Send in the Clowns

by Karen and LB
© 2002

Okay, the first thing you need to know is that we're crazy. Very crazy.  The second thing you need to know is that we both hated the Scary Clown from the No Strings Attached tour. A LOT.  Yes, this is a very strange piece. We know that. We even included some of the conversation that led into this, just to make it a little more comprehensible. As we've said before, a LOT of our stories start this way. The two of us emailing back and forth and it turns into a story . . .  Oh, and it's sort of a "why Lance and JC seemed so bummed at the San Diego concerts, especially the first one" story.  And did I mention we're crazy?

***** 

That's it! The clown hit on Lance, but Lance did nothing to fend it off so JC got mad at him. But Lance was intimidated by the clown. 

And wanted JC to save him, which he didn't because he was all swept up in a jealous rage. 

He needs to learn to be more trusting. 

Really. But I can't say I blame him with his boyfriend being the CBOP. 

Yeah, but it's not like Lance came on to the clown. 

No, but he didn't exactly do much to fend it off. 

He thought the clown was just being friendly. It wasn't till later he realized there was something more going on. He can be so naive sometimes. Didn't his parents warn him not to talk to strange clowns? 

Yeah, but ever since he got muscles, he thinks he's safe. 

Muscles are all well and good, till the clown tries to slip you a roofie, Lance. 

Oh no, poor Lance! JC, save him from the roofie-wielding clown! 

Let's hope JC comes to his senses in time. 

I hope he burned the clown. 

Or staked it. And scattered its ashes to the four corners. 

Joshy the Clown Slayer? 

As long as he doesn't fall for Nick, I mean Spike. 

He does like those spike boys. 

So MAYBE it was JC who was flirting with Nick and Lance caught them. 

Yeah, maybe the clown was just trying to WARN Lance. 

But Lance read it all wrong--not only did he think the clown was coming onto him, but he thought his boyfriend was cheating on him. 

Poor Lance, no wonder he was so pissed in San Diego. 

***** 

"You were flirting with Nick Carter! The clown told me so! And then he tried to molest me!" 

"You're gonna believe the clown over me? WHY would I bother with Fat Nick when I've got you? And how did it try to molest you? It's just a giant head." 

"Have you seen the size of that mouth??? And I've seen you checking out Nick, wanting to take a bite of his whopper." 

"Lance, I have no desire to hold his pickle. But if you don't trust me, fine! I'm still gonna kick that clown's butt. If I can figure out where it is." 

"You want to supersize Nick! I know you do! But if you're going to kick that clown's butt, be careful, Josh. You might get lost in there." 

"What do you care? You think I'm cheating on you with Nick. But let me tell you: I've seen Nick in some pretty tight outfits (tighter all the time) and compared to you, that's a Whopper JR he's packing." 

<blush> "I'm no happy meal, JC." 

"You're a happy meal and an apple pie as far as I'm concerned. And you come with the only toy I'm interested in playing with." 

"Then why'd you go sample Nick's meat?" 

"I DIDN'T! I can't believe after all this time you don't trust me. You are the only Filet o' Fish I want." 

"Sure, that's all I am to you. I know what you want. You want all beef patties, and I can't give you that. So you went to the next window." 

"Baby, you don't get it. I keep trying to tell you, but you don't believe me. You ARE all beef. Grade A. Prime. You're two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun to me. All I could ever want. And I don't WANT no refund." 

"So, are you saying you want 'fries' with that?" 

"Yeah, and not from Burger King, either--you hear what I'm saying?" 

"No, JC, I'm not sure I do. Not after the way you were checking out Nick's merchandise." 

"We're back to this? The clown LIED, Lance. The clown is trying to get into your cute little pants. I am not and I have never been interested in Nick Carter. What's it gonna take to convince you? What?"  

"I don't know, JC. I don't know if I can trust you right now. I can't even trust a clown, how can I trust you? And my pants are _not_ cute!" 

"You'd rather trust the scary clown than me? When have I ever given you reason to doubt me, Lance?" 

"Now, Josh, now. I leave you alone for two minutes and you run off to flirt with some other blond guy. At least the clown stays in one place."  

"For the millionth time, Lance, I was not off flirting with ANYONE. I haven't even SEEN Nick Carter in like MONTHS. The clown lies through its teeth. Or whatever it has."  

"In MONTHS? So you WERE seeing Nick. I knew it. The clown never lies." 

"I meant 'seen' as in run into, said hello to, been in the same room as, not 'seen' as in 'dated'. I have never cheated on you. Never. And if you don't believe me, I don't know why we're even talking. I thought we had something, Lance. I really did. I'll go get my stuff out of your room so you won't have to put up with my devotion any more." 

