Dear Diary
by Karen and LB
© 2002
Dear Diary,
That sounds so stupid. It's not like anyone's going to read this, but mom said I should start keeping a journal, with all that's going on and what might happen. She said it would be good for me to get my feelings out since she knows I don't like talking about stuff. I guess it couldn't hurt, but it still feels strange. Like I'm talking to myself.
Tomorrow we're flying out to Orlando to meet the guys. I still can't believe she said yes. Well, after like five hours of convincing her. I love her for that. I know she just worries about me, but this sounds so cool. A band! A real band! They asked ME. They don't even know me. And that's scary, because I want to meet them but I'm a little nervous. I mean, I have all these friends here and never had a problem making friends, but what if they think I'm some hick from the south? Two of the guys were on the Mickey Mouse Club, so they're like professional singers. And two of them work at Universal Studios. How cool is that?! I got to speak to Justin, and he sounded really nice. What if it works out and I get to do this for REAL? I wonder if mom and dad will really let me do it, if they'll let me leave school and sing. I guess we'll find out soon enough.
Lance Bass, rock star.
JC's Journal
That new kid is coming to audition tomorrow. I don't know. Its like, okay, yeah, Jason was definately not working out, but this kid? He's like from Mississippi. And he's never, like, sung professionally and, I don't know . . . I mean, I guess I hadn't either before the Mouse Club and all . . . But still. Even if he's good as Justin's guy says, is he ready? And it's probably real scary for him, coming to meet us and all. I kinda wish tomorrow was over already.
Dear Diary,
I can't sleep. I was supposed to be in bed like a half hour ago but I'm so psyched! I can't believe this is all happening so fast.
The guys are SO nice! We got here late this morning and checked into the hotel. Then we drove to this studio where they were waiting. I got to meet Lou Pearlman, who is like the BACKSTREET BOYS' manager!!! Like, this guy is the big time. He seemed really nice. Not at all like what I expected. Then we got to meet the guys. Justin was really nice, and his mom was there too. I guess she's sort of like his manager too. Chris is crazy! He can't sit still and is really funny. Joey was funny too. He's this Italian dude from NY, but he's not like mean or anything. And JC is really nice. He and Justin and Joey are good friends, so they joked around a lot. He's got a nice smile and has so much energy. I don't know where he gets it from. He has a great voice, too. He can really belt it out.
First I had to sing alone. That was a little scary. They have a vocal coach named Robin who was nice and made me feel pretty relaxed. We did some warm-ups, and then I sang this song from church. They seemed pretty impressed. She talked about my range, and then all of us did Happy Birthday together, which sounds like a funny song to sing in five-part harmony, but we sounded GOOD. Then we did the Star Spangled Banner and we rocked! I think everyone was really surprised by how good we sounded.
After, we went over to Justin's house, where his mom made us barbecue and we talked about what was going to happen next. She talked with my mom and dad for a while while the rest of us guys played video games and stuff. They really made me feel at home, but I got the sense that they are really tight.
I guess we'll find out tomorrow if I'm in. And if so I guess I'll be moving down here.
JC's Journal
Okay, so this kid--his name is Lance, so I guess I should stop calling him "this kid" shows up and I'm like WHAT is he even doing here. He's REAL skinny, except for his face still has what my mom would call baby fat. And he's he's awkward and shy and gawky and nervous. If I didn't know better, I woulda though he was younger than Justin. But that's not fair, 'cause Justin was practically born doing this, and this kid, Lance, I mean, is like a regular kid, you know? And did I mention the dorky hair? Maybe it's the latest thing in Mississippi or something.
Anyways, I totally forgot any of that when he opened his mouth to sing. I don't know how that voice comes out of that skinny little body, but it does. Amazing. And when we all sang together--let's just say that for us guys, there's not even a question. Lou may be a different story. I saw how he was looking at Lance. He wasn't happy with his look, I can tell. But that voice. Wow.
Dear Diary,
I can hardly breathe!!! Lou said he wants to discuss a CONTRACT. A CONTRACT. This is REAL. We went back to his office today--he's got like this huge office with all kinds of cool stuff. The other guys were there, and I couldn't stop checking out JC. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about this, but he's so hot. I don't think he would EVER be interested in me. He's probably not even gay and could have like any girl he wants. And he dresses pretty cool. They all do, except for Joey. He's so funny but he has like the craziest clothes.
Mom's not sure I should do this. She wants me to finish school, but Lou said he could hook me up with a tutor. I think dad's going to be easier to convince. I hope they say yes. I want to do this. I want this.
JC's Journal
We met with Lou today. All five of us. Whatever problems Lou has with Lance's look and all, he's willing to take a chance. Which is good, because I totally want Lance. In the group, I mean. I can see how scared and excited he is. It's like I can see it around him like an ora. (I know that's spelled wrong, but I don't have a dictionary.) Anyways, I remember feeling like that when I signed on the dotted line for the first time. Or my parents did. At least there's like 4 of us to get him through.
Dear Diary,
I know I haven't written in a few days, but things have been CRAZY. We're moving to Orlando. We're really doing it. Mom wouldn't let me go unless they came with me. I hate feeling like a kid, but I'm sort of glad they'll be there. She's still not too happy about the school thing, but Justin said his teacher is really cool, and I only have a few subjects to finish before graduation. Lou said he can help us find a place to live. JC is staying with Justin--I guess they're really close, which is cool. I'm going to miss Keri and Beth and Darrin and everyone so much. They're so excited for me. We're having a big party tomorrow. And then it's back to Orlando.
JC's Journal
Lance and his mom should be here tomorrow. Lou found them a house to rent and I promised to be there to help them unload their stuff. I can't believe this is really happening--that the group is complete and we're going to do this. It's only, like, my dream.
