a large umbrella. "JC, you know I like you. I think you're a very sweet, talented young man. But I have to think of my son first. I'm sure he told you that I found out about your . . . special friendship."
"I-I-I'm really sorry you found out that way. That's not how we planned it." JC clears his throat and when he speaks again, he voice is surer. "I can't apologize for loving him, though. That I couldn't help."
"Do you, Josh? Do you love him? Do you know what it really means to love someone like that?"
"I know I've never felt like this before. I know I'd do anything for him."
"Josh, being in love is more than just . . . you're both very young. Lance is very young. He's also very sweet and very loving. It's easy for him to fall into these . . . situations. And I don't want to see him get hurt. By anyone. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"I would never hurt him, Mrs. Bass. He's the most important thing in the world to me. Before anything else, he's my best friend. I value that."
Diane nods and takes one of JC's hands. "I appreciate your saying that, Josh. But until yesterday, I didn't even know Lance was . . . gay. I didn't know you were gay. It's enough to worry about who your son is dating, but now . . . Josh, when I said he's young I hope you understand that I'm concerned about this . . . friendship of yours."
"I didn't know I was gay until this happened. And I would never, um, push Lance to, um, DO anything--anything--before he's ready." JC, very red and very flustered, takes a deep breath. "I promised him that."
"You promised him? Josh, I don't want you promising him anything. He's TOO young. I'll be honest, I'm not comfortable with this at all. I love my son, but this is not something I would have expected. And I certainly don't want him growing up too fast. It's hard enough to protect him from the bad parts of this business. I know I can't protect him forever, but I'm his mother. You've been . . . exposed to a lot more than he has."
"Yeah," JC says, feeling anger stirring. "And I've learned enough to know when something is really special, too. I'm not some predator out to lure your boy into something bad. I didn't look for this. I didn't expect this. But I fell in love."
For the first time since Diane sat down with JC, she's impressed. She'll never admit it, but she now has a new level of respect for the boy. Gently, she squeezes his hand. "Then if you love him, please, be careful. You boys are under enough pressure as it is. Josh, I do like you. And I do want to understand what's going on. This is just something that's very foreign to my family. But sometimes, boys your age go through . . . phases. I'm not implying that's what this is, but things do happen."
"Don't think I didn't think about that, back when this started. But phases come and go. They don't grow, get stronger." JC looks Diane in the eye. "Of course I'll be careful. I said it before and I'll say it again. I would never hurt Lance."
Diane rises, still holding JC's hand. "Good. Because if anything happens to him, you'll have me to answer to." And with that, she heads off to talk to Lynn.
JC takes a deep breath as he watches her walk away. He feels like he's been through the ringer. But also feels like he came out the other side intact.
Lance watches through the sliding glass doors as his mother leaves JC. He opens the door slowly and steps out into the bright sunshine. Chris, Joey, and Justin are splashing around, oblivious to what's going on. Lance looks over at JC, then at his mother. Diane glances up from the papers she's perusing and nods, a small smile playing on her lips. With a towel slung over his shoulders, Lance walks toward JC.
"She's going to be watching us, you know."
"I know. Oh, I know."
"What did she say?"
"She reminded me how young you are. She asked me to be careful. She told me that if anything happened to you, I'd answer to her." JC manages a smile. "Standard mom stuff."
"I'm really sorry this happened, Josh." Lance stares off at the guys in the pool. "Maybe . . . we should stop this."
"Is that what you want, Lance? Because it's not what I want."
"No, I don't want that at all. I just don't want to make trouble for anyone. For my parents, for you. And you haven't even told your parents yet. I wish it weren't so complicated."
"I think we're worth suffering through a few complications for."
Lance glances at his mother, who looks up from what she's reading. "My mom was the easy part. Wait till my dad finds out."
Needing to make contact, JC nudges Lance's foot with his, hidden by the chair and table legs. "Well, maybe if we can convince your mom we're good together, she can help us with your dad."
Lance jumps slightly, but warms to the touch. It had been too long, even though it had only been a few days. "I hope so. But we're really gonna have to watch it around her. The one good thing we have going for us is she likes you. And she knows I like you."