"Fine. If that's the way you want it. You were just looking for an excuse to get out anyway." 

"That's NOT how I want it. How I want it is for you to stop obsessing about someone I wouldn't even go with if I WERE available. Which I'm not. And I don't want to be. For once and for all, I am not attracted to NIck Carter. Never have been, never will be. I love you and only you." 

"Then why is it I'm so jealous!" 

"That's what I'm trying to figure out. The clown is trying to break us up for some reason. Please don't let it, Lance. The thought of life without you in unbearable." 

"Maybe you'd be better off with the clown. At least he'd make you laugh." 

"Lance! What is going ON with you? I don't WANT anyone else. Don't you get that? No one. Ever." 

"You say that now. But what happens IF someone else comes along. How can you say EVER?" 

"I can say ever because I mean ever. You believed me yesterday. Why don't you believe me today?" JC gives up on words and simply wraps his arms around Lance, hoping against hope that what his words can't convey, his love can. 

Lance struggles against JC's grip. This is wrong, he thinks. He doesn't love me. He doesn't. He's only faking. "You're lying! You're lying! First Nick, now Bobbie!" 

"Bobbie? What does Bobbie have to do with any of this? Lance, you're not making sense. What the hell did that clown DO to you?" 

"It told me the truth! The truth about you and Bobbie. That you've been sleeping with her and that you really love her and that all that stuff we decided to let her tell the press was really true." 

"Lance, you know that's not true. You're always there when I'm with Bobbie.This is ridiculous. That thing is evil!" JC stalks off to confront the scary clown. 

"No, JC! Don't go near it! You don't know . . . what it can do. Listen to me. I went backstage. Alone. And the clown . . . he . . . just don't go back there, Josh. Please don't go back there." 

JC looks back. "I can't let it do this. I can't let it take you away from me. I can't let that happen. And if what it takes is me going back there and confronting it, so be it. I love you. I know you don't believe me now, but I do. And I'd do anything for you, so I'm doing this." 

Lance is torn between his jealous rage and his sense that something isn't quite right, that there's a voice in his head telling him what to say. "Be careful, Josh," is all he can manage, because he fears that's the last time he'll ever see the man he once loved, still loves, again. 

JC wraps Lance's words around him like armor. If Lance cares enough to warn him, there must be hope. He walks resolutely into the dim backstage recesses, where he knows the clown is stored. Pausing to let his eyes adjust to the dimness, he squares his shoulders before approaching the evil entity. 

"So, Chasez, you've finally come," the voice is piercing in the darkness of the backstage storage room. Until this moment, JC had had his doubts. Until he heard the malevolence, the power of this voice, he had no idea what he was up against. His voice almost as strong as he hoped it would be, he says, "You were expecting me?"  

"Of course, Chasez. I just used the boy to get to you. He's so . . . easily influenced, you know." 

"He was caught off guard. He's stronger than he seems. He warned me, didn't he?" JC pauses. "What do you want from me?"  

The clown laughs its evil, high-pitched laugh. "I want what you have. I want the boy. He's only able to resist because he still clings to this silly notion that you actually love him."

"I DO love him. And you can't have him. I'll smash you into tiny, scary clown pieces before that happens."

"Just try it, Chasez. You know you cannot resist my power. I'll destroy you and your friends. I want the boy. Now give him to me."

"Never. You can't have him. Even if you've destroyed his love for me. Even if I can never win him back. I will not let you have him." JC's fist crashes into the smooth, hard surface of the scary clown. It hurts, but it doesn't matter. 

"Noooooooooooo!" The screeching cry fills the room as a gust of wind from nowhere rushes through the room, scattering the pieces of the now harmless clown. Before silence descends upon the darkness, a menacing whisper is heard: "It's not over, Chasez. I'll be back. Someday. When you least expect it."

JC drops to his knees, cradling his aching hand. "I'll be ready." Then he collapses to the floor, sobbing weakly, having used all his strength, all his inner resources, to stand up to this formidable foe. 

"Josh? Josh, is that you? What happened? What are you doing here? Josh??? Are you okay??? Josh, speak to me." 

"Lance? Baby?" 

"Josh! What happened?" He falls to the ground beside JC and cradles him in his arms. 

"You don't remember anything?" JC reaches with his bruised hand to touch Lance's face. "You're never going to believe me." 

"Remember what? All I know is that we went to some benefit and the next thing I know we're here and . . . what happened? Isn't this where they put that stupid clown?"  

"Yeah, the clown had a little accident. C'mon, let's go back to the hotel, baby. I need to hold you." 

"You know, I never liked that thing. Next tour, no clowns. Hey, you think we could stop off at McDonald's first? I have this strange craving for an apple pie." 

"Anything you want, baby. Anything you want."

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