Dear Diary,
I think my mom wants to adopt JC. He came over to help us move into the house. It's got furniture already but we had to take all my clothes and stuff because we don't know how long we'll be here. Mom wants to take me shopping for some new clothes to wear to all these auditions. And Lou suggested I get a haircut. Anyway, back to JC. We all went out to dinner and JC told us all about his MMC days--it's so cool that he was on TV. I remember watching that show after school. He lived in LA for a while and he and Justin wrote a bunch of songs together. I can't wait to hear them. JC said he'd show us around Disney World--we were there once before but I was too young to go to the cool clubs. Tomorrow we get to work learning some songs. We sound so good together!
JC's Journal
We've been rehearsing for a few days, and it sounds amazing. Tomorrow we start learning dance steps. I can't wait. Everything's coming together so incredibly well. It's like Lance was the missing piece. He's already started coming out of his shell, at least with us guys. He still looks like a lost puppy or something when Lou comes in the room. But I guess Lou is pretty scary.
Dear Diary,
I suck! We had to learn these dance moves to go along with the songs we just learned and I suck at it. JC just picks them up right away. He's amazing. He really knows how to move. Joey's hilarious--he makes faces all the time. Justin is really good too. Sometimes I forget he's only 14. Chris is pretty athletic. But I had trouble keeping up, and I hope they don't get mad at me.
This is funny--before I came along they had this guy in the group. Lynn came up with the name NSYNC by taking the last letters of their first names. But my name didn't fit, so Justin said my name is now Lansten.
JC's Journal
Lance had a really hard time at the dance rehearsal today. He needs to relax and just let it happen, but he doesn't know how. Maybe I can work with him extra to help him get up to speed.
Dear Diary,
I don't know how Chris and Joey do it. They still have jobs but they manage to make it to rehearsal with all this energy. I'm really lucky mom and dad are with me.
A strange thing happened. Me and JC were talking after rehearsal tonight and he offered to show me some of the moves I'm having trouble with. Which is like all of them. I'm such a dork. It's not like the moves are really hard, but they're not like what we did in Showstoppers. He probably thinks I'm the biggest idiot. I'm supposed to meet up with him tomorrow before the rest of the guys get there, so we'll see what happens.
JC's Journal
I talked to Lance last night and offered to work with him on some of the dance stuff. He was SO grateful it made me really glad I offered. I know he'll get them. He just needs someone to be a little patient with him and not yell.
So today we got there early and we started working. He was still so stiff, but then I got him talking about other stuff and he stopped THINKING about it so much. And he was better. It's not like he's gonna dance with the Orlando City Ballet any time soon, but he'll get what we're trying to do.
Dear Diary,
Today we had some pictures taken. Well, it was Mrs. Harliss and her camera, but we're gonna use them for flyers and promotional stuff. We were outside and goofing around and stuff. Joey started wrestling and we all piled on him. JC is a lot stronger than he looks. He had Joey pinned until Joey flipped him over. JC's so athletic. He's been trying to help me with the dancing, but we all watched a tape and I still look like I don't know what I'm doing. But it's still a lot of fun and I love every minute of it.
Chris got us some studio time and we're gonna record some stuff on a CD.
The other guys are out right now, but mom said I have to do my homework and can't go out until the weekend. I hate curfews.
JC's Journal
I wish Lou would get off Lance's case. The poor kid is doing twice as much dance rehearsal as the rest of us, and plenty of singing. And keeping his grades up. Him and Justin have been spending more time together since they can't always go places with us older guys. I think it's good for both of them.
Dear Diary,
Justin and I played basketball today but I SUCK. I think he's pissed about it but what can you do? He's really good--if he went to high school he'd probably be on the team.
Tonight I FINALLY get to go out (but mom said I have to be back by 1:00). I guess it's better than nothing.
JC's Journal
We all went out for the first time last night. Male bonding at it's finest. We hit the clubs and even took over the dance floor a couple of times. Lance told us before how he used to sneak out and go to New Orleans to the clubs, but I'm not sure I believe him--he seemed, like AWED by the clubs.
Dear Diary,
I love Orlando! JC and Joey got us into Pleasure Island at Disney World and there are tons of clubs in this one place! And kids my age can get in (but I couldn't drink--well, at least I couldn't buy the drinks. Joey got them for me). We had a blast. JC is a GREAT dancer and had all these girls coming over to him. I wonder if he likes any of them.
JC's Journal
Diane flipped out on me and Joey for letting Lance drink. It's not like we got him drunk or anything. We'll have to be more careful if she EVER lets us take him with us again.
Dear Diary,
Mom has been keeping a close eye on me. I think she's worried about me being away from school and my friends. We had a talk before coming here and she said if this changed me in any way she'd pull me out. I don't want to do anything to disappoint her. Lou's trying to set us up with some gigs, but in the meantime we've been trying to sing anyplace we can. We even sang at a restaurant! JC said he's writing some songs. I hope he lets me hear them.
JC's Journal
Lou's talking about taking us to Germany. He said he hoped he wouldn't have to, but no labels are interested here. It'll be so WEIRD.
Dear Diary,
WE'RE GOING TO GERMANY! I can't believe this! Mom and dad couldn't believe it either. Dad's going back to Mississippi and mom's coming with me to chaperone with Lynn. I guess it makes sense--that's how the Backstreet Boys started out. It will be so cool!
JC's Journal
Lou made us get physicals and stuff for the trip. They even took blood. I HATE NEEDLES. But I guess it will be worth it. This is, like, the first big step.
Dear Diary,
I didn't know JC was so scared of needles. Everyone was laughing but it really wasn't funny. I felt bad. I don't like them much either, but Lou said we needed to do it. At least that part is overwith. Mom took me shopping to buy new clothes. Joey keeps making fun of me, but he's one to talk. We leave in two days and we'll stay at a hotel in Germany. I don't know who I'll room with, but I hope it's JC.