"We're used to being careful. We can do that."
In a much softer voice, Lance says, "Thanks. For being so understanding." He rises. "Wanna go in the pool? I think we should at least make an effort to seem . . . normal. But Josh--one more thing. I love you for putting up with this."
JC smiles lovingly at Lance, and Diane, glancing up again, wonders as she had earlier, how everyone else has missed the connection between the two. She watches as the boys move to the pool, and as JC subtly intercedes as Joey tries a little too roughly to pull Lance into the pool. She notes that JC seems protective without being possessive and for the moment sees what Lance sees in him.
There are two reasons Lance likes being in the pool: He can touch JC and it just looks like everyone is messing around as a group, and the water is cold. Because being so close to JC--seeing him half naked after not seeing him for days--isn't easy. Before long, however, Lynn rounds them up to get cleaned up and changed so they can get to the recording studio. Lance just hopes that at some point he can have even just a few minutes alone with JC.
JC has been aware of two things this afternoon: Diane's watchful eyes on him, and the pleasure of being with Lance again. He patiently waits for his moment and finally gets it when they're dressing. Lance, as usual, is the first dressed, so it seems perfectly natural when JC says, "I think I got a sunburn. Hey, Lance, can you put some aloe on it for me?" and the two retreat to the bathroom where the aloe lotion is kept. Fortunately, Diane is in another room and has no idea where Lance and JC are.
Lance breathes a sigh of relief when they enter the small bathroom. He leans against the sink, hands on the rim, and bounces lightly against the edge. "So, can I see that sunburn?"
"Look," JC says with his most pathetic expression. He turns and there is, indeed, a faint bloom of redness across his upper back and shoulders. "Least you could do is kiss it and make it better."
"Wow, you weren't kidding. You sure you want me to? That looks painful." He approaches JC and can practically feel the heat generated from the older boy's back.
JC turns. "Maybe you should kiss ME, and we'll stick to aloe for my back." Lance wraps his arms around JC's waist, being careful not to touch the sunburn. He places a soft kiss on JC's neck, then another and another, and finally turns his friend around. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you, too. I don't want to do this again for a long time, this being apart stuff."
"You mean you won't get sick of me?"
"Not a chance."
"Are you sure?" Lance asks, bringing his face closer.
"Absolutely." JC leans the remaining inches to bring his lips to Lance's. Lance pulls JC closer as he parts his lips and slips his tongue into JC's welcoming mouth. He feels like he hasn't kissed his friend in weeks instead of days.
JC lets the kiss linger, their tongues learning one another's mouths once again. Finally, reluctantly, he pulls back. "They'll be waiting for us."
When Diane abruptly knocks and even more abruptly walks in, JC is seated on the closed toilet, Lance blamelessly spreading aloe lotion on the afflicted areas. Immediately, mom-mode kicks in. "JC! How many times do I have to tell you boys? Why didn't you have sunscreen on?"
JC grins up at her. "I was, um, a little distracted."
"Are you going to be able to stand a shirt over that?"
"Yeah, the aloe's helping already." JC rises and reaches for the shirt he'd carried in with him. He turns to Lance. "Ready?"
"Yeah." He looks at his mother, red-faced. It's like she knew exactly what they were doing just seconds ago. She nods knowingly, but says nothing, putting an arm around his shoulder as she leads him out to the car.
Diane smiles at her nervous son as she starts the car. "He's a nice boy, honey, and I know he cares about you. I trust you both. That gives you the responsibility of living up to that trust." She pauses. "This isn't what I would have chosen for you, son, but I won't try to make you break it off, either."
It's like he lost twenty pounds from his shoulders. Lance's head snaps up and his eyes grow wide. "Y-you won't? Mom, I promise, I'm not gonna do anything stupid. JC's never pressured me to do anything. I really, really like him."
Diane caresses her son's cheek. "I know, honey. And I love YOU." She leans over and kisses his cheek, then starts the car.
As they drive off, Lance smiles, feeling more relaxed then he has in days. Getting through to his mother was hard, but he'd do it again if it meant being with Josh.