JC's Journal
We're really here. Well, not yet. On the plane. I got seated next to Lance and he fell asleep. He kind of slouched over, and he's leaning on my shoulder. It's, well, it's really cute. Joey's on the other side and he's making fun of Lance. I have to stay awake just to make sure Joey doesn't, like, draw a mustache on him.
Dear Diary,
The flight took forever, and then we had to wait for our luggage. Justin got cranky but Joey was bouncing all over the place. He and JC started singing, and Chris was making faces and cracking everyone up. On the plane we all sang to the flight attendants and they loved us. They kept bringing us sodas. JC is rooming with Joey and I'm with Justin. We're gonna take a walk and check out the neighborhood later--
I'm supposed to be doing my homework.
JC's Journal
Everything's so different here. I sure hope Lou's right and they'll like us. Joey's already trying to set up "don't come back to the room" signals. He thinks the German girls are hot for him. Wait till he finds out how strict Lynn is! It's gonna be pretty funny.
Dear Diary,
We have our first gig tomorrow night. Mom and Lynn got flyers printed up and have been handing them out all over the place. I think the clubs are less strict here. I'm a little nervous, but mostly excited. We've been practicing like crazy, and Mom and Lynn said we can't stay out late tonight, so I think we're gonna hang out and play games in my room.
JC's Journal
We went out to dinner, then came back to the hotel. We all piled into Lance's room and the mom's left us alone. It's like they understand that we need to be by ourselves, to, well, not to bond, since we've done that, but just to hang and BE together. Tomorrow is a BIG deal for us.
Dear Diary,
It was fun hanging out at the hotel, since we've got a lot of late nights coming up. We've spent so much time together these guys are like brothers now. I never had a brother, so it's cool. Tonight is the first club show. I hope I don't mess up.
JC's Journal
Well, we weren't perfect. But we were a GROUP. Together. We prayed together before the show, and we did a hackey. We're gonna keep doing both those things. And we got out there and the audience liked us. We didn't majorly screw up anything. It's a start!
Dear Diary,
It was hilarious hearing all those girls screaming last night and coming up to us after the show. Most of them spoke English, which was cool, so we could talk to them. And they asked for our AUTOGRAPHS! I can't believe I signed an autograph. We're just regular guys and people wanted our autographs! I got such a rush. I think we all did.
We're going into the studio to record some songs. I think this is really it.
JC's Journal
Recording is the coolest. I LOVE to watch those guys run the board. I'm trying to learn from them, too. WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A SINGLE !!!!! US!!!!!
Dear Diary,
Looks like the single is going to get picked up by some of the local radio stations. It was such a blast making it. I was a little nervous but tried not to show it. We did a couple of songs, but Lou is pushing I Want You Back. It's a great song. I hope it gets played. Mom was really impressed. I'm so glad she's here. I'm a little homesick, but it's fun being with the guys.
JC's Journal
Lance seems a little homesick, so me and Joey found this restaurant that's like a diner or something back home. They even have good french fries, which are hard to find here. We got permission from Diane to take him out after the show tonight. Hope it cheers him up.
Dear Diary,
Joey and JC were so nice last night! Chris and Justin went to play video games, and me, Joey, and JC went out after the show to this cool restaurant. It wasn't like being home, but the food was good and Joey had me and JC in stitches. And JC is SO funny when he laughs! He practically fell out of the booth. One of these days he's gonna hurt himself. I guess I'll just have to make sure he doesn't.
JC's Journal
Last night was SO excellent. It really made Lance smile. And he's, well, he's so cute when he smiles. I shouldn't even be writing that. But it's true. He is. I wonder . . . But he couldn't be.
Dear Diary,
Joey's really fun to hang out with. He's always trying to pick up girls. The other day we hung out at the bar in the hotel, singing and playing piano and JC sounded so good. He has the best voice.
Lou said we should start hearing our single soon. I hope it's true!
JC's Journal
We were in the van with Lynn today and our song came on the radio. I thought I was going to EXPLODE I was so excited. We were all singing along at the top of our lungs and laughing and Chris was trying to do the choreography right in his seat. It was a great moment, and it's SOOO good we were all together to share it.
Dear Diary,
It's so unreal. Everything is moving really fast. Ever since we heard the song, we've had meeting after meeting with BMG. They want an album. An album! Mom called dad right away and he was so happy. I think it was hard for him to believe this was real, but I think he's coming around. We have another show tonight and since the song's been playing a lot, I think we'll get a good crowd.
JC's Journal
All the kids in the club knew the words to our song. We could have stopped singing completely and they would be kept it going. How cool is THAT? We're supposed to start working on the album soon. I hope I can get them to listen to some of my songs.
Dear Diary,
The song is shooting up the charts. We're shooting the video tomorrow. Our first video! With special effects and everything. I hope I don't mess up. I know the other guys think I suck at dancing and will try to cover for me, but I don't want to embarrass them. I think I'll get up early and try to find someplace to rehearse.
JC's Journal
The video is gonna be SO cool! Like Star Wars or something. Weird, though. We're so use to performing with an audience now, that it feels SO strange to do it for just a camera. Poor Lance keeps trying to hide behind the rest of us. I wish he could see how far he's come already.
Dear Diary,
I never knew making a video was so hard. We worked all day and into the night, but we got it done. It's gonna look great when it's done. It's a good thing JC and Justin can dance their asses off because I look like a dork!
JC's Journal
Lou says things are really gonna start happening now that we have a video. Unfortunately, it also means he's on Lance's case more. The poor kid is already working so hard. I don't even wanna suggest more practices, but I'm gonna at least offer.
Dear Diary,
I don't care if I have to work all night. I am GOING TO LEARN TO DANCE. JC keeps offering to help, but I don't want to take up all his time. Mom's worried I'm doing too much, but it's nothing I can't handle. Maybe I'll take him up on it.
JC's Journal
Lance and I did another marathon dance session last night. His mom's mad at me for making him work that long, but it wasn't me. Every time I suggested we take a break, he said no. It's like he thinks he could still get kicked out or something. But I would never let that happen. None of us would. Whatever this crazy family is we've put together, he's part of it.
Dear Diary,
The funniest thing happened last night. We were onstage at this club when we realized JC's zipper was open. I think everyone in the crowd knew, too, but JC just danced his way to the back of the stage and zipped it up and kept singing. It was hilarious! He never missed a beat and he just laughed it off. Good thing Lou wasn't there to see it. He went back home to talk to the record company there. It looks like we're getting signed. We're a real group. We're going to be famous!
JC's Journal
They're never gonna let me live it down. I get zippers, pictures of zippers, drawings of zippers. Justin can even sound like a zipper. I hate them all.
Dear Diary,
I think JC got kind of pissed at us with the whole zipper thing. Joey's brother even got it on tape! I felt so bad after that I bought JC a teddy bear. I'm gonna give it to him later. I hope he likes it and I hope he's not mad at me. (But it was REALLY funny!)
JC's Journal
Lance came to me today and said he felt bad about the zipper thing. And he gave me a teddy bear. He's just the nicest person. I know it's crazy, but I think maybe, just maybe, he likes me.
Dear Diary,
We had ANOTHER photo shoot today, and the guys were all carrying me around and JC had my foot and he lifted it up and Chris asked if he was checking to see what sex I was. We all laughed, but I was so embarrassed. And I have to be honest, I LIKED that JC touched me.
JC's Journal
Lou says he's taking us home soon. It's like, it's what we've been waiting for and all, but in some ways, I don't want it to happen. We have all gotten so close here and I don't want things to change.
Dear Diary,
We're going home! I love being here, but I miss my friends and dad and Stacy. Darrin still doesn't believe we're so big. I can't wait to show him my pictures. I want to throw a big party when we get home. I hope JC will come. I think about him a lot. He and the other guys are my best friends now, but sometimes I wish JC and me could be more than friends.
JC's Journal
It was SO strange coming home. Like, over in Germany, girls are screaming our names, but we come home--HOME--and no one knows who we are. And it's like, no one believes us when we say what it was like in Germany, and you can't keep insisting without looking, you know, conceited. I don't know. But we're gonna start doing gigs here. Maybe things will change.
Dear Diary,
It's so weird walking around not having anyone following us. Johnny, our new manager, is gonna push to get our single played here. And we're doing some clubs here. We're even going to New York next week. I haven't been there since Attache. It will be fun to see it with the guys. Joey has family up there.
JC's Journal
New York. Just like I imagined it. Skyscrapers and everything. Haha! The thing is, Lance is kinda like that, even though he's been there before. He's just fascinated by everything. He's so much fun to hang out with because of that.
Dear Diary,
We all went on the subway today and started singing. I think some people wanted to give us money. It was pretty funny. We went up to the top of the Empire State Building and Chris FREAKED OUT! Then we went to the Hard Rock and talked the waitress into giving JC a menu. I wanted to go to some of the clubs, but mom wouldn't let me stay out past 11. So we came back to my room and played some games. JC, Chris, and Joey must get pretty tired of hanging out with me and Justin.
JC's Journal
Chris is never gonna hear the end of, like hugging the wall at the Empire State Building. I mean, c'mon now. It's safe. Besides, he's STILL ragging me about the zipper thing.
Dear Diary,
It's getting vicious. Chris has been playing practical jokes on all of us ever since the Empire State Building. I better watch my back. We sang for some record producers today and they really liked us! We're going back to Florida tomorrow, but tonight mom said we could go out. Joey said he'll buy me drinks.
JC's Journal
I'm pissed at Joey. He's already telling Lance that he'll by him drinks tonight. Last time he did that, Diane yelled at us and grounded Lance. I want him to be able to come out with us more, not less.
Dear Diary,
I'm writing this on the plane. JC fell asleep the second we boarded. We got back SO late last night! I think mom knows, but she hasn't said anything. It's not like we did anything really bad, but I feel bad because I know she trusts me. I'll make sure to get to bed early tonight. We have rehearsal in the morning anyway. JC's so cute when he sleeps.
JC's Journal
I must have been really tired, because I slept through the whole flight. And the landing. And everyone getting off the plane. When Lance finally woke me up, everyone was gone. He must think I'm such a dork.
Dear Diary,
After rehearsal today Lou announced that we're gonna do a show for DISNEY! The Backstreet Boys were supposed to do it, but they backed out, so they offered it to us. This will be the first time we'll be performing on TV in the U.S.! I thought JC was gonna bounce right off the walls!
JC's Journal
I never thought I'd say it, but Lou ROCKS! This Disney thing is SO what we need. We're gonna have to work SO hard, cause we CAN'T blow this. We have to be perfect.
Dear Diary,
We worked for like 12 hours yesterday. The show's tomorrow and we want it to be perfect. I'm a little nervous, but it's gonna be fun. We taped these interviews they're gonna show in between the songs, and I got to ride a horse. I miss doing that back home.
JC's Journal
Okay, I've tried not to gush about Lance too much, but him on a horse today was just such a beautiful sight. I wish . . . I wish I could tell him how I feel.
Dear Diary,
The Disney show was amazing! There were SO many people in the crowd, and they had signs and they knew the songs, and if they didn't know the songs they loved them after they heard them. Mom and dad were so proud of us. The next day we saw a tape of the show and talked about stuff we could do better next time. Because there IS going to be a next time.
JC's Journal
I can't wait till the show airs. It's going to make a huge difference. In some ways, it already has. Lou talks to us differently. Like, I always wondered if he really believed in us. I think maybe now he does.
Dear Diary,
Sometimes Chris takes his jokes too far. We went out to dinner last night and while I wasn't looking Chris took my ice cream spoon and held it over a candle, and when I put it in my mouth I burned myself. He can be really funny sometimes, but that hurt.
JC's Journal
Forget what I said about Lou--he's working us harder than ever. He says we're going to blow up after the Disney thing airs and we have to be ready. The place he makes us rehearse is like 3,000,000 degrees- -I swear I lose 10 pounds a day sweating.
Dear Diary,
JC is so hot when he dances. I can't stop thinking about him. Even with all that's going on, it just makes him hotter. I even woke up this morning with a hard-on (I can't believe I just wrote that!).
JC's Journal
Lance was weird today. Like he was afraid I was gonna touch him or something. I don't know what I could have done.
Dear Diary,
I'm totally crushing on JC. He's gonna freak if he finds out.
JC's Journal
Lance is totally avoiding me. It is NOT just my imagination. Chris asked me today if we had a fight.
Dear Diary,
Yesterday we had another photo shoot and interview, and I had to sit next to JC and I almost got a . . . you know. I don't know what to do about it.
JC's Journal
The interview today was horrible. They put Lance next to me, and he like sat on the other half of his chair, like, to make sure he didn't have to touch me. I was going to ask him afterwards what was wrong, but he practically RAN away and hid behind Joey.
Dear Diary,
This is so stupid. I LIKE JC. I really like him. But if he finds out it could ruin everything for us. Everything's going so good. If only he could be my boyfriend.
JC's Journal
Everyone's going out tonight, but I'm staying in. I can't handle being around Lance when he won't even talk to me. This sucks.
Dear Diary,
I think JC's mad at me. I can't think of anything I did that would make him mad at me. Maybe he's sick of me messing up at rehearsal. The other night we all went out but JC stayed home. Maybe he's not feeling well. I think I'll bring him soup from that place he likes.
JC's Journal
It's not so bad staying home. I get a lot of writing done. I miss, um, the guys, but it's not that bad. Really.
Dear Diary,
I must have done something really bad because JC barely speaks to me. He's fine with the other guys but he's basically ignoring me now.
JC's Journal
I miss him. I really miss him. I can't do this anymore. I'm going over there and MAKING him talk to me.
Dear Diary,
This is so weird! Yesterday, JC came over here to talk. To me. ME. By himself. I was so nervous, I acted like such an idiot. It will be a miracle if he ever speaks to me again. I couldn't tell him how much I like him, but he thought I was mad at him for some reason. HA! I thought HE was mad at ME. So we just kind of talked about that and then played some video games. At least I got to sit next to him again. He smelled really good.
JC's Journal
Well, I still don't understand why Lance was acting so weird, but at least we're talking again. We hung out, and it felt really good.
Dear Diary,
Justin wanted to shoot hoops today, so we got a game going, and Joey threw the ball to me but I fell and JC fell on top of me and then everyone piled on JC. It was really funny but the best part was that JC was on TOP of me!
JC's Journal
We'll be back out on the road again, soon. Back on the bus. I'm glad me and Lance are talking again, but it's gonna be hard (heh heh) being in such close quarters again.
Dear Diary,
I love traveling on the bus. It's so much fun and we all get to hang out together. Joey farts too much, but he's so funny it doesn't matter. It's not easy to write on the bus. I have to do it in my bunk so no one will see. JC's bunk is across from mine. Last night, we stayed up talking. He's really easy to talk to. And he's so hot!
JC's Journal
This is crazy. I spend all my time with a guy I have a huge crush on, and I'm still afraid to say anything. We're closer than ever, and I'm afraid of losing that. But how long can I keep pretending?
Dear Diary,
We're stopping in Des Moines tomorrow. I'm rooming with JC. What am I gonna do?
JC's Journal
Lance is in the shower. Lance is in the SHOWER. Lance is IN the shower. Naked. In the next room. Wet. In the next room. I'll write again when my brain isn't mush.
Dear Diary,
It's so weird changing in front of JC. We do it all the time and it was never a big deal, but it's different now. He even asked to borrow my shirt. JC was wearing my shirt. I don't think I'll ever wash it again.
JC's Journal
We live practically on top of each other on the bus. I don't know why one night in the same hotel room is getting to me. I even borrowed a shirt from him so I could, like, smell him. He'd freak if he knew that was why I wanted it.
Dear Diary,
We did a show in this club last night that was so much fun! We messed up a little but it all turned out okay. After, we hung out and danced and stuff. By the time we got back to the hotel it was really late. Lynn was so mad! Me and JC stayed up talking again and we got so silly we kept each other up.
JC's Journal
Lance is SO funny. It's a side he doesn't show much, but it's there. I'm glad he trusts me enough to show it to me.
Dear Diary,
We had the afternoon off yesterday so we all hung out at the hotel pool. Joey kept trying to dunk me and then JC would swim over and dunk HIM. JC's a lot stronger than he looks. Maybe I can get him to go horseback riding sometime.
JC's Journal
This tour is so different from the shows we used to do here at home. The crowd, they all know our songs. It's like playing in Germany, only a million times better. A dream come true.
Dear Diary,
JC's been walking around with this huge grin on his face. Everytime girls come up to him and ask for a picture and autograph he's SO nice to them. And they love it. Forget about Justin--all he has to do is sneeze and the girls scream. It's pretty funny. I still can't get used to this. When I talk to my friends from home, they all treat me like they always did. I don't feel any different until I step out on the stage with the other guys and we start singing. That's when I realize how lucky we are. Now if only I could get JC to LIKE me!!!
JC's Journal
I have a cold. It sucks because the guys are going out tonight, and I have to stay in so I can sing tomorrow. We haven't had a night off in a while. It's like when you're little and you get sick on a Saturday and you can hear the other kids outside playing.
Dear Diary,
The strangest thing happened the other night. JC was sick so he decided not to go out, even though Joey and Chris practically yanked his arms off trying to get him through the door. I felt so bad for him. I know how much he likes to dance, but he's also really cool about staying in. So I asked him if he wanted some company and at first he said no, that I should go with the rest of the guys, but then I offered again and he said okay. We watched some movies and then JC fell asleep and I wanted so badly to stay with him, but instead I just pulled the blanket over him and watched him sleep for a few minutes. He's very sexy when he sleeps. Then I went back to my room and when Chris got back he was acting all crazy and kept me up half the night.
JC's Journal
Lance stayed in with me when I was sick. I told him he didn't have to, but he did anyway. That's got to mean something, doesn't it?
Dear Diary,
Our single is a big hit. It's so cool hearing it here and being interviewed by radio stations and stuff. I wish we could go home more, but it's fun being on the road, too. We're gonna film this thing for MTV soon. MTV! I can't stop thinking about JC. I have such a crush on him. I want so badly to kiss him. If he found out, I'd DIE!
JC's Journal
Lance is acting a little weird again. Not shutting me out like before, but like he's scared to touch me. And all I wanna DO is touch him.
Dear Diary,
We had to try on clothes for the tour and we were all in this big room and Joey stole my pants and was running around with them and I had to chase him in my underwear. It was really embarrassing.
JC's Journal
G-d bless Joey! Lance looked SO cute running around in his boxer- briefs. I wanted to jump him.
Dear Diary,
I haven't had any time to write. We've been on the road and so busy. Everyone's asleep (I think). Joey's snoring. Loud. JC's across from me. I can hear him breathing. He took a stuffed animal in his bunk with him. It's so cute!
JC's Journal
I woke up and I had to, you know, go to the bathroom. When I got out of my bunk, I caught Lance watching me. Hmmm. Just hmmm. Maybe? I wanted to let him know I knew, but I didn't want to freak him. So I just said "Hey, Lance."
Dear Diary,
I think JC's on to me.
JC's Journal
Lance is jumpier than ever. Every time I look at him, he practically jumps out of his skin.
Dear Diary,
This is crazy. When we're all together, everything's fine. We're all friends. Like brothers. But everytime JC looks at me I get these feelings. It's so confusing. I don't know what to do about it. It's not like he's some girl I could ask out.
JC's Journal
I wonder what he'd do if I just walked over and sat next to him on the couch and put my head in his lap. Or if I just kissed him.
Crazy. I'm completely crazy.
Dear Diary,
I'm such a dork. I just made a sandwich on the bus and asked JC if he wanted one. And he did. He ate the sandwich I made for him. (It was ham and cheese.)
JC's Journal
The thing about Lance is, besides being really cute--and getting cuter by the minute--he's just a really nice guy. He made me a sandwich today. None of the other guys would do that. They might leave the stuff out for me--actually, they would whether I wanted them to or not--but they'd never, like, make it for me.
Dear Diary,
Joey is such a slob! And the bus is beginning to smell. Yesterday I almost stepped on his dirty underwear. It was so gross. But he keeps telling me how gross it is when I bite my nails and spit the bits so I guess it all evens out. We have to do this interview with Bop magazine today. I hope they don't ask any embarrassing questions.
JC's Journal
If they ask Justin his favorite color ONE more time, I'm gonna scream. I'm just sayin'.
Dear Diary,
They asked embarrassing questions! They asked us if we had girlfriends and I must have turned so red. If they only knew!
JC's Journal
We're supposed to have a few days off at the end of the tour, but now Lou's saying he wants us to do a Christmas album. I totally want to do it, but I wish we were getting a real break, too.
Dear Diary,
Mom and dad are really happy about the Christmas album. We're even doing a video for it! I love Christmas. It's kind of weird doing it now, but this way it'll be out in time for the holidays. We're doing O Holy Night, which is like my favorite Christmas song. We were singing it on the bus today and we sounded so good. JC KILLS that song!
JC's Journal
We got the charts for The Only Gift today, and Lance has a solo. We started working on it a little, and I swear I got CHILLS when Lance hit that low note. Wow.
Dear Diary,
We did a bunch of songs for the Christmas album today, and mom brought us all candy canes to get us in the mood. I have no idea where she found candy canes at this time of year, but you know how moms are. They can find anything, anytime, anywhere.
We also took pictures for the album and JC looked SO hot! He has to stop looking so good or I'm gonna jump him.
JC's Journal
I wonder what Lance is like on Christmas. REAL Christmas. Does he still, like, come down in his jammies? How old was he when he stopped believing in Santa? Stuff like that.
Dear Diary,
JC and I had the best conversation last night. We sat up in my room eating popcorn and talking about our families and holidays and stuff. He's really close with his mom like I am with my mom. We were up for HOURS until Lynn told us that it was past curfew.
JC's Journal
There's something kind of cool about having a crush on one of your best friends. Most of the time, if I have a crush on someone, I get all tongue tied and stupid. But this is Lance. Okay, maybe I'm still stupid, but it's more like we can't STOP talking. Our words tumble over each other, and we finish each other's sentences. And it's the best feeling.
Dear Diary,
We had some free time today, so we went shopping. Justin bought some cool earrings--I don't think I could ever get my ears pierced but it looks good on him. Joey bought some MORE Superman stuff--I don't know where he's going to put it all. JC bought this cool leather bracelet that looks so sexy on him. He even asked my opinion about which one to buy.
JC's Journal
We're going to do this TV thing for TGIF tomorrow. Should be good exposure. Except those shows are kind of lame.
Dear Diary,
We're gonna be on TV! It was so much fun. We got to meet some of the actors from Boy Meets World. Danielle is really nice.
JC's Journal
Lance spent a lot of time talking to that Danielle chick. I think he really likes her. This sucks.
Dear Diary,
Danielle is so sweet! She gave me a tour of the set and we had lunch together. And we have so much in common. She's cool, for a girl.
JC's Journal
He's going to ask her out. I know he is. What am I gonna do if he starts dating her? It's not like I can get away from it.
Dear Diary,
JC's acting weird. He still talks to me, but he doesn't seem to want to spend time with me anymore. I hope he doesn't think there's something going on between me and Danielle. Other than friendship.
JC's Journal
I should have known this would happen. He's too great not to have SOMEONE come along and scoop him up.
Dear Diary,
JC seems kind of sad. When we're singing, he's fine--he's jumping around and stuff, but when we're on the bus he gets real quiet. I'm gonna see if he wants to talk tonight.
JC's Journal
Lance says he wants to talk later. He's gonna tell me he's in love with Danielle, and I'm gonna have to pretend to be happy for him.
Dear Diary,
So I managed to get JC alone after the show and here's how the conversation went:
Me: So how's it going?
JC, laughing: You see me every day. You know how it's going as well as I do.
Me: I meant personally.
JC: I'm doin' okay. You?
Me: Great. You sure you're okay? You seem kinda down.
JC: No, I'm . . . You seem really happy.
Me: I am. This tour has been so much fun.
JC: Yeah, um, so, you and Danielle?
Me: She's really sweet. She's a good friend.
JC: Yeah? She seems, um, nice . . .
Me: She is. We have a lot in common.
JC: So, are you two, um, you know . . .
Me: What? Like, going out? No way! I mean, no.
JC: Really? Wow. Everyone seems to think so.
Me: They do? No, me and Danielle are just friends. Why do they think there's more going on?
JC: You're spending lots of time with her. And Lou's said a couple of things.
Me: What did he say?
JC: Um, stuff about it being about time you got a girlfriend. And how he feels like a proud Poppa for introducing you. Stuff like that.
Me: That's gross. And she's not my girlfriend. She's just a friend. But maybe it's a good thing everyone thinks she's my girlfriend.
JC: Why?
And that's when I decided I'd said too much. I told JC this way people would stop asking me if I had a girlfriend and I could still have a private life. If he finds out I'm gay, if anyone finds out, who knows what they'll do?
JC's Journal
Is it wrong of me to be so happy that he isn't dating her? I mean, I should want him to be happy, right? And if there's some girl who's gonna make him happy, that's good, right? Wrong.
Dear Diary,
Danielle's really sweet, but she's starting to act like we SHOULD go out. Even the guys are starting to tease me about her. And I don't think the fans like that I'm "dating" her. She's been to a couple of meet and greets and they just glare at her. At least we're on the road right now. It's not fair to her, though. She deserves someone who will be there for her, and I just can't do that.
JC's Journal
She's always showing up, every time she can meet up with us on the road. Lance doesn't seem too happy about it. Maybe because she's always talking about the future and stuff, and they're not even going out. Maybe I can get him to go out with me after the show tonight. Maybe I could get him to talk. He looks like he could use a friend.
Dear Diary,
Last night me and JC went out after the show. Well, Joey and Chris and Justin came too, but then they went off to play video games. JC asked me about Danielle. He thinks she thinks there's more to my relationship with her than there is, and he's right. But I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I can't exactly tell her I'm gay. And JC would probably freak. Or would he? He's pretty sensitive and open-minded. And he has other friends who are gay.
JC's Journal
Lance didn't open up much. He agreed that Danielle's reading too much into things, but that doesn't explain why whenever he thinks no one's looking, he looks sad.
Dear Diary,
Danielle keeps calling me. I feel so bad that I can't be who she wants me to be, but I'm not going to change. This is who I am. I love my life. I love being in 'N Sync. I love my friends. I love JC. I can't believe I just wrote that! But it's true. I think I'm in love with him.
JC's Journal
I heard Lance get up and go out to the lounge a while ago. Everyone else is asleep. I'm gonna go keep him company.
Dear Diary,
JC and I talked again last night. Nothing real serious, but I get the feeling he suspects something. I think Joey knows, too, because he keeps asking me if I slept with Danielle.
JC's Journal
Opening for Janet is like the BEST! Our last show is in New Orleans, and Lance promised to show me the city. Can't wait.
Dear Diary,
It's so much fun being home, or at least close to it. All my friends came down to New Orleans to see the show, and some of them hadn't met the guys yet. JC even met some of my other relatives and they got along great. We got to hit the clubs, too, and JC went wild! He had everyone dancing and made up all these crazy dances. It was so much fun. I showed him all my favorite places and he seemed really into it. Joey bought a voodoo doll and told Chris he was gonna stick it whenever Chris did something bad, so now Chris keeps complaining about his knee. I told Joey he should stick the pin someplace else.
JC's Journal
Lance is so in his element here. He knows all the cool places. Our quiet little Mississippi boy couldn't have been THAT quiet. He even took us to a gay club because he said they had the best DJ. And they did.
Dear Diary,
I miss New Orleans already. We stayed up all night and didn't get back to the hotel until the sun came up. JC had his arm around me when got back and I didn't want to let him go. But I had to because I was sharing a room with Joey. That's probably a good thing, because who knows what I would have done?
JC's Journal
We have a few days off in Orlando. Off as in not touring, but we're rehearsing, and we have photo shoots. I think I'm gonna, one night I'm gonna go by Lance's and talk to him. This has gone on for too long. I have to say something. Even if he hates me.
Dear Diary,
Everything's been so crazy I haven't had a chance to write. It all started when we got back to Orlando. We've been so busy--rehearsing, learning new songs, stuff like that. And then JC came by the apartment. I was alone. And we talked, and JC told me all this stuff about how glad he was that we're friends and then he told me that he liked me! He didn't want to freak me out, and I hope I didn't freak HIM out, but it turns out JC is gay too! I don't know what's gonna happen now, but we talked.
JC's Journal
It was the right thing to do, talking to Lance. No more secrets, no more lies, at least between us. I didn't want to push him on the dating part--it's enough to know that he knows and I know and there's possibilities.
Dear Diary,
I thought things would be weird after JC and me talked, but it's not. If nothing else, we're closer than before and JC's been really sweet. It's not like we're dating but he treats me like he would treat someone he's dating. It feels good.
JC's Journal
For all I love the other guys, and I do, it feels so good to have someone who knows, who understands. Someday, maybe I'll get up the nerve to kiss him.
Dear Diary,
Even though I feel very close to Joey, I have this connection with JC. Joey and I have so much fun, but JC and I talk.
JC's Journal
We have a break coming up--like a week and a half leading up to Christmas. We're all going home. For at least part of it. It's gonna be weird to be away from Lance--all the guys, really--for so long.
Dear Diary,
Danielle came down for Christmas. We tried going shopping at the mall but we got mobbed and had to leave. Is it always going to be like this? I miss the guys, especially JC. I called him the other day. I wish HE could have come here for Christmas.
JC's Journal
We have a show on the 27th in Michigan or Minnesota. One of those M states. Montana? Anyway, I can't wait to see Lance.
Dear Diary,
I brought back a Mississippi State shirt for JC. His whole face lit up when I gave it to him.
JC's Journal
We're going to be in Vegas for New Years. I wish I could, like, take him out. That would be so cool.
Dear Diary,
I love Vegas but it sucks that I can't gamble. Well, not legally, anyway. Sometimes I can sneak in with Joey and they don't say anything. It'll still be fun to be there on New Year's. But at midnight, the only person I want to kiss is JC.
JC's Journal
It was such a perfect night. We managed to get everyone into the casino--it was so busy they hardly noticed us. And we wandered around all dressed up, and gambled a little and watched the high rollers and ate at the amazing buffet they put out. When it was almost midnight, we got champagne and me and Lance sneaked off all by ourselves. And at midnight, we had our first kiss. And it was just as great as I imagined it would be.
Dear Diary,
I can barely write the words: JC CHASEZ KISSED ME. On New Year's Eve. He kissed me. He didn't even really make a big deal about it--he just did it like it was perfectly normal. But it wasn't. It was AMAZING. It was the best kiss ever! He's the best kisser! I want to do it again! We have to be careful, though. NO ONE CAN FIND OUT. We're toast if they do. We had to sneak around to do it in the first place. But it was worth it. It was so romantic! He brought champagne and we found this empty closet and made out. I was afraid it would turn out to be gross, kissing a guy. But it wasn't! Not at all. It felt so right. It felt so REAL. I want to do it again NOW!
JC's Journal
We have a show tonight, and I can't even concentrate. All I wanna do is kiss Lance for about three days. I can't believe it finally happened. And I wonder why I waited so long. But then, it was exactly the right moment.
Dear Diary,
Even the show is better. JC always had a lot of energy, but now he's all over the place! It's so much fun watching him bounce all over the stage. We try to sneak moments together whenever we can, but it's not easy.
JC's Journal
We have almost a month and a half "off" at the end of this tour. Not really off. We'll be rehearsing the new tour, which is our biggest so far. Oh, yeah, and we're going to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl. How cool is that? I hope we get a little time there--not like the last time, when we had to be back in New York in a couple of days. I wanna see my boyfriend all tan and beachy. My boyfriend. Wow.
Dear Diary,
JC's in the shower right now, and since he takes forever I figured I could sneak this in. We just got back from the beach. They have the best drinks here! It's strange being with JC because there's so many things I want to be able to do with him but can't. Like rub suntan lotion on his body. We managed to get a room together but I don't know what's going to happen. JC hasn't pressured me at all, even though I want to do it. We've been together for a while now, but we haven't done anything besides kiss.
JC's Journal
So, this afternoon, after the beach, me and Lance went back to our room. And I was so bad. I could feel him watching me when I came out of the bathroom with a towel around my waist. So I dropped it. And I got dressed really slowly. And I was getting hard just thinking about him watching me like that. And he saw that too. I want him so bad.
Dear Diary,
It's getting harder and harder to be around JC. It's like he WANTS me to make a move, but I can't. I've never done that with anyone. I never even got past first base. Last night we made out without our shirts on, and I got so hot. If we didn't stop when we did something would have happened.
JC's Journal
Tonight is our last night in Hawaii. It has been so great here. Really romantic. I think, I think we might be ready to take things farther. I, um, bought stuff just in case. I think maybe tonight. Maybe. If he's ready.
Dear Diary,
I don't know if I should even write about this. It happened two nights ago. It was so different than what I thought it would be. JC was amazing, though. He never pressured me. He let me decide on my own, and I was ready. And he was so gentle. He went slow and he kept asking me if I was okay. It did hurt a little, but he said it gets better. And I'm looking forward to finding out. After, he held me until I fell asleep, and when I woke up he was still holding me. I am totally in love with him.
JC's Journal
Making love to Lance was so much more wonderful than I even thought it would be. Maybe because I've never been in love before. Not like this. It was like, perfect. And there was none of that morning-after discomfort, you know, when you don't know how to act with the other person? Cause even though we're lovers now, we will always be best friends.
Dear Diary,
It's funny that this is the last page, because I feel like things are just beginning. Our album is shooting up the charts, our shows are sold out, and I couldn't be more in love with JC. I don't know if I'll start another diary or not, but I do know that I'll never forget this time in my life.